Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

At 8 years old I'd be really concerned if they lacked the impulse control to not kick a dog. That's forgivable in a toddler but at 8 I'd be worried about what else they were capable of.

I’m cynical as hell about gentle parenting but even I have to concede that the above is not gentle parenting by any means.

A gentle parent would probably say they had no impulse control and couldn’t help kicking the dog so remove them from the situation. But they wouldn’t punish.

I’m not sure what I’d do actually, I’ve sometimes had to tell my four year old to leave the cats alone but it isn’t malicious; more over affection. (Luckily cats are very tolerant.)

I'd really struggle to keep a straight face in that situation.

I was annoyed at my cousins child when they came over. She's 8 and walked past my sleeping dog and kicked him for no reason whatsoever.

I said in a sharp but raised voice "don't you kick my dog! You wouldn't like it if I kicked you would you?" which is what I would have said if my own child kicked the dog.

Cousin went apeshit about my aggressive parenting. She was talking in this sweet fluffy voice saying "now we don't kick dogs because animals are our friends and we have to be respectful of them" etc., while the child was dancing and twirling about. When I pointed out she wasn't even listening, my cousin said the child was "expressing her frustrations through the medium of dance".

So you'd probably think that I'm a lazy parent when you see my 15 year old "tantruming" that he doesn't want to go to school. You'd have probably felt the same every time you'd seen me for the last 15 years.

But I don't I have a nuerodiverse child who gets overwhelmed with the world around them but not overwhelmed enough that he isn't in mainstream education. And also is way too intelligent for me to even contemplate homeschooling.

That person who you see talking through a "tantrum" could actually be trying to get their special needs child to come through a crisis - because no amount of shouting or saying that's it enough is going to stop it until that child's brain is ready.

And yes I'm aware that 90% of tantrums you are in public are just that and not a autistic meltdown but when it's strangers in the street you don't know which it is so stop judging!

It isn’t, it’s definitely your perception that’s the issue

Can you imagine what nightmares they’ll be for some poor teacher once they start school? 😱

Agree 100% with your last sentence re overestimation/underestimation. Children test boundaries. It's our job to guide them with our responses. I recall when my son was 3, he flung a wrapper from something on the ground. I told him to pick it up and put it in the bin. He looked at me and said no, I repeated the instruction, he repeated no. I gently lifted him and held him silently in place beside the paper until he got so frustrated/bored, he decided to pick it up. No waffly explanations, but he understood I was in charge. My children have never slapped me, but I've seen so many younger Mums being slapped by their children. It's such a fundamental breach of respect, I don't understand how parents think letting it slide has no consequences.

There seems to be an imbalance. In the past it was more , you do as your parents tell you and that's that no ifs, buts or questions. Now it's shifted to everything is centered around the child. I understand it's good to listen to children and validate emotions and feelings but I think it's gone too far. I recall a child around 6 making these horrendous screeching noises in a public place. The mother got down on her knee, looking deeply into the child's eyes and said I can see you are having big emotions and talking about the different names of the emotions and how its normal and it's good to let it out and just comforting them making this awful screaming noise repeatedly. I just thought seriously!!! I've seen a lot of this type of thing , a parent says a firm NO and the child can't handle it and it's there there I understand this big emotion that I've said no etc...

Yes, it's really interesting how parents react to same behaviour in girls V boys. Probably worthy of a thesis by itself!

I don't even understand tolerating all the general crawling all over and flailing about some kids do.

I had my 3 year old round at a friend's house and her 2 year old was clambering all over her. He wasn't just sitting in her lap for a cuddle, he was all over her pushing her face, fingers in her mouth, messing her hair, nearly poking her in the eye or hitting her in the face with toys.

She was just talking over this to me and sort of trying to avoid a poke in the eye. It's really distracting trying to have a conversation through that.

I wanted to say "would you just bloody well put him down and tell him to go and play!"

