To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

DS was a school refuser aged 5-8. Kid actually jumped out of a moving car to avoid going one morning 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just persevered in what can only be described as a pure battle of wills for 3 very long years. I dragged him, carried him, cajoled him into school every morning. He was ok once he was there!!

Eventually I won, he's 10 now and goes without issue and actually enjoys school.

It was all triggered by a genuinely traumatic experience that left me and him homeless and just the two of us. Thing is I had to get him to school because the play therapy and camhs services were during school time in school!

Suppose my lived experience is, buckle in, and battle through. There is light at the end of the tunnel. But I completely understand how exhausting it is every morning!

My daughter didn’t present with massive glaring signs either but, with the benefit of hindsight, I could see she had a TON of less obvious traits.

She’d always been difficult, demanding, would refuse to leave the house at weekends (bad at transitions), a terrible eater, huge separation anxiety at preschool, precocious speech, tantrums (meltdowns), terrified of hand dryers, would talk to anyone about anything (lack of social awareness), very late to toilet train… and so on.

If he's like this in primary ( you say older ND sibling is 11) then I'd seriously assume he's the same. Seen it time & time again.

My DS's school refusal started when he was 9. The good news is it's rarely happenong now, at nearly 12.

Trying to force him just made it worse. Punishments and threats just escalated things, as did us getting stressed about it. Even trying to gently persuade him, he'd just dig his heels in. And you can't physically bundle a 5', 6 stone child into the car.

What worked for us was taking the pressure off, and having school staff on board too. So we'd start by breezily ignoring it:
"I'm not going to school today!"
"Sorry you feel like that, what would you like for breakfast"
Sometimes that was enough for him to snap out of it. If not, then we'd say ok, have half hour to yourself (to read, draw, watch a cartoon, whatever - but no gaming or YouTube shite) and then see how you feel. If it was still a no, then we'd say see how you feel at lunchtime.

If he was claiming to be ill we wouldn't argue with it or call him a liar but we'd give him a get out: "you might just need a poo", "you'll probably feel a bit better after a shower", "a strepsil will help".

This approach got him in to school - albeit late - 9 times out of 10. And by the time he went in he was usually calm/relatively happy as he felt that it was his own decision.

The school was fully supportive. He saw the counsellor every week and was able to chat to one of his trusted staff members any time - they would also phone him when he didn't make it into school for a reassuring chat.

I don't know if any of this will help given the added complexity of his fear of you dying, but hopefully there's something there you can use.

Contact your school nursing service in your area , they will be able to link you into what mental health support is available in your area

Also just to say, often we expect OCD to be the well known traits, hand washing, checking. But for my son, one thing with his OCD was counting in his head in an even pattern, which no-one realised for a long time 🥹

I'd be wary about forcing therapy. It is not likely to work unless the person actually wants to do it. (So I was told anyway)

I wish I had the answer for you! There's lots of people struggling with this right now unfortunately

sounds like your son has OCD, I had the same when I was growing up except it was so bad I’d be hysterical every Thursday at a specific time. Thankfully I grew out of it. It’s horrible to live through. I’d have some sympathy and talk about what goes through his mind, reassure and see if the school will let him contact you on his lunch to make sure you’re all ok. That’ll settle him

Thoroughly recommend play therapy! Put my anxious son at ease massively, his therapist would play Dobble, Uno etc with him as they chatted. He's now got some good strategies in place.

Here are a few resources for you op

https://notfineinschool.co.uk

https://naomifisher.co.uk

But the thing is, this child might be. There are other family members with a diagnosis for a start. Don’t be rude and dismissive. Take your yawning emoji elsewhere!

My 9 year old DS1 went through a period like this in the summer. I had some on line sessions with a local charity that supports children's mental health but their bread and butter is school refusal.
I was sceptical but their process worked. He still gets anxious but we know how to recognise it and support him which means it hopefully won't disrupt his life going forward.
Key take away is not to reassure. Instead listen, acknowledge the fear and then normalise it. Eg I know you don't want to go to school but all kids go to school and mummy needs to go to work. I'll pick you up after school....
We also had to do a fear ladder. With steps and prizes for each stage. Aim is to get a routine which reduces anxiety. Praise bravery and remind them when they can do something.

