A difficult conversation

If he wants to be a youtuber ask why he's waiting, get on with it and start now (its MUCH harder than you realise) has he an actual niche in mind? and please don't say gaming because unless he is competition level he want make money as gamers are 10 a penny

I work with a number of men who dropped out uni in second year for an apprenticeship. They were clever but academia wasn't for them and unfortunately they were pushed down the uni route. They are now engineers and earn well, although at least one of them is still gutted he has to pay back two years of student loans.

If he can stick it to the end of year 2 he might be able to get an HND which would be worth it. But it does sound like the relationship is causing a lot of pressure and might be a deciding factor in his choices. If it is possible to have a gentle discussion with him about this, that is where I would start.

My youngest son absolutely hated university. The one he went to was local to us so he wasn’t in accommodation. He wanted to quit in the second year. We explained how nowadays most decent employers expect job applicants to be educated to degree level. That they have the freedom to pick and choose candidates and those with a degree (rightly or wrongly) have more chance of being successful in their job applications. We persuaded him to stay and finish the degree. Reluctantly he did and got a 2:1. He’s now a product manager in The City. Tell your son it’ll be so worth it x

You need a plan as much as he does otherwise he drops put of university and you financially support him forever because you're worried that he will characterise a conversation about the realities and responsibilities of adult life as negative.

I do mean this kindly but how to you expect him to adult if you won't show him by example?

If he is serious about Youtube, theres nothing to stop him doing that now. And the sooner he starts, the sooner he can make an income from it. Obviously the chances of it working out are slim, but you've already pointed that out. In the meantime, he will need to work to be able to survive.

The 'Youtube or something' from him makes it sound like he actually doesn't have a plan of any kind of what content he would produce. But if he does, he can just start.

Perhaps what you need to say is something along the lines of "I completely accept your decision to stop studying, and want to support you how I can but we do need a conversation about what we are willing to do and what we would expect from you. That way you can make an informed decision knowing what your options are going forward." Then you can set your boundariies for what you are happy doing, and he can decide based on that.

Depending on his course if he continues to the end of second year he may be able to convert those credits into a qualification - for us it was an HNC/HND

if that’s the case I’d make financial help being set upon finishing the year.

This sounds more complicated than just wanting to drop out of uni. Is it the course he doesn't like, is it academic study he doesn't like, or is he trying to get away from the GF? Alternatively, perhaps he's struggled/failed some recent exams/assignments and doesn't know how to get back on track. I feel like you really need to get to the bottom of all this.

Also, bear in mind that any modules he's already passed may be eligible to be used in the future towards a degree, for example at the OU, so make sure he gets a record of achievement so far.

My own son dropped out of uni at the end of the first year. We were concerned at first although we could see he was really unhappy there and just wasn't a good fit for independent academic study even though he did really well at A level. We insisted he'd have to get a job and he went out and got one on his first day home! This was a low-paid, hands-on, practical kind of job, which actually suited him much better than something academic and desk-based. He then moved on to a more formal role, and now 5 years later, he has a good job which pays well, and more importantly, he's very happy. So it can all work out, but it's important to understand the root of the issue.

I think that first of all you need to try to get an honest but understanding conversation going about how his course is really going. Is he up to date with everything. Has been given any ultimatum deadlines which he thinks he can't meet. Our daughter dropped out of uni a few weeks into year 2. She hadn't been all that organised at home but the social life at uni was her undoing. Looking back she says she went out literally all the time whereas others were more circumspect. She says she was easily persuaded until the work load became overwhelming. She hadn't wanted to tell us at the end of year one that she had only just passed the year because she knew we would feel just like you are feeling now and she was right. We did feel exactly as you are describing here. All was not lost though. She took a low paid job..in a department store ..the type she had for picket money while doing her A levels. She seemed a bit depressed when she came home but getting out to the job for money she needed helped. She got a small promotion which helped build her self esteem back up. We were a bit sad that she seemed to have thrown opportunities away but we were also happy that she was OK. A couple of years later she regretted having left and asked us if we would support her if she went back to uni. We said yes but it would have to be a uni near home. We would help with finance ext but we weren't paying rent again for her social life to be the main event. She agreed that was a good plan. The dept store gave her a few part time hours a week. We could keep her but clothes ext and the store provided her pocket money. Sorted. She still socialized with the uni crowd but found it much easier to come home, close the bedroom door and study when she needed. She completed her degree, qualified as a Secondary school teacher and has a good career and teens she is worried about herself now 😁 They are very young when they first leave for uni. Just out of school and some a bit immature. Not really ready. She would have qualified at 22. Instead it was 25. Not really a problem in the grand scheme of things. Try not to worry op. Have that conversation. If he's struggling and it's affecting his mental health, get him home without showing too much. angst. Young men especially seem under a lot of pressure these days and there are worse things than dropping out of a uni course. You sound like a really supportive parent. Good luck going forward. 💐

he says he doesn't want to move back home!