Caiti19

This is true. I've got several friends who tolerated their child hitting them a lot. A lot of saying their child did this due to "emotional disregulation" or "meltdowns due to overwhelm" and saying they needed to allow their child to treat them as their "safe person" ~punching bag~. It was one thing with 2 & 3 year olds but now they have large, strong 8 year olds punching them and they are trying to rein it in with firmer parenting but it's too late, they've lost a lot of the physical advantage they had to correct years of bad habits.its much easier to safely restrain & redirect younger/smaller children whom you can easily lift or hold. This sort of behaviour has to be corrected much younger, too many people overestimate their childs comprehension of long winded explanations but underestimate their childs ability to learn cause/effect at a young age.

@Caiti19 I think her and her DH are sexist. Good little girls who behave and a boy allowed to do what he wants. I do love my newphew it’s not his fault but he is going to be a selfish adult. Even when we eat a family dinner he will just leave the table and nothing is said but the girls stay and they don’t get praise either

It comes down to how a parent defines parenting. Is the job at hand to prepare the child for independent, healthy, happy living in the world as an adult, or is it to always be their best friend and avoid conflict at all cost? The latter is how you create an arsehole husband for some woman down the line!

I've no opinions on the nomenclature - gentle/passive blah blah. One thing I do notice in nieces and nephews is how often they slap their parents/siblings with zero consequence. Kid was told no, he slaps Mother. She says "that's not nice" and is slapped again multiple times. Toddler smacks baby over head, she cries, parents say "that's not nice". No consequences means baby continually hit because toddler had no consequences. I do realise I'm old school and not claiming that's any better. My toddler would slap me once, and never again. We can learn a lot from watching how dogs and cats rear their young. They don't shy away from discipline when they need to.

My sister is a gentle parent and it’s worked well with her 2 girls but it has had a negative impact on her son, who has a different personality and always gets his own way doing what he wants and she does everything to avoid him having a meltdown. I do think she should have adjusted it to suit his personality and this child she has made a rod for her own back. My two children have completely different personalities and respond differently to boundaries, one of them doesn’t often push boundaries much and the other does nothing but push boundaries.

I see why she does it, she doesn’t like shouting and we were shouted at (and smacked) so she decided to do gentle parenting so they had good self esteem. Her girls are is lovely well behaved children who listen to explanations and if I babysit them I do not have to say no to them very much as they are receptive to an explanation. The boy though doesn’t eat properly, lives on snacks, is addicted to TV and gaming consoles and I worry about him in the real world.

For example: we all go out for the day and decide to go for lunch in a city centre. We spend 10 mins checking out the restaurants and make a decision to go to one that has a broad range of foods everyone will like. We get inside he has a tantrum. So we leave and go to a different one. He doesn’t like that either but we are all starving hungry so we sit down and one of his parents takes him to a 3rd place to get fast food and we all eat separately.

Ah yeah, been super lucky with my son’s personality and choices he’s made. LOVED when he was suspended from school twenty three times in a six month period in reception year. My fave was when they had to evacuate the kids out the classroom because he’d got hold of a plank of wood and was trying to smash the room up. Such fun!

I’ve raised a teenager too. I’ve treated them with respect from a young age and they’ve always shown me respect too.

You parent the way you see fit, and by your own account your kids are turning out fantastic, and that’s great. But all I’m trying to say is that your way isn’t the only way. Gentle parenting (when it’s actually gentle parenting and not permissive parenting) can raise pretty fantastic kids too!

A teen who walks to school - if they’re late for school then they lose that amount of their ‘free time’. If they buy sweets when you’ve told them not to then they take packed lunches rather than money.

Tell me you don't have a 15/16 year old yet without telling me you don't have a 15/16 year old yet.

