Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

No that's something I have read about in gentle parenting books and seen on blogs.

For what it's worth I think that there are times when talking to your kids about emotions is worthwhile, just not in the middle of a tantrum.

What your describing isn’t gentle parenting.

I'm not a gentle parenting parent, but IMO your neighbour's kid wouldn't stop the tantrum at the other approach either – kids are who they are and some are more headstrong and tantrumy than others. Emotional regulation is, by and large, a maturity issue – not a parenting one at that age.

Also, natural consequences are not meant to be used in dangerous situations. They are meant to be used for things like not putting on your coat = getting cold, or not getting your school stuff together = getting in trouble with teacher.

The problem with these discussions is that it always ends up as a ‘no true scotsman’ argument (‘that’s not real gentle parenting, that’s permissive parenting!’ etc). But in real life, everyone i’ve ever met who feels the need to give their parenting a title in this way is, in fact, teaching their child that it’s ok to override other people’s physical boundaries, ignore their ‘no’, and prioritise their own needs. That’s just my personal experience of people who self-describe as gentle parents.

I say this as someone who agrees with the underlying principles of ‘gentle parenting’ - to me it’s just ‘parenting’ and it’s how i was brought up. I’m vehemently anti-smacking, never shout at my DC, and always explain why they can’t do something if it’s feasible to do so. But they have clear boundaries and consequences, and know that they are not the centre of the universe and that sometimes their mum wants personal space or needs them to be quiet or has her own feelings and needs. I feel that both extremes (authoritarian, aggressive parenting and parenting that lacks boundaries and discipline) aren’t good for children’s long-term social and personal development.

Yeah... Abusive.

Not something to be proud of, tbh.

The biggest problem with gentle parenting is that it doesn't teach children how the real world works. There are punitive consequences to all of our actions.

A worker who throws a tantrum over being made to do something they don't want to isn't going to have a long explanation or negotiation, they get fired. If you break the speed limit, you get fined. If you hit someone, you get a criminal record. If you don't pay your taxes because you couldn't be bothered, you go to jail.

We have a generation of children who think that their behaviour is not their fault. Restorative conversations rather than swift action in school. Endless attempts to cajole students while the rest of the class suffers. I am forever trying to squish the "I just cannot control my emotions yet" phrase one of my own seems to have picked up from school - no, you are giving yourself excuses. Here are some strategies that help, try those. Children are not taught to take responsibility; they are taught that when they do something wrong another adult will come and sort the situation with, and often for, them.

Then they are wrong.

They can call it what they want, but it doesn't make it so.

I can tell Mr Sainsbury that this blue note with £5 written on it is actually a purple one with £20 written on it. It wouldn't make it so.

You can now correct her and tell her the term she is looking for is not "gentle parenting" it's "shit lazy parenting"

I just can't be bothered with the labels.

So not gentle parenting, but something you have personally decided is included in your personal definition of gentle parenting.

All that talking about what big feelings have been brought up by having to put your shoes on and leave the house. Or having to sit at their level and debate and negotiate the merits of wearing shoes outside. Sometimes you just need to put them into their shoes and coat and go because they aren't the centre of the universe.

Ah, lovely, so pain to control behaviour. “If I do that mummy/daddy will hurt me”.

My generation (millennials) are the ones who appear to have collectively decided that the way we were raised wasnt actually that great and we want to do it differently.

I, and everyone i know my age has had to have therapy to deal with their childhood. I'll take my chances with gentle parenting my own children in the hope they turn out better than i did.

I can see that it's very easy to go from validating feelings to making a child think only their feelings matter

What really does validating feelings mean in gentle parenting terms
"I can see you are cross but you can't do that" ?

I was a parent educator and “gentle(ish) parent. I was very strict and had firm consequences for breaking boundaries. I think a lot of people misunderstand what gentle parenting is. It IS having boundaries and expectations. It is having consequences for poor behaviour - natural where possible. But the natural consequence of stepping in the road without looking is to get run over and, ideally, parenting should step in before that.

its “time in” rather than time out. Although childrem reach an age where time in their bedroom to decompress is far more beneficial
to them than sitting next to mum 🤣.

a lot of parents interpret it to be soft. Child isn’t working hard at school, let’s drill
down to why. No let’s not, it’s mostly because it’s more fun being an ass so their needs to be a consequence for poor decisions and failing your GCSE’s is far too abstract and “in the future”. Losing your electronics works just fine. Not wholly natural but I’m no purist.

Tit for tat...?

She hits you, you hit her back
She throws food, you throw food
She shouts at you in anger, you shout back
She runs away from you in the car park, so you run away from her.

They can call it what they like, it doesn’t change the fact that what they’re doing is not gentle parenting.

A Fashionable parenting method that many people don't understand well enough to follow properly and when misapplied leads to lots of disadvantages for the child is a dangerous methodology

I must admit I can't quite get my head around what is actually is - only "it's not that"

Ooh it has been a good month or two since we had this debate on MN.

But yeah, OP, that is permissive parenting. They might call it gentle parenting but it isn’t.

I ‘gentle parent’ my child who has been through significant trauma and has complex SEN. Doesn’t mean he gets away with being a terror - there are consequences for his actions and he is generally very well behaved (now that he’s in a school where his needs are being met). I validated his feelings, whilst reminding him that lashing out and screaming was not ok. Calm but firm boundaries. He pretty much does what I ask of him because I respect him and he respects me.

Passive neglectful parenting became a think since smart phones and iPads and working from home whilst trying to parent became things. It’s shit parenting. It’s not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is listening to your kids, engaging with them and actually parenting them.

None of what you describe is any part of gentle parenting.

My niece is a she. If you read my comment properly you'd see that I said that there are two parents, so THEY are responsible for the children, not SHE.
They call it gentle parenting, whether you agree or not.

Depends on your kids! My friend would lecture her kids about behaviour towards others, feelings, boundaries etc... and they would genuinely listen and then behave better. They are quite serious kids with quite a serious family.

Mine... pfffftttt!! They needed that short sharp "NO" and then some action. They wouldn't stop and listen and take in the lecture and empathise, they were too young - or too silly?!

The classic example was at soft play, my DD and her friend were throwing balls in the ball pit at other kids, it wasn't overly nasty but it wasn't nice either. We pulled the kids out and my friend administered her lecture, I tried to copy and it went in DD ear and out the other. Then my DD started to throw balls again and I had to firmly say, "No, don't you dare" and tell her quietly that if she did that again; she'd be out.

She knows I don't make empty threats so she then stopped. But when hearing about how the balls might hit someone and damage their feelings and self confidence blah blah... she was like "yeaaaah and?! 😒"

So not gentle parenting, so why does something that isn’t gentle parenting form your friends views on gentle parenting.

Then they are mistaken.