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Original poster

A difficult conversation

63 replies

apricitykomorebi · 22/01/2025 09:53

My son is currently in 2nd year at uni. After the first term, he seems to have decided it's not for him and is considering dropping out. As his parent I am obviously concerned although I recognise that he is basically an adult now and I can't decide anything for him or make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

In a way I am not even really sure what I am concerned about. Perhaps, it's the uncertainty over his future (he doesn't know what he wants to do, just keeps saying he doesn't want to continue studying) and the fact that he will now have 2 years' worth of university debt plus living support that we have provided with absolutely nothing to show for it and nothing to explain this time on his CV for future employers.

I also don't really know how to approach a conversation about future financial support. I don't want to be cruel and tell him that I don't want to continue funding his living expenses if he doesn't study and that he needs to find a job. He is not opposed to looking for a job but obviously wouldn't know how long it will take. While I don't mind supporting him, at the same time I feel that I have to stop doing it because he is not a baby anymore and if he makes a decision not to study, then he must work out an alternative plan for his life as an adult. I may sound pathetic but I don't feel comfortable having this conversation as I don't want to damage our relationship and I don't want him to think that all I care about is money.

If you have any suggestions/ideas/advice you could share, I will gratefully listen. Thank you in advance. 😊

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 22/01/2025 10:27

well he has to have some kind of plan of what he in going to do.
If he is studying away and committed to the academic year of accommodation, is it worth completing the year while he thinks about alternatives?

If he is planning to come home, the 'find a job before leaving uni' option may not work - but he needs to understand that it's any job, not sitting around waiting for his dream job to turn up.

Friends son, finished a degree, lived at home 'waiting' forever after uni until it was explained to him that a job working with lowland gorillas wasn't going to pop up in Sussex and he had to adjust his expectations.

Original poster
apricitykomorebi · 22/01/2025 10:24

ForRealCat · 22/01/2025 10:17

Ask him what his plan is when he leaves uni? Then tell him the condition of you helping funding him during his studies. If he stops studying that's fine but he then has to stand on his own two feet.

I have asked him what his plan is and he just keeps saying he doesn't know or things like, "Maybe I will do YouTube".

I probably sound obnoxious but I have tried telling him that YouTube isn't really a plan because even if he is serious about it, it will take time to develop content, build an audience etc, etc. That could take years and in the meantime something still needs to be done to work out an alternative plan. I think he feels I am being negative but I struggle to see it differently. I don't know if I am just missing something or it's the age difference but I just can't see it any other way.

OP posts:
ForRealCat · 22/01/2025 10:17

Ask him what his plan is when he leaves uni? Then tell him the condition of you helping funding him during his studies. If he stops studying that's fine but he then has to stand on his own two feet.

Peasnbeans · 22/01/2025 10:16

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2025 10:14

Why would it be cruel to tell him he needs to be studying or working? Millions of people do both at the same time. Take the emotion out of it. What’s cruel would be enabling him to duck out of the adult world so he doesn’t find his purpose, a direction, some motivation to get out and embrace life.

This ^^

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2025 10:14

Why would it be cruel to tell him he needs to be studying or working? Millions of people do both at the same time. Take the emotion out of it. What’s cruel would be enabling him to duck out of the adult world so he doesn’t find his purpose, a direction, some motivation to get out and embrace life.

caramac04 · 22/01/2025 10:10

Can he transfer onto a different course where his first years study can be utilised? Finish this year and gain a lesser but worthwhile qualification?
Is he well in himself as in is this a considered decision or is he depressed? I’m assuming the academic study is not beyond him and that his first year went well enough to proceed?
Yes, he’s an adult and can make his own choices but to drop out now could have far reaching consequences in terms of earning ability with a debt. The debt might be forgotten for a few years but interest will build and at his age it will have to be paid at some point.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/01/2025 10:10

I'd wonder if there was anything else wrong

Fwiw, I wish I'd taken some time out as my mh was in the toilet and I was making bizarre choices but was encouraged to continue and treated as though I was a burden and fuck up

Maybe a gap year would be a good idea

Nikitaspearlearring · 22/01/2025 10:04

I wouldn't worry about gaps in his CV. Changing your mind is better than being miserable and surely an employer would understand that. Lots of young people go travelling, too, so have gaps. What does he like doing? Is there anyone you know or he knows who could employ him?

Itrytobesensible · 22/01/2025 10:01

Has his decision come out of the blue?
What was his feedback during his first year?
Is it something specific about the course he is doing?
Has he talked to people at the university about how he is feeling because there may be action that can be taken such as moving on to another course?

Supersimkin7 · 22/01/2025 09:59

Very sensible - he can drop out to a job, not a basement boy life. Unless he’s ill, when he can defer.

It’s not about money, it’s about wellbeing and motivation. Explain that once you’ve swerved on life, life can - and does - swerve on you. You get out what you put in, and all that.

Dropping out is fine and no drama if he’s got the next step lined up.

SheridansPortSalut · 22/01/2025 09:57

Could he defer for a year?
A taste of the real world, without you supporting him, might be no harm.

User09678 · 22/01/2025 09:55

Then perhaps he should continue studying until he does know what his next steps are.

Unless you're planning to support him his whole life, you're not doing him any favours by giving him the impression that you will. Where is his incentive to get on?

Tink3rbell30 · 22/01/2025 09:54

He can drop out once he has found a job to go straight into. He can't live for free.