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Original poster

Guy I’m seeing has said his ex is attractive a bunch of times.

81 replies

Katiem1982 · 22/01/2025 07:38

I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months (so yes it’s early days, but I’m impatient & don’t want to be wasting my time) & he’s said that his ex is attractive almost every time I’ve seen him. They have 2 children together so he has to see her regularly.
The first time caught me off guard but he was talking about how beautiful he finds his children & said they look like his ex who is really attractive. I didn’t think much of it then but it keeps on happening.
For the record, I wouldn’t describe his ex as attractive. She’s very plain, so him saying he thinks she’s very attractive surprised me, but obviously each to their own.
He also says that she’s a really lovely person but they are just very different & that’s why they didn’t work.
I’m very confused as I’ve never been in this situation before & im actually embarrassed to talk to my friends about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katiem1982 · 23/01/2025 20:34

Poppyseeds79 · 23/01/2025 20:15

Has he mentioned your looks at all OP? Maybe he thinks you look very similar to her.

Hello! He complimented me loads on our first date, he seemed genuinely blown away. He still compliments me now, but not as much, which is obviously fine as that would get weird. His ex & I look very different. Her hair is straight, I wear mine curled or wavy, she has very dark eyes, mine are pale green, she’s 5’4” I’m 5’8”, she wears very simple makeup, I love a cat eye. He’s great fun & I do like him, it’s just a weird problem to have, but I’m certainly not going to keep just nodding & saying “ok” when he does it.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 23/01/2025 20:15

Has he mentioned your looks at all OP? Maybe he thinks you look very similar to her.

CulturalNomad · 23/01/2025 20:09

@Katiem1982 Sorry, but all the signs point to him not being over his "ex". It really doesn't matter that you don't find her particularly attractive; clearly he does. Which wouldn't be an issue if he didn't feel the need to repeatedly share this with you!

Original poster
Katiem1982 · 23/01/2025 20:03

CulturalNomad · 23/01/2025 19:16

But why are you two discussing his "ex" so often? Who is bringing the subject up? Does he randomly just sing her praises or by chance are you seeking reassurance that he's over her?

Him mentioning his ex really seems to come from no where & often catches me off guard as it’s quite random, like he was talking about his mum & said his mum is lovely, so is his ex & she’s very attractive. It was a very odd thing to mention, but that’s how it keeps coming up, I never probe him on it as I’m not at all insecure. I’m also not being mean when I said I think she’s quite plain, but before our first date I asked to see his facebook so I could ensure he hadn’t recently created an identity to murder me (joking, I’m confident he’s not a murderer, but better to be safe than sorry) & I saw her & thought she looked ideal as an ex! Normal, but not at all threatening. I also have no problem recognising when someone is attractive, I’m a girls girl & always compliment people. I actually agreed to go on a date with a guy I wasn’t sure about because his ex was so beautiful as I assumed he must have something special about him if he could get someone like her.

OP posts:
CulturalNomad · 23/01/2025 19:16

But why are you two discussing his "ex" so often? Who is bringing the subject up? Does he randomly just sing her praises or by chance are you seeking reassurance that he's over her?

CulturalNomad · 23/01/2025 19:10

He also says that she’s a really lovely person but they are just very different & that’s why they didn’t work

It's refreshing to hear a man speak well of his "ex". Too many are bitter and suspiciously quick to label the " ex" as crazy and the one responsible for the break-up.

But frequently discussing his former partner and dropping her "attractiveness" into conversations you're having is a clear sign that he's not yet ready to move on.

If you're expecting this relationship to develop into something serious I'd say he sounds like someone who is not over his last relationship and therefore is not a great prospect.

TwistedWonder · 23/01/2025 19:03

Has he not been separated that long? He sounds like he’s not over her yet and therefore not ready to date.

Lavenderandbrown · 23/01/2025 19:00

Kindly OP I doubt he has the insight to recognize he is not over her. You can bring his attention to him repeatedly mentioning her attractiveness and he may cease to mention her but it still seems to me the real bottom line is he doesn’t seem over her. I think it’s fine to say once… I have good looking kids they take after mum but anymore than that seems off to me and speaks of unresolved issues.

ChristmasFluff · 23/01/2025 18:52

There's not much point asking him why he's doing it, because he's hardly going to say 'I still love her and she is constantly on my mind' or 'I'm a bit of a prick and I want to keep you on the back foot.'

All that will happen is that he will stop mentioning her, but nothing about why he's been doing it will change. At 2 months I'd bin him.

