DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

What an utter waste of space.

Of course he’s remorseful now! That’s the guilt. His holiday fling is over and he’s back to reality. He crossed the line - oral sex is sex. There are no varying degrees of cheating. To top it off, he did it again the next morning when he’d sobered up.

The coke use because it’s rife in his industry makes him sound like a child. It was rife in my and DH industry too but we never did it. It sounds like he has no impulse control and has more of it ‘fuck it’s attitude.

I know you don’t want to throw your marriage away but he’s already done that. Him, not you. You deserve better. He deserves the door.

Agreed!

I could probably get past cheating as in kissing with tongues but this is pretty bad.

at the very least you need to make him move out, tell your and his family and really make him work for it if he wants things to be right again. He needs to know this is his one and only chance.

Well, when he gets away with it this time, you know he'll do it again, right? Just next time he won't tell you.

@Bellanova I’m so sorry to read this. You’re still in shock. There’s no need to rush to make decisions. And your time. Do you have family nearby? Lean on them for support, even if you’re not ready to tell them what’s happened.
Look after yourself and listen to your gut. It’ll help you make the right decision.

You asked if it's likely that she "just" gave him oral. It's entirely possible. What difference does that make?

He went back with a girl he met in a club, wanted sex, received oral and then did it again in the morning. He boasted about it to his workmates.

He frequently goes away for work trips, staying over the weekend.

Don't accept this, he's a cheater.

If you believe him he still cheated....I think you right they had sex but even if they didn't he stuck his pensis in her mouth......kissed and felt her. Do you want to be with someone who has done that to another woman when he is meant to be with you?

Agree.
Reviewing her performance with a colleague tells you that he was thrilled to bag this young beauty and have his kicks this way. That's a rather grim attitude for an adult man to have towards an available female when he's married with a child.

It sounds like he wants out of and is giving you all the ammo. Maybe having a young child isn't what he envisioned and he wants to be able to go clubbing etc. Not acceptable behaviour at all from him.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

Who cares? He went back with someone with the intention of fucking her while you were at home with the baby. If you’re trying to set full sex as some sort of bar you need to have a look at yourself.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I think YABU with the above statement. Inviting someone in doesn’t equal consent to sex after all, you’re not dumb enough to think otherwise surely?

however what I would say is that in this scenario penetrative sex is less intimate for a woman than giving head twice. So that just sounds like a lie coming from a man, ie your partner probably thinks oral sex sounds less worse than full sex so a safer thing to admit to. But he doesn’t realise the female perspective that oral sex takes more effort/intimacy

also something that doesn’t make sense about his story is that he is saying they didn’t have full sex cause she didn’t want to…but he’s essentially admitting he would have had full sex given the chance.

Honestly, there is no coming back from this.

He's not worth it and you must show your child you their mummy is worth more than this.

Just for clarification, do ladies think that oral sex is different than penetrative sex? Is lack of intercourse less of a betrayal?
Interested in opinions. Imo betrayal is just that, no matter the level of intimacy. Ty.

He's pulled a sickie to 'start working through it'.

1. One day is a drop in the ocean so that's a laughable empty gesture. Suspect the reality is he's panicking.
2. Ideally he should be giving you space to digest what he's told you.

At this stage, staying close will do more to manage your reactions and influence your point of view on this than it will ever to do to 'work through it'. I think he intuitively knows this even if it isn't a conscious manipulation.

In your shoes I would get some distance so you can process and take this all in without him in your ear. Once this has hit you, you will have a clearer sense of where you personally stand on this and crucially what you are going to need and expect from him next, for salvage or not.

He's desperate not to lose his cosy life for this act of betrayal and while you are no doubt wanting to see he is remorseful, you also need to be able to see this event with clear eyes or any decisions you take will be made in a perfect storm of shock, sympathy for his distress, desperation not to lose your happy family, wanting to believe he can do better in future (which may or may not be true).

You need time and space not immersion in his desperation. He will want to move quickly from 'you did what!?' to 'yes maybe we can get through this' ... When in reality that's a big commitment of effort and should be taken carefully and slowly, if at all.

Can you go and stay somewhere for a week?

Honestly, the boasting to his mates after the event is absolutely repellent and is highly suggestive that his "remorse" with you is just a front. Because if he was genuinely remorseful a) in the morning when he woke up sober, he would have been out of there ASAP rather than lying back for another BJ b) he would have been wracked with guilt straight away and scrabbling to ensure colleagues would keep it rather secret rather than gloating about the quality of the oral sex. What a disgusting man. I cannot imagine staying with this creature.

Get rid of this piece of shit.
Harsh and simple.
He moves out, pays child maintenance.
At least you are married, not just a partner.
Sorry.

He wasn't mortified, apologetic, or remorseful when he was complimenting her skills to his mate...

He was proud.

He wasn't saying, "Oh my God, what have I done?! I've betrayed my wife! I have to fix this. I'm so disgusted with myself!"

He was saying, "Hot. Tits out." "Best head I've ever had."

He's PROUD of it.

I'd make him leave.

Leave OP… surely you can’t be considering staying with this fool.

“I cheated, well sort of"

Does he actually think that oral sex somehow doesn't count??

It sounds like the realities of being an adult with responsibilities have hit him and he's regressing a bit. Honestly, I would be very susprised if this is the last time, and it's probably not the first time he's kissed someone else (but it's ok in his mind because that's only "sort of" cheating 🙄).

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to say get rid, but I know that's easier said than done when you have a little one together.

Everyone is different, I get that. I just don’t understand how some woman even consider staying with their DH has done something as disgusting as this. I’d be sick and not able to look after DH again. Maybe that’s just me.

Go into his account on his phone, his following list, find her name, click on three dots on the right. Click on shared activity....

Good luck OP xx

Ok the brag to his mate shows he's absolutely not remorseful. He just doesn't want to blow up his life over this. He's sorry he had to tell you. But he enjoyed it enough to brag.
And to answer your question - yes, that might well be what happened but it doesn't mean he wouldn't have done more if it had been on offer.
And it was pre- meditated in that between leaving the club and getting to her hotel, he could have said no.