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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

567 replies

bannsise · 21/01/2025 08:04

My DD is 22, her first name is Isabella, I chose the name as I love it and think it’s very pretty. Since she was little I’d always call her Isabella or Bella, her dad who I wasn’t with called her “Isa” (ee-sa).
As a teen she insisted I didn’t call her Bella, I happily just used Isabella.
Now she is insisting I call her Isa, she says she doesn’t like Isabella, no one apart from me has called her it in 10+ years. She also complains I say it wrong anyway (her dad is European and pronounces it ee-sa-bell-a, I say is-a-bell-a). I replied that I can’t say her name wrong as I picked it!!

AIBU to say I will continue to call her Isabella (with the English pronunciation) and not by Isa as that isn’t the name I chose for her and I don’t like it.

OP posts:
ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:49

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 15:44

Ahhh. So we're the only ones supposed to have eidetic memories then. That was some twisting and turning of what it means to have a reply deleted. 😉

Anyway, last I'm saying on the subject.

Zany said that I wrote something awful and then had it deleted. I did not. I would be perfectly happy for whatever reply MN deleted to be reinstated, because I've been careful about what I've written.

Oh! You did mean that Mumsnet deleted it. I read it that I "had" it deleted, as in that I requested the deletion.

mbosnz · 21/01/2025 15:47

Yeah, if MN deleted a message, it's either been complained about, or in their opinion without prompting, they found it egregious enough to make deleting a good idea. So, in your parlance, MN thinks you wrote something awful, and deleted it.

I think white people should perhaps have a bit of humility about thinking their observations and what their 'besties' tell them about their experiences of racism are, when they are talking about racism to a person of colour who is telling them what their own lived experience has been. I think that Zany has been fairly patient in the face of quite some provocation.

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 15:44

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:39

I didn't have that deleted, MN did, and this is the first I've seen of it. I don't even know what it was they deleted. I wish they would email telling us what it was they deleted. You made it sound as if I wrote something awful and then had it deleted, which I didn't.

I strongly disagree that Zany has been the more measured one out of the two of us. I also think it's wrong that white people aren't allowed to comment on the racism they see around them and how their observations differ between two very different countries without such nastiness. But anyway, I sense a pile-on, so I'm off!🏃‍♂️‍➡️

Ahhh. So we're the only ones supposed to have eidetic memories then. That was some twisting and turning of what it means to have a reply deleted. 😉

Anyway, last I'm saying on the subject.

Onlycoffee · 21/01/2025 15:42

bannsise · 21/01/2025 08:43

She doesn’t live in the uk, the pronunciations she uses are normal in the country she is in.

I think she's being awkward but you have to go along with her!
I have friends in Europe and they use the English pronunciation and sometimes even English version of their name when speaking with English speakers eg Johann (German) becomes John.

Apart from this, do you normally get along?

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:39

I didn't have that deleted, MN did, and this is the first I've seen of it. I don't even know what it was they deleted. I wish they would email telling us what it was they deleted. You made it sound as if I wrote something awful and then had it deleted, which I didn't.

I strongly disagree that Zany has been the more measured one out of the two of us. I also think it's wrong that white people aren't allowed to comment on the racism they see around them and how their observations differ between two very different countries without such nastiness. But anyway, I sense a pile-on, so I'm off!🏃‍♂️‍➡️

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 15:35

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:33

I did? So what was it? News to me!

If you cannot write out what it was, then you are just smearing me.

Write out what that comment was right now, or admit you're lying to make me look bad.

Sorry, do you think I've got an eidetic memory? Go and look back yourself; you'll see where you were deleted. And a screenshot had been provided by a PP of the deleted post.

I think you should back away from this thread and make a cup of tea. You're being extremely aggressive.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:33

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 15:31

You did have a comment deleted, back on the last page. And I can see why it was deleted, too.

I won't be debating with you either, a) because I won't derail, and b) because quite honestly I don't have the patience for the kind of argument you've been putting out. @ForZanyAquaViewer has been very calm and measured in her responses, I'd say.

I did? So what was it? News to me!

If you cannot write out what it was, then you are just smearing me.

Write out what that comment was right now, or admit you're lying to make me look bad.

takealettermsjones · 21/01/2025 15:33

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:27

Eh? I didn't have any comment deleted. If I edited, it was a typo or to be more clear. What awful comment did you read that I deleted? Tell me what it was. If you can't, then you're just smearing me to be awful.

