To ask about your opinions on a 15 year age gap between kids?

I know it's not the same, but there is a 15year age gap between my child and my sibling. My sibling adored my child, when both were young. Now they are old (sibling coming up 70, child in their mid 50's) my sibling still thinks the sun shines out of my child.
When our Mum died, child's beloved Nan, I repeated to my sibling that my child had been quite nasty to their (childs) partner. Child had told me this themselves, and I was aware of how cut up about the death child was and saw that as a reaction to their hurt, not excusable, but understandable. My siblings response? "Oh no not xxx, they couldn't be nasty if they tried".

True, they didn't always have to live together, but they did for some years. and sibling always went out of their way to keep in touch with my child when we didn't all live together.

@willstarttomorrow firstly, so sorry for your loss.

But to add, I think for me personally, you must have to spread yourself thinner? To accommodate a variety of ages, and I quite value time to myself, time just DH, my career, as well as family time, and 1:1 time with the kids. I think that would be too much of a struggle for me, as the things I'd have to drop are the things that benefit me, and I think taking that time makes me a happier and better mum. I am speaking for myself here, I accept not everyone is like that.

15 and 17 years between me and my older half siblings (different mums).

They have resented me since the day I was born and now our dad has died we don't keep in touch. They have a good relationship with each other and so don't need another sibling so to speak. It's sad for me as I don't have other siblings but i was always the one who made the effort anyway, I've given up now.

Tbh the above is probably a lot to do with the toxic blended family dynamic that was going on at the time, and the fact we grew up in different houses. I imagine it's different if there is a healthier relationship between the adults involved. I never felt like I had siblings anyway, I frequently refer to myself as an only child, they were more like cousins to me.

@mnat I totally understand what you are saying and as a widowed parent of teens we have done similar. However, as they have got older it is more about facilitating them to become more independent, whilst still actively parenting. I have worked with several families where there is a huge age gap and everyone manages to feel included, has 1-2-1 time with their parents and love and accept their younger siblings with no issue (and no expectation of child care etc.).

I would hate to do 'baby' again but other people do and what I am trying to highlight is that for many families often really positive. My much older siblings were amazing when DH died suddenly, we were close when when one parent died following a horrible and dibilating illness, continue to be so now the other parent has end stage dementia and one sibling has a very poor prognosis due to ill health. We are a team and we were growing up, despite the age difference. I cannot think of any way the age difference was detrimental to me growing up, and neither can they. There were other factors outside our control (in your example, this is parents focusing solely on the younger children) but the age difference itself has not been an issue.

We have never expected our two oldest children to babysit or manage their younger sister. Their studies have never been interrupted by their younger sister's needs.
Parents shouldn't rely on their oldest child/ren to take of the younger child/ren.

Step brothers, 13 years. Not close in the slightest.

Obviously we did something very wrong somewhere!

@SlugsWon being available to them possibly helps? If I was distracted by a younger child, I would be less available and they might withdraw. We're a very close knit family unit.

11 years between my two and they're great friends. I came home from work today and heard my 12 year old chatting on FaceTime to someone only to realise it was my 23 year old. She occasionally tries to 'parent' him but I've reminded her not to do that, just remain the big sis.

There’s 16 years between my mum and uncle and whilst they got on they were never overly close. By the time my mum was growing up, my uncle joined the army and got married. This was in the 60s (uncle was born in the late 40s, mum in the early 60s) but yeah they were never overly close or anything.

@mnat you are lucky your teens want to spend so much time with you! My 14 year old was spending more time hanging out with friends and his own hobbies, than hanging with me by the time I had ds2 (14 year gap). His exams and revision were less impacted then they would have been by an older sibling, ds2 was in bed by 7.30 throughout the exam years.

12-15 years between me and my siblings. We don’t know each other very well and haven’t really been a big part of each others’ lives since I was very young and we all lived at home together. I think it depends on how much of an effort the older one(s) make with the younger one as they’re growing up. By the time you’re all adults a distant relationship is never going to turn close.

@crumblingschools I agree, of that is the situation then there are added complexities (although many households have to make unsuitable and crowded houses work because that is the reality for many families). However, it is not a 'given' that a baby or toddler will be disruptive or detrimental to a much older sibling. There are also many positives as posters have highlighted. Assuming that OP has the space, capacity and time for a new baby and the older child/ren and it feels right for her family then the age gap alone is not necessarily an issue.