You're also giving children too little credit. Children start to know right from wrong between the ages of 2 and 3. Doesn't mean they always stick to that.
You may have been lucky with the personalities of yours; mine have all been stubborn-ass little so-and-sos. I don't blame them; they have it from their mother. All the conversations have been had - before and after any events that needed intervention. And as I said, all of mine are turning out well-rounded, with the odd blip. Consistency is the key.

But the punishment doesn't always need to fit the crime; sometimes you need to do what is effective and they will remember. The punishment for breaking the law often doesn't fit the crime. How is losing money a consequence related to speeding? Or sweeping streets for a few months a punishment for a broken nose? Those punishments are meant to deter people from committing crimes in the first place, or from reoffending if they have been convicted. A bit like punishments in parenting.

It doesn’t assume that young children stay young. It assumes that young children will learn from their mistakes. Do it effectively early and the need for it lessens.

Interesting that my child who has been actually gentle parented (NOT permissive parented), despite having autism and ADHD and FASD, who is terrified of the dentist, has managed to get through his appointments because he knows that refusing to open his mouth isn’t an option. I’ve explained to him beforehand how important it is and developed a plan with him of what we can do if he’s scared, because I treat him with a bit of respect rather than just rushing to ban screens when he does anything wrong.

There are always consequences and I ALWAYS stick to them. He isn’t allowed YouTube unsupervised because he once, two years ago, watched something he shouldn’t have (some huggy wuggy crap). Nor is he allowed screens in his room because he has shown that he doesn’t listen to his body and go to the toilet when left unsupervised with screens.

A teen who walks to school - if they’re late for school then they lose that amount of their ‘free time’. If they buy sweets when you’ve told them not to then they take packed lunches rather than money.

A parents job is to parent and teach them right from wrong, not just put in place arbitrary punishments that have no relation to real life. They are going to be adults one day and when they know they can do what they want without being grounded or having their screens removed, they might not make the best choices. But they will if they understand what will actually happen if they don’t.

That's hilarious 😂 did you say "thank you for your service"?

And then they get to secondary school and everyone is up in arms that they end up in detention or isolation. Habits are built while children are young, and compliance with uniform regulations is one of those. Reasonable adjustments for uniforms are only done for genuine SEND reasons at secondary level.

Well, they do make reasonable adjustments... Loads of kids at primary school aren't in correct uniform for various reasons.

How is "gentle parenting" supposed to be better for the child than traditional parenting?

I ended up getting really upset at all the idiots telling me I can "just do the school run in DCs pyjamas" like it was some hilarious escapade.

No thought to how I'd have to haul a bag of uniform with DC in both hands and a rucksack. No suggestions as to how I'd manage to get them dressed in the street and stop the toddler wandering off with just two hands. No thought as to how fucking unpleasant it would be for me to have to kneel on a wet pavement getting them dressed in the freezing cold.

Don't give this "advice" to a stressed parent, it won't make them laugh or help them.

And how are you going to police that?

I can refuse all sweet treats at home for the next 6 months, but I know for a fact that they get sweet treats in school, from relatives and at wraparound care. Not exactly effective and 6 months until the next dentist visit (because it's the NHS and they don't give extra (free) appointments to kids who refuse to open their mouths) is a disproportionately long time. And where does it stop? Fruit ruins their teeth, too. I also have a much older teenager, who walks themselves to school. What, pray, do I do if they refuse to open their mouth at the dentist's? Again, this assumes that young children stay young - they don't and need to get into decent habits before they reach an age where you have far less direct control over them.

If mine refuse to get ready for school I'm late for work. The consequences for that are far more severe for me than they are for my kids (because detentions are not a thing at primary school and mine would rather be indoors with a book during play time in this weather anyway). I've never had much of an issue with that because I build in plenty of time, but I know other parents do and are in the same boat with regards to work.

Bar the odd day (see the dentist appointment) mine are thankfully very well behaved, but it has been and still is hard work. I may take a far more traditional route - less explanation, more expectation that requests are followed first time - but in the long run it works out better that way.