Sorry, but you sounded like someone with very little knowledge of the US.

And I didn't call YOU bitter, I called your attitude towards ME bitter in this thread, which it is.

I'm not going to engage further, because you're just determined to be awful. I told you that I was telling you about my lived experience of many years in both these countries. That's all.

There's no need to be so nasty, there really isn't. You have no idea what someone else is going through.

Sorry to have upset you so much. FWIW, you've really upset me too, so you can call it even.

"ee-sa ... sounds pretentious and odd. It doesn't even sound like a real name"

"Eee-sa sounds like she's in her twat era"

"Reading comprehension is a valuable skill"

"Another one who can't read"

"Once again for the people in the cheap seats"

"There are remedial classes for adults who struggle with reading comprehension, you know"

"I've been around enough children to know when they're trying to press buttons"

"I don't know why you're being so horrible to me"!!!

Hmmm. I feel like there's an answer here, but I just can't put my finger on it...

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 15:32

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:27

Eh? I didn't have any comment deleted. If I edited, it was a typo or to be more clear. What awful comment did you read that I deleted? Tell me what it was. If you can't, then you're just smearing me to be awful.

Sorry, but you sounded like someone with very little knowledge of the US.

And I didn't call YOU bitter, I called your attitude towards ME bitter in this thread, which it is.

I'm not going to engage further, because you're just determined to be awful. I told you that I was telling you about my lived experience of many years in both these countries. That's all.

There's no need to be so nasty, there really isn't. You have no idea what someone else is going through.

Sorry to have upset you so much. FWIW, you've really upset me too, so you can call it even.

😆

To continue calling DD by the name I gave her
GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 15:31

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:27

Eh? I didn't have any comment deleted. If I edited, it was a typo or to be more clear. What awful comment did you read that I deleted? Tell me what it was. If you can't, then you're just smearing me to be awful.

Sorry, but you sounded like someone with very little knowledge of the US.

And I didn't call YOU bitter, I called your attitude towards ME bitter in this thread, which it is.

I'm not going to engage further, because you're just determined to be awful. I told you that I was telling you about my lived experience of many years in both these countries. That's all.

There's no need to be so nasty, there really isn't. You have no idea what someone else is going through.

Sorry to have upset you so much. FWIW, you've really upset me too, so you can call it even.

You did have a comment deleted, back on the last page. And I can see why it was deleted, too.

I won't be debating with you either, a) because I won't derail, and b) because quite honestly I don't have the patience for the kind of argument you've been putting out. @ForZanyAquaViewer has been very calm and measured in her responses, I'd say.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:27

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 15:21

You: ‘explains’ historical and systemic racism to Black person, says they clearly have no idea what they’re talking about/haven’t lived in X/weren’t in Y long enough. Calls them ‘bitter’. Paragraphs and paragraphs of detailed condescension. You even had one particularly awful comment deleted.

Also you: why are you being so mean to me? 🥹

Eh? I didn't have any comment deleted. If I edited, it was a typo or to be more clear. What awful comment did you read that I deleted? Tell me what it was. If you can't, then you're just smearing me to be awful.

Sorry, but you sounded like someone with very little knowledge of the US.

And I didn't call YOU bitter, I called your attitude towards ME bitter in this thread, which it is.

I'm not going to engage further, because you're just determined to be awful. I told you that I was telling you about my lived experience of many years in both these countries. That's all.

There's no need to be so nasty, there really isn't. You have no idea what someone else is going through.

Sorry to have upset you so much. FWIW, you've really upset me too, so you can call it even.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 15:25

rainbowunicorn · 21/01/2025 15:10

Why is it that no matter what a thread is about you get a couple of posters having an argument that is fuck all to do with the OP? Why don't they piss off and start their own thread? It puts people off actually contributing when there are a couple of people dominating the thread with their own issue.

This is a fair point. I’m going to stop contributing to the derail. Not much left to be said, anyway.

My apologies, OP.

sugarapplelane · 21/01/2025 15:23

I think your projecting your anger at your ex into your child.
Just go with what she wants to be called and stop making this about you.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:22

Over40Overdating · 21/01/2025 13:54

Oh the irony @ChicLilacSeal. it’s not my reading comprehension that’s in need of remedial support. As you seem to struggle with more than one para, I’ve repeated what I replied in the first thread.