Wouldn’t ask my teen to babysit or anything either. I was purely talking the noise. Crying and screaming babies/toddlers while you are trying to revise. Less help and support from parents because focused on baby/toddler.

Even as an adult I’d find a screaming baby or toddler extremely off putting when trying to focus and read something even a good book let alone when it matters for my future in life.

Siblings may grow up to love or hate each other that’s the gamble 15 year gap or 2. I just wouldn’t put the extra stress and noise unnecessarily at a stressful time for them on purpose.

You don't know what life will bring you. Second marriages, fertility struggles... 15 years gap might just be the hand you're dealt :) No age gap is wrong, it's often circumstantial.

I have 20 years. It's like having 2 only children but I wouldn't change it.

I find it interesting that some posters are concerned about the impact on a teenager due to schooling/exams etc. This was not my experience personally or having been involved professionally with families with this age gap. Unless the eldest are expected to take on a caring role, my observations are that that the impact on them is minimal as long as all children are parented appropriately for their age.

I just this very hard to believe. I spend a lot of time with my teens, we have shared hobbies, I spend a lot of 1:1 time with each of them at restaurants, cinema, going to the gym. Not to mention ferrying them around to their activities. There is no way I would sustain that with a baby to breastfeed and then a noisy toddler.

I remember the guilt when I had a baby and toddler when all my energy needed to be focussed on the baby. Teens needs would naturally be de-prioritised when you have a baby crying.

14 years between me and youngest sibling.

Today we are very close and I adore her. It was also the best contraceptive possible.

But, a lot depends on how you manage things.

It's not fair to choose to have another child with that age gap and expect the older child to be an unpaid baby sitter, or change what they are used to doing because they now have a new sibling. It's also not fair to expect them to be happy and excited about it if they are not.

I hated being asked to look after the baby when we were out and absolutely mortified at the looks and people tutting about teenage mothers and what a disgrace it was.

It was annoying that just at the stage we could do certain activities as a family we were stuck back at softplay or one parent not being able to participate to look after the baby.

It also didn't help in terms of having my mother available when I was looking at universities or struggling with mental health issues at the time as she was always tired and busy with the baby. I ended up being overly independent and self reliant and moved abroad straight after university for over a decade.

I have friends that have an 18yr and 20yr olds and they have a 2yo. The older two looooove their little sister. She loves them. I think it's all about personalities than ages. My coworker has siblings close in age to her that she doesn't really get along with however she's pretty close to the ones that are 10 plus years older than she is. It all depends.

@willstarttomorrow will also depend on how much room there is in the house, teenager sharing bedroom with toddler wouldn’t be great, and how much time parents have to spare. Family I know are very much concentrating on their young children, older kids don’t get much of a look in

This would be my worry. Nothing in common, just unfair on both kids, and hard work for you essentially starting again just as the older one is becoming independent.

I find it interesting that some posters are concerned about the impact on a teenager due to schooling/exams etc. This was not my experience personally or having been involved professionally with families with this age gap. Unless the eldest are expected to take on a caring role, my observations are that that the impact on them is minimal as long as all children are parented appropriately for their age.

In some cases, a closer age can be far more detrimental (eg a younger sibling hitting adolescence at exam time and the upheaval this life stage can cause within the home). I would also argue that in someways easier than trying to meet the demands of a toddler/preschooler and a newborn- who both need constant attention but in conflicting ways.

I have a teenager, they still need lots of support, attention , reassurance and love etc but it is such a different situation to the early years stage. I adore them, love spending time with them and I am in awe of the young person they are becoming. So if you are able to ensure they still have this with time together it should be fine. This will obviously depend on the young person and their individual needs but often I think we do not give teens enough credit or trust them/our parenting as they grow into maturity.

Not a sibling but my 14 years older uncle lived with us all my childhood. Definitely felt like a different generation.

Friend of family has 2 teenagers and then had 3 under 5. Teenagers have found it really hard. Trying to do exams, planning what future will be, whilst parents are focussing on babies, use teenagers for babysitting. They resent the younger children. Time will tell I suppose whether they will ever be close when they are all adults

I have a 12 year gap and they think the world of each other and are very close (they are grown up now). I can’t relate to the separate childhood thing at all.

In my DH’s family there are tiny age gaps and the siblings aren’t at all close.

The gap between 2nd and 3rd is 13 1/2 years here. Full siblings.
It has never been an issue.