NoBadVibes01 · 23/01/2025 17:03

It is a bit weird.

As you say she is plain and not attractive, is there a possibility he tries to convince himself she is nicer than she is? Maybe people used to comment on it or something?

I used to go out with someone who was quite unusual looking (being kind) and people do make comments.

Gonk123 · 23/01/2025 16:49

Katiem1982 · 23/01/2025 09:19

Thank you so much for your comment & to everyone who’s commented. It’s good to know I’m not overreacting.
i think when it happens next (& I’m confident it will happen again 😣) I’m going to say “do you know that you’ve told me you find your ex attractive at least half a dozen times? Is there something going on there? Are you not over her?”

Show quote history

I would not ask if there is something going on. I would just say as you said - don’t know you frequently remind me of how attractive your ex is and leave it there, watch his reaction. I would perhaps go so far as to allay, do you realise it’s a little icky.

Gonk123 · 23/01/2025 15:12

Has he mentioned your attractiveness at all?

toomuchfaff · 23/01/2025 15:02

ServantsGonnaServe · 22/01/2025 16:58

Ew. Dump. It's not even a question.

He's either hung up on her, trying to make you jealous or emotionally immature.

All of these are dumping offences.

This, agree.

I’m going to say “do you know that you’ve told me you find your ex attractive at least half a dozen times? Is there something going on there? Are you not over her?”

I don't think you should be asking if hes over her, I don't want to enter into a conversation about why shes amazing, I don't want your justification why you think shes awesome, or your explanation of why she's amazing. All I want to do is tell you it's inappropriate (for all reasons listed in the quote),

Lurkingandlearning · 23/01/2025 10:31

As he is saying she is a lovely person and they split up because they are very different, it would make me think he is not a lovely person and probably the cause of the break up.

Also, I think I’d find it a bit tedious anyone was frequently referring to a person in their lives who I’d never met. The occasional “Bob at work said…” or “My ex is taking the kids to…” would be fine but constantly saying she is attractive, yawn. What are you supposed to say to that? No, she’s ugly. Yes, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed?

404ErrorCode · 23/01/2025 09:31

Either;

He is not over her
He is trying to make you feel insecure
He is completely tactless

Or maybe it’s all three!

Original poster
Katiem1982 · 23/01/2025 09:19

ForRealCat · 22/01/2025 09:53

I'd give him two more chances. Next time he mentions her being attractive I would say "I'm well aware you've said that a few times now. I wish you'd stop saying it though as it makes me uncomfortable with how often you say it". Then the next time I would probably just say "I've told you before it makes me uncomfortable how often you say how attractive you find your ex, why do you keep doing it?"

Then I'd bin him off. Warning shot and then move on

Thank you so much for your comment & to everyone who’s commented. It’s good to know I’m not overreacting.
i think when it happens next (& I’m confident it will happen again 😣) I’m going to say “do you know that you’ve told me you find your ex attractive at least half a dozen times? Is there something going on there? Are you not over her?”

OP posts:
5128gap · 22/01/2025 17:40

I'd move on. He could be trying to make you jealous, he could be carrying a torch for her or he could just be a nice guy who likes his ex and thinks she's attractive and lacks tact. Regardless, the idea is in your head now, you are bothered by it to the point of judging her looks yourself, and I don't see how you're going to move forward from that. If you tell him it bothers you he might stop saying it, but you'll know he still thinks it.

theweightlossqueen · 22/01/2025 17:10

this is super weird.

not even a red flag. CRIMSON.

sometimesmovingforwards · 22/01/2025 17:10

He ain’t ready for dating.

moose17 · 22/01/2025 17:09

Tell him your ex was the best sex you've ever had 😬

crashbandicooty · 22/01/2025 17:08

Wow, absolutely no to this man!

Illegally18 · 22/01/2025 17:04

wholettheturnipsburn · 22/01/2025 09:53

He's not over her

I had this, but he further qualified it by saying he had enough of drop dead gorgeous woman. He said it to me. So what did that make me

Cripes, how dumb and tactless and generally...unthinking. I'd have dumped him just for the stupidity of that comment.

ServantsGonnaServe · 22/01/2025 16:58

Ew. Dump. It's not even a question.

He's either hung up on her, trying to make you jealous or emotionally immature.

All of these are dumping offences.

Viviennemary · 22/01/2025 16:57

Run for the hills. He isn't over his ex.

IndiraCharcoal · 22/01/2025 16:54

Sounds like he's either not over her or he's trying to neg you. Neither is good.