To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

Sometimes there isn't. A lot of children are good at masking. Some don't struggle until later on in their education. My DD was OK in primary but it fell apart in secondary.

And despite what some poster said about everyone being ND (they aren't) it is a well known fact that a lot of children who can't attend are in fact ND. I don't think that's a while assumption to make given his sibling is currently going through the assessment process.

We currently have a home tutor from the LA as my DD was never going to go back in. It's not really home schooling as such.

Educate yourself.

In meantime, while waiting for assessment, I would not push him to go to school and not keep trying different things. I have seen the constant, try this, try that and then it doesn’t work or makes it worse and then the child after assessment when presented with tactics that can work will then outright refuse to try them because they have tried and failed repeatedly so much already that they have zero confidence in themselves or in their parents, or the school or anyone that they can overcome the barriers to education.

Take the pressure off. The school should be able to send his work home to him to do while he is waiting for assessment and recommended steps from the child psychologist.

How

His old is he?

Yes, that’s what they mean. Money well spent if you have it. I know it can be out of reach for many parents. Xx

Have a look at an illness called PANS/PANDAS, all of the behaviours you mention could be symptoms of this. Has he had any illnesses in December or before this started getting worse for him? PANS/PANDAS is an illness triggered by other illnesses.

PANS/PANDAS UK

First thing I thought of was neurodivergence In some kids it manifests as extreme anxiety as they’re struggling to cope with so many things at school - sensory overwhelm, friendships, following rules, deviations from routine, etc - but masking so well, no one can see their inner turmoil.

When you mentioned your older child I thought bingo. I have two autistic kids who are very different, so I do understand how it is.

Sounds very similar to how my son was in primary school, right down to worrying we would die when he was apart from us.

Tried everything and kept him going in with a lot of help on transition into school from the senco and pastoral care lead , like you just seemed to be anxiety so we sought help for that and read all the books, had some camhs interventions which had limited impact.

It all fell apart at secondary and he completely became unable to go in at all. He's now in the process of ASD assessment and in an online school (maybe a stop gap, maybe longer term, we'll see once we get the diagnosis and start to think of a plan).

So you have my condolences, but we couldn't find a quick fix. And yes, that level of anxiety and inability to attend does seems likely there is some ND, that level of anxiety in a young child unrelated to trauma is unlikely to be 'just anxiety'.

Possible OCD is a good call too. Important thing is you need to get him professionally assessed before trying any self-help or therapy based on you DIY diagnosing him.

If the usual anxiety advice and self-help books written for NT people is making things worse for DC, then that is yet another indicator he is neurodivergent as well as the family history.

Another thing to consider is ND (ASD or ADHD) burnout which can be confused for NT anxiety as there is overlap between symptoms..

Before therapy, you need an assessment and diagnosis. There is no point forcing him into say CBT for anxiety until he’s been assessed and diagnosed as having anxiety and also the sort of therapy for anxiety is different for NT compared to ND people. So first things first is a full psychological assessment.

Seconding @HangingOver

My OCD started in childhood. It's a disease that often takes around a decade to diagnose because sufferers 'live' with it quite convincingly.

I too was convinced that doing or not doing certain things would result in my mum dying.

I was thinking OCD

This sounds like how my OCD started as a kid. I was convinced if I said the wrong things before leaving my DF would die while I was at school.

Could you try letting him know he can call you at break and lunch time? Then there only has to do a short amount of time before talking to you? I’m not oversimplifying things but mechanisms like this may help. Try to get school to get a support plan written up that you all write together, he will need to feel like he has some input and that he is being listened to. I agree that not going should not be an option, but you’re going to need to need the school’s help, they should have spaces in school that cater for pupils who feel that they need support.

Really good booked called helping your child with fears and worries by Creswell and willets.
Also check if your school has any of the new educational mental health practitioners to help.
We have been there with DD1. It was a real mix of being supportive and firm. School was never not an option but we had a good supportive school who worked with us to get her in and help her feel listened to and supported.
Anxiety is an awful thing and takes real practice to manage.