Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

I love you 🥰 this is perfect

I’m not reading this whole thread but it’s quite clear that you don’t actually understand gentle parenting.

People who do it properly have boundaries around safety so the natural consequence you describe isn’t one we’d allow.

Try reading what it actually is instead of what you’ve made up in your head.

None of the negative viewpoints accurately describe gentle parent though!

I gentle parented and am delighted with the rods I've created for my own back. I have respectful, resourceful, hard working children who I enjoy being around.

A lot of what people class as gentle parenting isn't, it's not about the kids running the roost, no consequences etc

What you have described isn’t gentle parenting.

You do say no. I do take my child of the table when she climbs up and say no. I just don’t don’t shout at her for doing so.

Gentle parenting encourages emotional literacy and self regulation.

You may be thinking of permissive parenting, which has been covered numerous times in this thread.

Rise in gentle parenting is coincidental with rise in childen with more problems such that schools are struggling - an inability to self regulate for example so no wonder people are asking questions

And to dismiss as "being neglectful" if a parent gets gentle parenting wrong seems to be putting the blame firmly on an individual.. hardly a society building thing

Boomers are afaik no more likely than any other generation to complain about people on benefits

We also follow gentle parenting. I have two very well behaved, lovely and polite children.

That’s not saying they don’t test boundaries or have the occasional tantrum but shouting at them or not respecting them doesn’t solve anything and just ends up with all of us feeling angry/sad/deflated.

This!!! All the way ❤️

I think gentle parenting has become a bit confused with other approaches or even become a bit of an excuse for benign neglect and not parenting at all.
Gentle parenting as it’s meant to be done definitely does not mean no boundaries or discipline or prioritising empathy over all else. Actually, gentle parenting means you acknowledge the child’s feelings but don’t let them carry on doing as they please. Someone using a gentle parenting approach would be likely to say ‘I can see you really want to jump off that table but I can’t let you do that as you’ll hurt yourself’ while lifting them off. Or ‘I can tell you really want that toy and that’s hard, but Jack had it first so since you are having a hard time handing it back I’m going to take it and give it to him’. So there should still be firmness and boundaries, but the child’s feelings are always acknowledged. Natural consequences don’t come at the expense of the child’s safety either. If a parent lets a child fall off a table and says ‘I warned him, falling is a natural consequence’ then that’s not gentle parenting, that’s neglect. A gentle parent would say ‘you are having a hard time listening to me telling you to come down so I’m going to help you so you don’t get hurt’.
Its about the parent staying calm.

"Gentle parenting" produces very individualistic children who think their own feelings are always reasonable & valid

Everyone's feelings are valid. Gentle parenting encourages children to examine whether their feelings are reasonable, but they're allowed to feel those feelings first. It's easier to examine where they come from once the emotional rush is over.

are not very good at tolerating a small amount of disappointment, sadness etc for the collective good

"Traditionally-disciplined" children tolerate this out of fear of the consequences if they don't. Their tolerance doesn't develop naturally. It might take gentle parented children slightly longer to tolerate it, but they tolerate it because it's been explained to them that it's for the collective good, not because they're terrified of the punishment if they don't.

They tend to have zero sense of proportion because they've been taught that its valid to be devastated that their peas are green.

They learn that their emotions are fine to be felt and sometimes our brains make things out to be bigger than they really are. Don't fight the feeling in the moment, just go with it and examine it later - rather than repress the feelings because you'll get shouted at/smacked for it, and then they'll pop up when you really aren't ready for them later on.

They lack obedience and expect an explanation for everything, which is not always reasonable

I'm glad my child doesn't blindly obey everyone older than her; it keeps her safe. I'm also glad that she requests an explanation for things - not only does that also keep her safe, it makes me a better parent. It takes me five seconds to say "because it isn't safe to cross right now" if she was to ask me why we can't cross before the green man is lit. If I can't explain why I'm enforcing something, I have to question whether it's something I need to enforce.

and have an overwhelming sense of entitlement and their own individual importance.

My daughter knows that her voice matters and her feelings matter just as much as anyone else's. She knows that her behaviours and decisions impact on others and makes decisions with that in mind. Knowing your worth and recognising that you are entitled to be happy isn't a bad thing at all.

Its not good for society which requires that we focus on collective good & often requires us to make sacrifices for those more in need.

If traditional parenting achieved this, there wouldn't be so many boomers and Gen Xers complaining about people receiving benefits.

I would argue most parenting methods sound great on paper. Parents having the skills to adapt as need be is the issue. How we give parents the skills is also the issue? They are however skills needed in every day life and how as a community including skills people can have confidence, emotional regulation, mediation skills, etc etc is something we need to reflect on.

