Am I ungrateful?

What about your network of school mum friends? Can any of them drive you to your sessions? How about a retired neighbour etc? Do you have a road whatsapp group? (we do on our close). It seems a bit unfair your DH is having to do everything for you plus trying to work - if he didn't wfh what would you have done then? - he wouldn't have been able to just book a month off work for example? I guess one of your parents would have moved into your house to care for you and sort oit your dog/kids/appointments? . Try and find someone who is free 1st before making your sister book a whole day A/L?

But in most jobs annual leave has to be approved and requires notice. You can’t just choose to take it as and when you want so it’s not necessarily as simple as you make out. Also lots of jobs don’t allow you to carry it over.

Gosh this sounds incredibly difficult for you all

Sounds like your husband is really struggling to keep on top of everything and this is the straw that broke the camels back

Is there a way to give him a break for a few days?

I think YABU to assume he can just pop home or go to a cafe, he is already completely disrupted having to work from home, do all school runs, etc

Can you get a taxi?

When you’ve been to the first one ask in the venue if they have capacity to help you in and out of the taxi and into the venue. This would be cheaper than asking your family to take A/L.

You could always ring them and ask them before too. Even a taxi company helps with this sort of thing in my area. Getting a wheelchair from reception etc.

How long have you been like this? This is what PIP is for. Do you claim PIP?

You need to ask a friend or speak to the hospital transportation service

Well done you for holding it all together, sorry we're not all superwoman. Many of the comments are from women who have been in the husbands situation and have found it really tough so have some empathy for other women and men who experience it. It's nothing to do with the sex of the carer.

It does sound full on. But i can't help thinking that many women work full time, take full responsibility for the children and do caring for parents etc. And not just for a short period. It's not the work of three people it's the work of a lot of women.

I said “IF” he’s the main earner. I assumed nothing.

He has annual leave. So you’d insist on your partner missing appointments he needs for his recovery as you’re working. You wouldn’t look into booking some AL for the first few at least? What kind of marriage is that? Surely any loving partner would ensure their other half could make the appointments. If not all, he can book some time off for the first. That’s life when one partner has a surgery, you have to book some time off to help.

My friend is sadly very sick, out of the blue, now end of life. I am having to book some time off work to visit her and take care of her dog. I am more than happy to use some of my AL for this. A lot of self centred people on this thread. I always carry over some AL each year for emergencies.

OP need to explore other options to get there rather than just sit and say there is no one! Hospital transport can take her on a stretcher and bring her home.
It maybe that he’s getting grief from his employer for having to continually juggle his hours to fit in taking time off for appointments and do the school run.

you are being ungrateful,

@Zanatdy and @Scammersarescum are idiots and dont understand the realities of employment

It’s expecting him to drive her to many appointments whilst he is working. He is being paid to do something else during that time. He is trying hard to fit work around supporting his wife but some things just can’t give

You don’t know he can take annual leave, his work would need to approve it and they might not for multiple reasons. Sometimes it is just not possible to step up and if you can’t then the pressure to do so must feel insane.

Oh come on. It’s important for his family tgat he is able to keep his job. Sounds like he knows he can’t take more time out , maybe it’s at a time he always has meetings/ he needs the time available for meetings/ his boss or others have said something.

Can your family comfortably survive when he inevitably loses his job because he spends his working day driving you around to appointments and doing school runs rather than actually working?

I'd imagine he's been pulled up on it, and that's why he's saying he can't keep doing it. If you need a carer at your beck and call 24/7 he needs to give up work or you need to employ a private carer. You can't expect him to constantly absent from work during his contracted working hours.

what would he do if he was a single dad? And presumably If she was a single mum they’d need to stay at their dads or other family, she’s recovering from an operation!

You're expecting too much from him. He's doing everything. How would you cope if you were a single parent? You need to start taking responsibility and sort transport out for yourself. Post on Facebook groups, there are definitely taxis who help with situations like this.

Many places have a volunteer driver service aimed primarily at elderly people but open to anyone who needs transport to get to a hospital appointment or similar. It might be worth googling if there is one in your area?

By the sounds of it, it hasn't been just 1 appointment though. It's been many, many and over an extended period, whilst also having to work. But anyway, I recognise I'm probably projecting because I'm burnt out over my long time carers and work responsibilities.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. However, you do sound ungrateful. Even in your posts, you don’t mention actually being grateful for all his effort. Yes, he’s your husband and frankly, he’s supposed to step up. But that doesn’t mean you can’t show gratitude and present your issues with a context of gratitude - e.g. I would not try to guilt trip someone by saying they are making me feel guilty when I know they’ve been caring so much for me already. I’d re-think how I present that ask to them.

I spent many years caring for a sick family member. It was my duty to help. It was so so so difficult for a number of reasons. I still acknowledge that it was a million times harder for the sick family member - at least I was in good health. However, this relative made it very clear that they were grateful for all I was doing. It kept me going.

Self absorbed? OP has had surgery and needs to attend for her recovery. She isn’t booking a night out and expecting her DH to drive her. How on earth is expecting her DH to drive her to an appointment self absorbed? Heard it all now.

It was 3wks in hospital, 8wks until I could do school run or cooking. This is one appointment he needs to commit to, to help his wife in her recovery. It’s not constant care for 3 months. He can take AL. Instead he’s making her feel guilty which is terrible behaviour. I’m sure he can fit the appointment in for a few weeks then help his wife make arrangements for help from others. He can’t just say he’s not doing it but don’t cancel, leaving OP having no clue if she can get to this appointment which is for her recovery.

Who's to say OP isn't the breadwinner? Massive assumptions going on here.

Don't like how many women assume other women play secondary or SAHM roles in their family just because they do. I certainly don't. Maybe it's her husband who needs to prioritise OP's recovery so she can get back to work and earn the family bacon... There's this assumption that her DP must have a big and important job compared to her, presumably because he's had a strop? Or maybe just because he's a man?

As a side note, I know many women who do the school run but who earn more than their husbands.

I'm sorry, but there is a big difference between 3 weeks and 3 months. If her DH has been doing everything for an extended period, then says he can't fit this extra appointment due to his work commitments, then I would hardly call that not stepping up.

It’s hard, but he really does need to commit to the first one then come up with a plan. Some friends may be able to help. Sounds like your DH is feeling overwhelmed stepping into your shoes, like many DH’s do. But he needs to step up and remember he is meant to he supporting your recovery. He is your husband.

My ex stepped up and helped me after I had major pancreatic surgery and was in ICU for 2wks, and another one on the ward. He came to the hospital daily, helped me to shower (did feel a bit odd but I was too unwell to care) and then did took kids and picked them up every day, and made dinner for me and the kids. My family live miles away and whilst it wasn’t planned he would do all that, seeing me in ICU with all the complications made him realise how unwell I was and how I couldn’t possible cope alone with kids. So if an ex can do it, your husband certainly should be able to.