If he does not want to come home then he has to get a job to pay his rent etc. I know you don't want to be the bad guy in this, and want to maintain your relationship but it is not your responsibility to fund his lifestyle. He is making an adult choice to stop studying, now he has to take on the adult responsibilities of paying his own way.

My eldest messed up Uni so badly that they ended up going part time and working. We had supported them for 3 years, with no degree in sight, and we said that was enough. They could come home or support themselves. At some point we all have to learn the consequences of our actions.

I did the exact same thing. Dropped out midway through second year so have like 30k debt for a degree I didn't finish.

I've never regretted it, I went straight into work on an apprenticeship scheme (spent 3 weeks at home looking for jobs non stop) and worked my way up. They ended up paying for me to do another degree in something totally different. I now have a career I love.

My DS announced he didn't want to return to his course 1 week before the start of Yr 2. He just said he wasn't enjoying the subject and didn't want to go back. Our response was "that's fine, but what are you going to do instead as you won't be lying around in your room all day playing on your laptop". Some might think that's harsh, but I've read so many stories on MN where young adults seem to be doing just that.
After a couple of weeks to think about it, he decided he did want to go to Uni but take an entirely different course. He applied for new Unis to start the following academic year, then got a job in retail to earn some money. We did, unfortunately, end up paying rent on his room as we couldn't re-let it (shared house) but just sucked that up. He did save his earnings towards the following year's Uni.

My advice would be that a frank discussion about the reasons (is it possibly the GF being overbearing) why he really wants to give up is needed. Followed by a discussion about the way forward - even if that means working in a low paid, uninspiring job whilst he decides his future. But be quite clear that doing nothing isn't an option.

Hang on - he's not dropping out of Uni to get away from this girl, is he? You say he's 'not of the most determined kind' - is he having trouble telling her that he wants to break up and that she should stay away?

He needs to learn that running away from problems - a course of study, work, a girlfriend - only leads to more problems. Running towards something, sure - but 'maybe I'll do Youtube' doesn't cut it - if he really wants to do Youtube, he should be treating like a real, full-time job.

Going forward, do whatever you can to help him develop a bit more grit. I've seen a couple of family members get coddled into helpless uselessness, and they all have rotten lives...

I know it's hard for you, you're worrying... but this could be a step forward in his development, if you encourage him to engage and take responsibility. Good luck!

I would give him space. Tell him that you are there if he needs to chat or think through ideas/possible plans. Putting pressure on him to give answers (when he is probably already feeling those pressures) won't help. He will find his own way. I don't think you need to have 'the conversation'. I just think he needs to know you support him. And if he says 'Maybe I'll do a Youtube' say "ok! let me know if I can help with anything!"

Reading this, are you sure he doesn't just want to break up with his GF, but doesn't actually have the stones to do it. So is hoping by running home she'll leave him alone?

She sounds very intense. Can you look at moving his halls?

I think you can plan to yourself to continue to fund him, and provide a home for him. But you need to make him believe that it is conditional on him either studying or doing a 9-5 job. If he says he doesn't know how long it will take to find one- well there's always a supermarket or a bar- it doesn't need to be the career, but the day he comes home he needs to have the intention to be doing something.

He is saying Youtube or he doesn't know because he knows he's real plan to sponge off you can't be said out-loud.

So he’s 20, or thereabouts? From me it’d be a conversation along the lines of “You’re an adult and can obviously choose the path you want to take and I’ll support whatever decision you make. However, if you’re not in education, you need to be working towards financial independence. I’m happy to give you X months grace until you get a job but then you’ll need to be paying your own way if you want to live at home”.

OP, if you don't set expectations and be firm about it now, you will be actively harming your son. I see it all the time, parents too afraid of making their sons feeling like a burden or unwanted when they leave school, and not saying 'you either need to be in study or work, and you need to contribute to this house' and the sons end up in terrible sleep patterns, gaming endlessly, with no purpose or direction, leading to low self esteem anxiety or depression. He needs guidance, and it's your job as a parent to give it to him. He might need a 'break' after dropping out, but that should be a month tops - I see people giving their children 'breaks' of months on end - its not good for their mental health to rot away at home with no plan, but 'getting a job' should be seen as a given, not an option - by making it an option, it turns into a bigger deal/stress than it should be, so in the long run you will be helping him.

not obnoxious at all to say that sitting around "doing YouTube" isn't an option.
something he can explore in his spare time when not working maybe.