I hope the current review ordered re Southport will look at some of this. Sadly I am not holding my breath. We have struggled to parent our 2 who are adopted. Services have - in my opinion - empowered them, not us. I get them to CAMHS appointments for instance, they panick in the appointment don't engage - last one my daughter curled up in the chair and pulled her hood down - but apparently that's okay. They acknowledge she needs help. It would not be acceptable in any other medical discipline for the child to say FO and they discharge. Their job is to engage her but apparently we have to listen to the voice of the child.

Any technique is only as good as the way it's implemented. I think parents need to try what they are most comfortable with first as it's most likely to be successful. The truth is probalay that you need a little bit of a few for different scenarios and you need to be strong enough to follow the technique. As others have said gentle parenting is actually all about boundaries and sticking to them.

Exactly. When I was a teenage mum I had a hard time with HV. My lovely GP phoned her on one occasion when he disagreed with what she had told me and I heard him telling her to "leave my babies alone.". She never spoke to me again. He then said I was doing everything well and told me to remember I was the expert on my baby.

I've always tried to remember that if someone parents in a different way to me. They are the expert with that child.

Think this comment is bob and gave me a bit of a laugh at the same time - bravo poster

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

You are not alone OP. I have 3 boys, aged 34 18 and 17. Single parent. Yes I'm Gen X if that's relevant to anyone 🙄 They've all turned out absolutely fine, despite being given VERY firm boundaries and the occasional raised voice or a tap on the hand. I'm also a primary school teacher (private school, not in UK) and I have to say, the behaviour and entitlement of both children and parents gets worse every year. To the point where I question how much longer I can do a job I used to love. It's genuinely shocking, and I can't see it getting any better. Most of my colleagues (of different generations and with or without their own kids) say the same.

Totally agree. My friend’s daughter parented like this. Trying to reason with a tantruming toddler and trying to talk about how his tantrums were “upsetting mummy”!! Now he’s a total brat and no one can deal with him. He doesn’t have any issues, he has just never been taught boundaries and that bad behaviour has consequences. I don’t condone smacking children at all but you need to be their parent not their friend when they are growing up. Kids need boundaries and routine

Most of these examples are poor parenting not “gentle” parenting. My kids would never do those things. And we use the word no. In general I’m a yes parent but no has its place. Passive and bad parenting for most above examples.

Definitely! I’m not suggesting it as a solution, on the occasions where my son has refused to go to school/get dressed etc I have insisted- this has made him and me late (thankfully I have an understanding boss). I was merely commenting on not expecting a child to get changed outside.
The occasions I have seen it happen the child has been late precisely because the parent it insisting they get dressed and go to school so they’ve not been stood waiting at the gates. I am only speaking from what I’ve seen so I’m not saying it couldn’t happen that a child is stood at the gates in their pjs.

Or… tell me you don’t know what gentle parenting is - here’s a hint, it’s not never saying no. So even if they say it’s gentle parenting, it’s not, it’s permissive.

This would likely mean a pronged period of them kicking off or whinging about being in their pyjamas and wanting their clothes now whilst we're either walking to school or waiting for the gates to open. Not a pleasant thought for anyone's blood pressure.

I’ve always parented in a gentle manner. Not passively but gentle. Before gentle parenting became a thing as my oldest is almost an adult. I do not shout. I do not punish. I do not get upset when my children tantrum (only youngest now). Most adults can’t regulate their own feelings, how do we expect children to?
Gentle parenting for me is no shouting and no punishing but it’s also helping children to regulate their feelings. It’s a skill they have to learn that we must teach them. Punishment doesn’t teach regulation, it teaches shame and repression of feelings.

No rod for my back here, older teens are doing well in school and have lots of friends, they are settled and happy at home. They are self aware with awareness of others. Youngest is little still.

Agreed. And the world isn't going to bend to them when they start school.

There are lots of parents who misapply it - the whole point of gentle parenting is to set boundaries. For example, we didn't baby proof, we taught our kids to respect our things and their things. If my kid kicks off because they wanted no sauce on their pasta or fancied chocolate for breakfast, if I yell at them it makes them more upset or they laugh at it. If I give them a cuddle and ask what's it about, they tell me and either I resolve it (some plain pasta on the side), tell them off and give them an immediate consequence (no tv or no dummy) or explain why.

It's not perfect, no parenting is, but you just come off judgement of everyone trying to find their way. Yelling isn't nice for anyone

On the few occasions I’ve seen this happen no one expects the child to get changed outside, that would be a concern. Normally parent arrives with child in pjs via the office, a member of staff meets them, the parent passes over the uniform and the kid goes and gets themselves dressed as they realised they’re at school and want their uniform.

Well, I agree and I think impulse control starts a lot earlier than gentle parenting claims, but I’m honestly not sure how I’d respond to an eight year old kicking a dog intentionally (not just tripping or being careless.)