To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

I had tried doing different anxiety books with my 9yo DS and they also made things worse for him. I ended up paying for a child psychologist in the end who said at primary age it needs to be parent led. We basically followed the strategies in this book: Breaking Free from child anxiety and OCD (I listened to it on audible but you can buy the book on Amazon, it’s just for the adult to read and implement) Also, we had to create a daily worry time slot to discuss things he had written down rather than it consuming all day and he had a reward scheme. The more we comforted and reassured him, the worse the anxiety got. Good luck

And what should/could have been done to make things better? My youngest is not attending school and suffered a lot of trauma due to his explosive elder brother. I am at a loss what to do.

@HippyKayYay i have sent you a private message. It’s horrible , heart breaking and exhausting - we have been through it

I agree with this - I think one of the things about CBT that helped my son was the realisation that lots of people have these feelings and fears. He'd felt very ashamed, and I saw that just dissolve and he realised he wasn't alone in having worries he couldn't control.

It can help to explain to people (not just kids) that there are other people who feel this way.

Whether this would help your kid will depend on what he's like. But you could try saying:

A lot of smart, capable, good people have irrational fears, or scary thoughts. Doesn't make them bad, or weak, or wrong. It's just a hurdle that millions of people worldwide have to get through.

Other people might not have that hurdle, but they'll face others (everyone has a cross to bear). Some people find maths hard, or are bad at sport, or have allergies.

It's not easy to deal with them, but there is stuff that can help. I like this London Zoo programme as a nice concrete example: https://www.londonzoo.org/plan-your-visit/zoo-experiences/friendly-spider-programme.

At my daughters school, they are allowed to bring one in from year 5 ( at 9 I'm not sure if your son is year 4 or 5) but it has to be handed into the school office, and child can go to the office if need to access their phone.

My son is in primary and has a phone for this reason. He brings it in, turns it off and has to out it in a box for the day. It is possible. He isn’t the only one especially as when they get to year 6 at least half the kids bring in a phone.

Some DC find therapeutic intervention that taps into their interests and relies less on verbal communication easier to engage with. For example, if DS likes animals, animal assisted therapy.

I second requesting an EHCNA. You can do this yourself using one of the model letters IPSEA has on their website.

Alongside this, if DS is unable to attend school, you can request alternative provision. IPSEA also has a model letter for this you can use. The provision should be provided as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed and should begin by the sixth day at the latest. The days don’t have to have already been missed or consecutive.

Some people find their local young carers service helpful. Some also find speaking to Sibs useful.

PM you

She said she couldn't articulate what the problem was back then but now ok reflection it was because she was scared of being sick in front of people which ironically is the reason for my daughters EBSA too. Currently waiting ASD assessment.

Ironically she now works in a school as an LSA!

Aw @B2B25 that's awful!

How is she as an adult? What does she say about it now?

Ah okay sorry. Would you consider giving him a phone just for school to help to allay his fears? And please don’t ask for the teacher to use their phone.

Just wanted to reassure you that I was a school refuser as a child and all ok now, I’m not ND. I just had separation anxiety for a few years and was anxious, which disappeared as I matured and got older. I think you’re doing the right thing on trying to get him into school, especially seeing as you know he’s ok once there

Might EFT/tapping for kids help? Videos on YouTube, he doesn't have to talk aloud if he doesn't want to

We have personal experience in our family. If the fears are irrational they won’t be helped by talking about them. I would try a totally different approach.

What is his diet like? Does he eat fruit, veg, dairy, eggs, meat, fish? How much sugar and UPF does he get. Does he do any sports or physical activities on a regular basis? How many hours a day does he spend outside? If not a lot, could you increase to 3 hours free play outside per day? (1000 hours outside challenge on FB has good encouragement and suggestions for this.)

Yeah my sister had EBSNA going back 25/30 years ago! It was horrible watching the EWO come and try and drag her out the bathroom she'd locked herself in.

Psychiatrist asap even if you have to sell the dog.

OCD is fixable the earlier you tackle it. DS won’t want to do the exercises cos they’ll challenge the crazy - that’s why they work.

Has anything hapenned at school? I only ask as my 5 year old recently started refusing to go to school, turns out a little sh1t was telling her that her mum (me) was going to die, that if she told anyone then little sh1t's Dad would come kill me etc. She was waking up in the night screaming for me just to make sure I wasn't dead.
What helped for us was

• school moved that child to another class
• I recorded video messages which the teacher could play to my daughter if she got upset, as when she saw me it reassured her that I was ok
• she had a 'worry monster' which she fed her worries into if her preferred adult wasn't available
• She had a small cuddly sprayed with her perfume so it smelled like me

Appreciate this is very different as your son is 9, but just thought worth sharing.

Agree with other suggestions, that going needs to be his choice. Sometimes my 9 year old refuses to get dressed and go to school - she likes school, just can't seem to get going in the morning. My response is 'that's fine, I will message your teacher to say you aren't coming in', which 9 times out of 10 ends up with her running up the stairs to get dressed. I don't force her, I just let her know what will happen if she doesn't.

You poor thing.

I don't really have any advice as my DD also struggles so I know how draining it is, you have my sympathy.

I don’t know if this will helpmOP, but I found that Making home really boring - no WiFi and no devices means it’s better to go to school. If home is a better option than school quite often kids want to do that.
also, anxiety can be felt at the thought of leaving a computer game or not getting back to have enough time to play on them can be a factor.
our kids are so enmeshed in gaming these days.

@BB2B25 well ASD is the largest need group receiving EHCPs so I'd estimate around half of emotionally based school avoidance stems from neurodiversity.

There are a number of reports if you Google.

It's not exactly a new problem but has only received media coverage more recently.