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Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
BrainWontWorkAnymore · 22/01/2025 18:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:33

FiatMultiplaWhopper · 22/01/2025 07:38

He didn’t put his penis inside her vagina ok fine. But this is what he did do:

chat up another woman at a club
take drugs with this woman
kiss her
go back to her place
participate in oral sex with her twice, once while sober in the morning
sleep in her bed, assume cuddling etc
follow her on social media

how is that long list ok with you OP?

I'm sure he fully availed himself of her breasts, as well. 🤮😠

How can a woman do this to another woman? I know two wrongs don't make a right, but part of me hopes that one day when SHE has a young baby that her partner does this to her.

She has played a large role in potentially breaking up a helpless little baby's family and them having much less time with each parent. I don't know how she can live with herself. I always reflect on this when women have affairs with men who have dependent children. Obviously it's still hugely awful if there are no children or adult children, but when there are dependent children, how can these women hurt them so much by potentially helping to destroy their childhoods? Utter witches.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 22/01/2025 18:27

RatalieTatalie · 22/01/2025 13:11

I haven't read the whole thread but my two pence would be 'what on earth is the question here'.

He had oral sex from another woman. Unforgiveable. But if that isn't enough for you, he only didn't have full sex because she said no. That's not likely to be a lie, because why on earth would that be his chosen defence. Surely he'd say "we didn't do anything else even though it was offered as I knew it was a line I couldn't cross"

So either, he had full sex and is lying, or he didnt but only because it wasn't on offer.

You need to leave him, unless of course that sort of thing is OK with you, in which case c'est la vie!

Tip:

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events
ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:19

inquisitiveinga · 22/01/2025 07:19

Hey OP. Huge hug - this must be totally heartbreaking wrenching and I'm so, so sorry. I hope you and baby are as ok as you can be.

Next... WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT TO STAY? I would say that's a form of self harm. You will never forget about this, it will come up on arguments time and time again. It will hurt every time. You will feel sick when he leaves the house without you. No. Stop this ridiculous train of thought.

I have been a single mother and yes, it's hard. However, I PROMISE it's a lot easier than the life you are otherwise paving for yourself. My son and I have the best memories of just him and I. I now have a new partner who views him as his own and recently a baby girl. I deserved better. I got better.

Do not allow yourself or your child to settle for this total dick. Be strong.

I am so happy that you found a better life for yourself. Your story is inspiring!

Littlemisscapable · 22/01/2025 18:18

He's awful..you deserve much better

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/01/2025 18:17

Bigcat25 · 22/01/2025 18:03

I'm inclined to believe his version as he told you immediately and if his own accord to be honest. If he was going to lie he wouldn't have mentioned it. I don't think oral is more intimate than someone leaving their underwear on, and if someone is drunk/high they likely aren't splitting that hair.

Read the OP’s updates!

Channellingsophistication · 22/01/2025 18:16

So sorry to read your updates OP how utterly shocking and devastating for you.

I hope he will leave quietly. Have you some friends you can confide in in real life who can support you?

I would see a solicitor as soon as you can to find out your legal situation. You WILL get through this.

MissHollyGolightly · 22/01/2025 18:15

Read all the OP's posts before weighing in folks!!
OP - So sorry you are going through this. Now you know he is not who you thought. He didn't respect you, your child or marriage. Just went off on jollies and had a good time. It's so much better to know now and move on.

Starsandall · 22/01/2025 18:14

In your position I wouldn’t care who did what. You have a baby and he is a cheat who is putting your sexual health at risk but is blaming the cocaine. He would be gone op I couldn’t trust him.

Bigcat25 · 22/01/2025 18:14

Argh sorry op. Should have read the full thread before posting.

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:13

It's impossible for you to know, OP. It's quite possible that the woman does stop short of penetration to protect herself from STDs and pregnancy. (I know that you can catch STDs from oral, but most people never seem to consider this.)

Maybe the best way to handle this issue is to just bundle it all up as cheating. I don't think you'll ever know if he did have PIV, so just treat it all the same - i.e. as if he did, because what he's admitted to is just as bad. Cheating is cheating. And if he didn't, there's no way he can prove that to you anyway.

I feel rage at the way some men only start doing this sort of thing once they think you're locked down - i.e. you have a 9-month-old baby. I'm SO angry on your behalf. Subconsciously or not, he now feels he can do what he likes because you'll want your family to remain intact.

You have a young baby and this should be a special time in your lives. And instead, he drives a big, dirty truck through what was pure and beautiful. I hate him for you.

Only you know what you want to do, and perhaps that clarity will only come with time. You don't have to decide anything just yet. See how the dust settles. Bide your time.

Sending you hugs and sympathy xxx

whathaveiforgotten · 22/01/2025 18:12

Bigcat25 · 22/01/2025 18:03

I'm inclined to believe his version as he told you immediately and if his own accord to be honest. If he was going to lie he wouldn't have mentioned it. I don't think oral is more intimate than someone leaving their underwear on, and if someone is drunk/high they likely aren't splitting that hair.

Please read all of OP's posts.