I'm in a very similar situation with mine.

As they get older they seem to show more anxiety traits, something new since returning this January is OCD traits.

School NEVER see anything other than an over compliant child who gets emotional and upset easily.
Really good grades, has friends and a pleasure to teach.

I'd never get a diagnosis but I expect some ADHD.

Well yes because neurodivergent children are at higher risk of ebsa and ebsa is often the first sign of unmet or unidentified send needs.

My 18 year old was diagnosed with ADHD ASD and PDA this year after being diagnosed with severe anxiety when he was 12
He was a school refuser it started off with stomach ache then pains anywhere that moved on to he could only wear certain shoes clothes etc
He was sent to Camhs to said he had severe anxiety
at the age of 12/13 he was no longer a child who used excuses to get out of school he turned on me he would physically hurt me just by trying to walk him to school I was pushed slapped tripped up and when I was able to hold on to him a begging and pleading that I not take him to school I could see the fear in his face but for us he couldn’t tell you what he was afraid of
I was told my son was just playing up and being naughty
I have since found out my son masks so well that unless you know what your looking for or if he has a meltdown you would not know.
i feel for you as having a school refuser is not just a naughty child who doesn’t want to go to school
The fear is real and it’s hard to deal with.
I would honestly get him assessed as there could be more going on there and if he doesn’t at least that is an avenue that you have looked into.
For my son removing him from school was for the best but we didn’t get the greatest help and when it finally did come it was too late for us to get him back into school as he would have left by then anyway

I have a DD who finds it very hard to attend school. She is autistic - it was the difficulty around attending school that pushed me for an assessment as when I was looking into EBSA it came up time and time again that those children who become very anxious about attending school are often ND. Separation anxiety and extreme tantrums as younger child are also indicators - my second DC is also autistic and has suffered badly with separation anxiety. Given he has an autistic sibling, I certainly wouldn't be ruling anything out.

Whether or not you choose to consider an assessment, you will need to get a plan in place with the school (rightly or wrongly, they do tend to listen more if you have a diagnosis). It's very poor that the SENCO won't see you for such a long time. You can look up your Local Authority guidance for EBSA and see if the school has put any of the recommended steps in place. My DC has managed to attend more regularly with a reduced timetable but it does mean she still misses a lot. There often is no easy fix, unfortunately.

So sorry you're going through this with your son, it's so hard. My son's the same age, and had a phase of intense anxiety / panic attacks about 2 years ago. For him, it was very clearly a legacy of the pandemic hitting when he was at such a young age, so a lot of health anxiety. Some CBT (online) did help - some of it he hated and finds unhelpful (breathing exercises are a big no-no), but some other grounding type things helped. We still have moments when he gets stuck back in those thought patterns, but we can usually help him find a way out now.

I think you can self refer (like IAPT but for children) to access local services without the GP, but that's probably not super quick.

Do read about ocd - a lot of media focus is on the rituals but often the intrusive thoughts are far more debilitating and the rituals are adopted to try to control that iyswim

Ps my child really regrets giving up school now and wishes I had forced her in. I find this a little odd as I did everything I reasonably could, short of the proverbial gun to head.

We have had this with one of ours. Secondary level. I don’t think the modern education system works for certain kids (and not all of these kids are ND). I think the pressure and chaos makes certain kids feel unsafe and overwhelmed. The system doesn’t fit these kids and I have realised that no amount of therapy will actually change that as you can’t change the child’s innate personality

are there any other options locally? Smaller schools? Home schooling whilst a granny could care?

Hi. I think you would benefit from joining groups for school refusers. If you post about your situation, you will get useful advice. This will be different from reading other people's posts.

I do think you need to get all your ducks in a row as it were - if you get to a point where he will not go in, you need to show that you have been seeking help.

So I would see GP. If nothing else, it will be on his medical notes and you may need a paper trail at some point.

Then the senco - if he is not showing distress at school, he will be a low priority for the sen team, but again you will have a paper trail.

My nephew went through a phase like this. His parents had recently separated and he became obsessed that one of them would die if he didn't do certain things. He also thought he was bad and prayed all the time so he had no time to go to school. He had cbt at CAMHS and it was very successful.

Good luck