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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she should drop the single parent label in these circumstances?

254 replies

Ynhj · 21/01/2025 10:27

Before I say what I want to say it’s important that I make it really clear that I have huge respect for single parents. I can’t begin to imagine it all falling on you and nobody there to share the load. I’m not trying to minimise that here but I do feel with my sister it’s very different.

She works Monday to Thursday while her child is in nursery. She has Friday off with her child and then her ex collects on Saturday morning and spends the weekend doing what my sister says… if she wants to join then she does, if she wants to go out she does, if she wants to do zero parenting all weekend then that’s what happens. Anytime she needs her hair doing or nails or to meet a friend etc she can, whilst also having a full day a week with her toddler and enjoying the weeknights without the stress of being a SAHP. Her ex pays her loads and covers all the costs and more. She has openly admitted she uses the surplus half for their child’s savings and half for herself. In practice this means her food for the month or her hair and nails paid for.

In contrast I have two dc and don’t work. I have a very hands on dh but it’s rare I get two days of a weekend to do what I fancy. It does happen but it takes planning and certainly not every week! Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it, comparing herself to me when I am struggling with two and our situations are very different. AIBU to think she needs to stop talking about herself as a single parent? I think it’s insulting to actual single parents and to people like me who are struggling despite not being single because we don’t have the luxury of full weekends off parenting and nursery in the week!

OP posts:
Oldenpeculiar · 22/01/2025 22:01

Teasloth · 22/01/2025 21:08

I used to get accused of spending it on alcohol because I once bought a bottle of wine with the shopping which apparently if I could afford I didn't need maintenance money 🤦🤦😂

Oh haven't we all been there! Unless you're in sack cloth and ashes and eating gruel then you don't need maintenance.
Bypasses people that the maintenance is supposed to be 50% for each parent of the cost of the child regardless of if the mother has enough money to pay her contribution (and usually a lot more) and get her nails done or buy wine as well with her own earned income.

Teasloth · 22/01/2025 21:08

BarbaraHoward · 21/01/2025 16:40

🙄 she isn't. Maintenance payments go into the pot to run the house. Like many, income is greater than expenditure and so some is saved for the DC's future and some pays for luxuries.

"Single mother spends maintenance on getting her nails done" is such a misogynistic trope surely we know better.

I used to get accused of spending it on alcohol because I once bought a bottle of wine with the shopping which apparently if I could afford I didn't need maintenance money 🤦🤦😂

Teasloth · 22/01/2025 21:04

I am a lone parent and I am also single.

Wouldn't bother me at all her calling herself a single parent.

We all have our own struggles and it's hard to explain to someone how it feels to have to make every parenting decision alone and be financially dependable for everything.

That's what I find hard, but again, no one gets it unless they're in it so doesn't bother me at all what people call themselves.

It sounds like a bit of jealousy to me which is totally understandable. It'll probably be very different when her ex finally meets someone and suddenly isn't as dependable as usually happens.

I was also a little jealous of couples when I got no break when child was small. However... Now child is older I don't find it as hard and actively enjoy their company so am glad there isn't someone trying to take half my time away

I also have friends in marriages that sound harder work than being a lone parent so I'm also grateful for that 😁

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 22/01/2025 20:47

Split up with you husband and do the same if that's what you want ? Jealousy isn't a good look.

Gingernan · 22/01/2025 20:42

Of course she's a single parent, why quibble about it or be jealous? It sounds as if she is making a success of it, along with her ex ( who is also a single parent!)

anon666 · 22/01/2025 19:03

She's a single parent because she has split from her ex and is running a household single handed.

The definition of single parent doesn't mandate that her life is shitty.

I think what you mean is AIBU to envy my single parent sister whose life is better than mine.

NoSoupForU · 22/01/2025 18:10

You being jealous of your sister doesn't make her not be a single parent.

VBL · 22/01/2025 18:07

I really don’t understand why you care what she is called or not .
You sound really jealous and it’s a shame. She’s your sister. No mention of your niece or nephew either . Thank god that the child has two parents that get along as it’s sad enough growing up without both parents in the house.

Eenameenadeeka · 22/01/2025 07:02

What it is she's said to you about it that you've obviously felt so offended? I don't get seeing things in this weird competition of who has it harder, but I'm a SAHM and I see that as such a privilege, and I've never ever felt jealousy towards any of my friends who are single mothers.

If you have a hands on husband, you can get a break and take time for yourself anytime, you just need to ask him. I've never ever taken the entire weekend to myself since we had our children, because what we want and value is family time. Single Mums and their children dont get that. (The odd coffee with a friend or hair appointment sure but not a whole weekend off)

It's just really odd and sad to me that thinking not having your husband would be better. Your sister is doing 100% of the parenting more than 50% of the time, whereas married parents get to do 50% of the parenting 100% of the time, alongside the person you love. It's just not a competition but I definitely know which I'd choose!