It turns out he's cheated multiple times with multiple people and even filmed some of the sex with others.

What a fucking arsehole. I'm so sorry OP Flowers

ChemicalStatement · 22/01/2025 18:10

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 10:17

Just when I think it can’t get any worse it does.
He went to pack his things and I said I wanted free rein of his phone as I don’t believe a word he says.

He has a hidden folder, not only filled with nudes of his own (which I’ve never seen) and nudes of various women. But the worst of all is there is clip maybe 25 seconds of him literally fucking another girl!! You can’t see any faces or anything but I can tell it’s him!!! How disgusting who films that and who lets a guy a film that!!

I wonder if he initially told you about it to easy his guilt or to free himself from the marriage.

Anyway, I hope you keep records of all this, for the divorce.

Take care.
<hugs>

abs12 · 22/01/2025 18:07

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you have loved ones around you for support.

You have some great advice above and after this shock, you will get angry, and you have a lot of practical things to do. Use your anger to protect yourself and your little one emotionally, physically, financially.

You have found out now and you are young. You will get through this and you will be happy again. Your amazing life is now only just beginning. I've been through this and it took time to heal, but now, my life is an utter blessing with an amazing DH. If I can do it, you can too.

Sending massive hugs OP xxx

Bigcat25 · 22/01/2025 18:03

I'm inclined to believe his version as he told you immediately and if his own accord to be honest. If he was going to lie he wouldn't have mentioned it. I don't think oral is more intimate than someone leaving their underwear on, and if someone is drunk/high they likely aren't splitting that hair.

Coffeeandwalnutcakes · 22/01/2025 18:02

Shrinkingrose · 22/01/2025 07:10

Oh cmon, what woman does that, it’s like some teenage boy fantasy.

Exactly, not much in it for her.

Bloozie · 22/01/2025 18:01

Oh my love... what a mess. And what a shock. Be kind to yourself. You are well rid. Well done for acting decisively. You should be proud of yourself. Take care.

JessicaRabbit6 · 22/01/2025 17:56

Pippinsdiary · 22/01/2025 07:13

What made him tell you? Very unusual to admit so openly he had cheated, unless he thought someone else might tell you?

I’m sorry, can’t imagine how you must feel x

I’m shocked too, he’s prob spent all his wages and she’s prob a brass and won’t be able to afford the rent. although it’s not the whole story. Also the minute he walked out to her house he had all intentions he had already cheated.

ZekeZeke · 22/01/2025 17:52

OP Number one priority is your health. It's very important that you get an STD check.
Make sure you eat and try to sleep.
Confide in a loved one, you will need support over the coming days weeks and months.
He had everything and he has lost it, for what?

Mind yourself OP.

Pinkissmart · 22/01/2025 17:49

Why does it matter if he did one line or two?

Why does it matter if he fucked her?

InDogweRust · 22/01/2025 17:47

Oh cmon, what woman does that, it’s like some teenage boy fantasy.

This. Run a mile.

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/01/2025 17:43

He wants this marriage to be over , that’s why he handed you his phone. He’s successfully been a serial cheat for years , why the conscience now ?

What else has he been up to?
Get your self an STD test asap and change any passwords , bank accounts , Amazon etc.
You don’t know this man and you certainly can’t trust him .
See a Sol and know your rights
I certainly wouldn’t let him control the narrative, is he in trouble with work for drugs? Something seems off

GameOfJones · 22/01/2025 17:41

I'm so sorry OP, there is no coming back from this. He is an utter shit.

So he's been cheating on you while you were looking after your little baby. Does this also go back to when you were pregnant too? I can only imagine it does if he's this much of a serial cheat. In which case not only did he expose you to STDs but also your precious baby.

I know you will be reeling right now but hopefully you can latch on to some anger as that will fuel you through this first few weeks. I'd really encourage you to tell your friends and family and reach out for some support as you are going to need it.

You are only in your 20s and things will get better. You and your child will be infinitely better off and he is a scumbag that will have lost everything.

Isometimeswonder · 22/01/2025 17:39

Why tf does it matter what really happened?
He put his dick in another woman's mouth. That's all you need to know.
You deserve better.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/01/2025 17:34

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 07:11

He says while they were in the club he asked for her insta, he said he doesn’t know why he asked. She then apparently took his phone to type her own username in and she has accepted his follow request. She has requested to follow him but he hasn’t accepted that.

She looks pretty young maybe 20-22 and her insta is filled with bikini pics etc.

Show quote history

He doesn’t regret it ! He woiod
delete her / block even possibly the full of his Instagram.
Id bet he slept with her or he is still
hanging out for more tbh.

Please leave him OP.It won’t have been the first time he has used drugs he is just using thsi as an excuse for his behaviour. .
He chose to go abroad on a lads trip, he choose to take drugs , he chose to get drunk and he chose to go back with the female he choose to have sex with her oral or not and he chose to stay over night.
He is now choosing to lie and also choosing to run slag in the wound and disrespect you by following her Instagram.

Just wow !
Can you now please just choose to leave .