Am I ungrateful?

You sound a bit annoying and self absorbed to be honest.

Sorry but you do sound ungrateful. Understandable that it's hard for you, but it's also very hard for him as well. It's already been a few months where it sounds like he needs to do pretty much everything, caring for the children and also caring for you as well, while also working full time. It really is a lot for one person and his employer can only be so patient with all the extra leave. Are you thanking him for everything he is doing?

Exactly! I work full time (to support the family). My employers tolerance can only go so far. Every day I have people at work demanding me for this or that, because I am so far behind! If I didn't work, or only worked part time, I'd have no problem with my situation. Luckily my DH recognises I can only be stretched so far. Sorry to hijack the post..

I think YABU, sorry. It sounds like he’s spinning a lot of plates. Taking your post at face value, it sounds like he’s being very supportive and if this is the first time he’s called you ungrateful I think that’s pretty good going to be honest.

I’m waiting for an operation and won’t have anyone to help me in the weeks post-op, plus I have a cat. I’ll have to rely on whatever local services are available and will need to organise a cat sitter for litter box, feeding and playing duties. It can’t all fall on your husband, there will be services that can help you. The royal voluntary service offer patient transport for example.

Whilst trying to work full time?

What assistance do you need?

Help into the car and out into a wheelchair?

Would someone meet you at the door?

Yes, very much so.

Your DH is having to cope with a lot, that's difficult for anyone to manage, but that's part of marriage. It's disappointing that he's got angry and called you f'ing ungrateful, rather than work with you to find an alternative solution. It's not like you yourself have any other options to call on when you are immobile and in pain. I've been a carer for my mother for a couple of years now. It's stressful, hard work, frustrating, devastating, yes sometimes I just want to scream and rage in despair, but I take that elsewhere and not put it on her - it's not her fault.

It seems like you've found a couple of options from this thread. I wonder if it might work better for DH to focus what time he has available on your medical care and appointments, and ask others to help with the life stuff like school runs, dog walks, food. There'll be other parents from school able to take your kids and bring them back. There'll be local dog owners who can take yours out with them. Online food shops, or meal deliveries, or extended family to help with cooking meals.

Oh my fucking lord the bar is so low for men!

He's your husband, Looking after the house and kids on his own while you can't do your share is his duty and getting you to appointments should be a bare minimum.

I kept everything going for my husband over the couse of 9 operations, the debilitating periods in between and his recovery after. Literally a couple of years.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly I'm just wife it was my job and my duty to step up while he couldn't and secondly because I love him.

I neither wanted nor expected thanks and I absolutely didn't want him to feel guilty. He couldn't help being ill.

He clearly doesn't love you very much and cba to ensure the best recovery for you. Most women would be expected to take on all household and child related care and behave like Florence Nightingale to boot. Society just doesn't expect the same from men as evidenced by this thread.

No wonder so many men fuck off when their wife gets cancer. They're not expected to step up for women. We and our health are not worth the trouble apparently.

Sorry @modernshmodern I think you are being unreasonable.

Your dh has already made substantial alterations to his life to accommodate your situation.

You need to find an alternative, as others have suggested, patient transport. Assistance taxi, volunteer service if your hospital run one.

Talk to the hospital about hospital transport or local voluntary car schemes.

I disagree. I think whichever way round it is, both are human and entitled to feel how they feel. It has been a few months so a relatively long period of time and I can only imagine how burnt out he must feel. And of course it’s not the OPs fault but I think in this situation she could think of ways to make his life easier as he is doing with hers every day. I’m not sure why you think he sounds pathetic, most people would struggle with working, looking after another adult plus kids and the home.

I'm sorry to hear you've been unwell and are have a long recuperation

However, this doesn't mean that only your needs matter. Your post does make you sound very self-centred and quite ungrateful I'm afraid. You've shown zero consideration of the impact on him.

And the ridiculous posts about what would happen if the roles were reversed...well we all know everyone would be telling the OP that her DH was ungrateful, telling her she couldn't pour from an empty cup etc etc.

Yes of course you need support and he is doing loads. You sound like you just expect him to add and add to this with whatever you need - regardless of the fact he's also got to work!!

I'm currently your husband in this scenario. I'm the sole breadwinner and spending all my time (and annual leave), ferrying people around for medical appointments, doing housework.. EVERYTHING. I am exhausted but have no leave left, to have a break myself. If my DH responded as you have, making me feel guilty, for making him feel guilty, I would flip my fucking lid! I get it's been hard for you, but you need to listen to him on this one.

One of my relatives helps with the Royal Voluntary Service; mostly ferrying people to outpatient appointments. Can you see if they have a group near you who can help, or if the hospital can recommend something?
In London there's dial-a-ride for people with long term disabilities, not sure of the qualifying criteria, but there might be a similar service in other parts of the country.

Community transport? Many areas have a network of volunteer drivers who can take, pick up or even accompany.You pay a fixed fee per mile and possibly a joining fee.

My friend is a private carer, this is the sort of thing she gets paid for. Have a look online for this sort of service, it'll be under search terms like home help, home support, mobility assistance - that sort of thing. It's not astronomically priced either.

I know everyone has their limits, but I hope he apologises for the way he spoke to you. I'm sure you didn't beg to be temporarily disabled. These situations get really tough for everyone.

I remember your last post about your DH OP.

Taking both into account, I think it sounds like you're frustrated at not being able to do more, and he's on the cusp of burning out.

I know things are hard right now but I think you both need to cut each other a bit more slack. It's not an easy situation for either of you, so it's hardly surprising tempers are a bit frayed.

I'm glad he's able to take AL for your first appt - I hope you find an alternative that allows you to attend the rest of the appts with less stress. Some great suggestions on this thread.

@Sallyblackcat we all know that if a man posted on here the same he would be told he’d need to arrange a taxi or another mode of transport as it’s too much to put on their wife. Men are allowed a bit of empathy too, despite it being mumsnet 🙄

wishing you the best in your recovery OP, however, you’ve not acknowledged how hard this will be on your husband and it’s all about you. Please take the time to thank him, he’s understandably going to burn out.

Why was group physio suggested? It sounds really inconvenient Could you not book a physiotherapist to come to your home?

I don't think that's altogether true. I think some people would be sympathetic and say that adding another appointment is a big ask.

You don't say how far the hospital is. But would he be able to take you and you get a taxi back? Or maybe vice versa if you think that would be easier. It sounds like he has been missing a lot of work already to support you, but this might be workable as a compromise?

It feels a bit like if this is necessary rehabilitation there should be a way to get you there outside of relying on family - what would a single person do?

OP I’m sorry for what you and your family are going through and wish you a speedy recovery. Would it help if you could take a bit more responsibility for having a group of friends and family who are happy to help out occasionally while you are recovering to share the load more. Often neighbours, friends etc are only too happy to help if they can. It’s too much to all be on your DH’s shoulders. If you have been there for others in the past, I am sure they will be happy to help. Do you know any retired people who can help out. A huge amount of different people helped us when DH was very ill but I had to be clear what we needed and not be too proud.

Also can you research all the possible options for other support that would help you and also DH’s load be lighter to relieve him a little. Charities that give support, pay for a carer, get some childcare, cleaner, shop on line etc if money allows?