TellTaleHeart14 · 21/01/2025 21:05

I don’t consider myself a single parent as my ex contributes financially and takes our child 2-3 nights a week. I only consider parents raising a child fully alone with no support a single parent. Though at the end of the day it’s just a label.

LazyArsedMagician · 21/01/2025 18:16

She is a single parent, she just has a good co-parenting situation set up.

If you're jealous, then change it. You're not forced to be a SAHM if you don't want.

Ohlawdnotagain · 21/01/2025 17:45

Too many posts are focusing on the shift work of parenting. OP's DSis does Mon - Fri then gets some "time off" at the weekend. Guess what? The parenting, mental load and grunt work of running a household as a SINGLE PERSON WITH DC (aka a Single Parent) exists both inside and outside of those hours.

Now try doing that with no DH/DP and none of the financial, practical, emotional, physical and every other type of support and security that a relationship or marriage brings.

Yes there are people trapped in bad marriages but for the most part and all things being equal, raising a child in a relationship with their dad as an intact family unit is a million times easier than not.

2024onwardsandup · 21/01/2025 17:44

Why don't you get a job and put your kids in nursery? Nothing stopping you. Presumably staying at home and not working is not an option for her like it is for you.

You've made your life choices OP. Sounds like you somehow think that means your somehow better than your sister

An insult to single parents is you putting yourself in the same category as them

FoxInTheForest · 21/01/2025 17:28

Single parent doesn't mean the other parent has to be absent. Single parents who aren't lone parents generally will have more free time than parents in a relationship (especially for mums in a lot of set ups).

BarbaraHoward · 21/01/2025 17:26

Tink3rbell30 · 21/01/2025 17:05

It doesn't say that, she's pocketing it for herself. Gross

She isn't. You can think of it as the maintenance payments paying to house the child and pay the bills and the mother's income going into savings if you prefer.

It seems the ex has the DC one night a week, damn straight he should be paying maintenance. The mum works four days and the dad works too, we have no idea of their jobs or incomes - I don't know why you think there shouldn't be any spare cash.

BunnyLake · 21/01/2025 17:26

denhaag · 21/01/2025 13:57

I don't think anyone would ever call a married person a single parent. It's just not correct.
You may well have been raising your children pretty much on your own, but you were (are?) still married.
I presume he contributed financially and even if you didn't see him, were in contact such that you could make decisions about your children?
Even people on space missions communicate with their loved ones.

I am by no means suggesting that thing were easy for you, but factually speaking you were not a single parent.

Please educate me then to what I was these last twenty odd years then? And no I am not married.

RaspberryBeretxx · 21/01/2025 17:20

She is a single parent. She would be incorrect to call herself a lone parent but she is single. She is being unreasonable to complain to you or compare the two of you or give advice though as your circumstances are just different. If she starts, I'd just change the subject "Yeah, we have pretty different circumstances... anyway, do you fancy a coffee?" or whatever.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 21/01/2025 17:17

I’ve read this before I’m sure I have?

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/01/2025 17:09

🙄

Tink3rbell30 · 21/01/2025 17:09

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/01/2025 17:07

Grow up

Nope I stand by it.

Boomer55 · 21/01/2025 17:08

sky1267 · 21/01/2025 12:46

I can’t believe this thread. You sound so nasty about her tbh. She is working to put food in her kid’s mouth. Working and sending her kid to nursery and a dad who looks after the kid a couple nights a week doesn’t mean she’s somehow not a single parent???

you chose not to work and are staying at home with your kids, you have a partner, none of this makes her not a single parent?

good on her for what she’s doing. You sound jealous that you can’t have weekends away from your kids

This. Two parents 24/7 should be easier than one parent, 🤷‍♀️

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/01/2025 17:07

Tink3rbell30 · 21/01/2025 17:05

It doesn't say that, she's pocketing it for herself. Gross

Grow up

Tink3rbell30 · 21/01/2025 17:05

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/01/2025 16:59

Are you really that stupid, it goes into the house hold pot. You know for food, nursery fees and everything else that comes with having a child.

It doesn't say that, she's pocketing it for herself. Gross

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/01/2025 16:59

Tink3rbell30 · 21/01/2025 16:13

Eww why is she pocketing the child's money 🤢

Are you really that stupid, it goes into the house hold pot. You know for food, nursery fees and everything else that comes with having a child.

BarbaraHoward · 21/01/2025 16:40

Tink3rbell30 · 21/01/2025 16:13

Eww why is she pocketing the child's money 🤢

🙄 she isn't. Maintenance payments go into the pot to run the house. Like many, income is greater than expenditure and so some is saved for the DC's future and some pays for luxuries.

"Single mother spends maintenance on getting her nails done" is such a misogynistic trope surely we know better.