I also don’t think that not identifying with a culture she was not raised in, which may have been forced on her negatively if OPs attitude is anything to go by, is twattish either.

If that is too difficult for you to decipher an answer in, in short NO.

Does that help?

Perhaps less time trying to call other people stupid and more on remedying your own quite clear issues would be best for you?

I totally agree that your italicised words do not make her twattish.

What makes her twattish is insulting her mother's nationality, and by extension, her mother. And you know that that's what I said.

I'm fully aware that you're trying to wind me up by purposely misunderstanding that. I've been around enough children to know when they're trying to press buttons. 🙄

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 15:21

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:11

I really don't know why you're being so horrible to me. I've observed some terrible racism in America but not as much in Britain, and I'm just telling you about that. Like I said, with the entire developed world apparently tilting to the right, perhaps the UK is worse now than it was when I left in 2007.

And my Black friends are absolutely not imaginary. My two besties and I are a threesome, one white (me), one Black (the former news anchor) and one Puerto Rican. We met at a personal-essay writing class in 2007. I have no idea why this is so difficult to believe.

I'm not going to ask you how long you lived in the US because you're being so awful to me that I don't trust you now to give an honest answer.

You: ‘explains’ historical and systemic racism to Black person, says they clearly have no idea what they’re talking about/haven’t lived in X/weren’t in Y long enough. Calls them ‘bitter’. Paragraphs and paragraphs of detailed condescension. You even had one particularly awful comment deleted.

Also you: why are you being so mean to me? 🥹

Strangered · 21/01/2025 15:15

I can’t imagine refusing to do this.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:12

rainbowunicorn · 21/01/2025 15:10

Why is it that no matter what a thread is about you get a couple of posters having an argument that is fuck all to do with the OP? Why don't they piss off and start their own thread? It puts people off actually contributing when there are a couple of people dominating the thread with their own issue.

Guess it's because conversations go off on different strands, much like IRL.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 15:11

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 15:00

I didn’t decline to say - you didn’t ask. You haven’t actually asked anything, you were too busy educating me about racism. I’m sure your imaginary Black friends really love learning from you, though. 😆

You’ll find that most Black people are ‘bitter’ about racism, and I will continue to mock your verbose whitesplaining. Judging by the responses you’re getting on this thread, the person who ‘doesn’t look very good’ is you.

And that is the last of your noxious ignorant word vomit that I’ll be reading.

I really don't know why you're being so horrible to me. I've observed some terrible racism in America but not as much in Britain, and I'm just telling you about that. Like I said, with the entire developed world apparently tilting to the right, perhaps the UK is worse now than it was when I left in 2007.

And my Black friends are absolutely not imaginary. My two besties and I are a threesome, one white (me), one Black (the former news anchor) and one Puerto Rican. We met at a personal-essay writing class in 2007. I have no idea why this is so difficult to believe.

I'm not going to ask you how long you lived in the US because you're being so awful to me that I don't trust you now to give an honest answer.

rainbowunicorn · 21/01/2025 15:10

Why is it that no matter what a thread is about you get a couple of posters having an argument that is fuck all to do with the OP? Why don't they piss off and start their own thread? It puts people off actually contributing when there are a couple of people dominating the thread with their own issue.

Lurkingandlearning · 21/01/2025 15:10

I understand how you feel. It ties in with that part of us that feels our children are always our little girl or boy. Even though we know once they are adults we have little say in their decisions. Rightly so.

You wouldn’t insist on calling anyone else a name they disliked, that would be nuts. I think you’re better off accepting this rather than causing a rift.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 15:00

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 14:51

Well, I'm sorry, but I do have Black friends in both places, having lived for years in London before I lived here. One of my American friends was a news anchor, and she got bullied out of her job...the other two white anchors were saying racist things about her on air, during night time slots, and she got to hear about it from the camera man. None of my non-white friends in London have ever experienced anything so egregious.

I'm not really a foreigner in America anymore; I have citizenship and have lived here 18 years.

I note you declined to say how long you lived in America or where. I bet you lived in NYC or DC for a few months or two years tops. You would know exactly what I'm talking about if you'd spent as long as 18 years somewhere like Mississippi.

You have your lived experience and I have mine. Your bitter and mocking attitude towards my observations is not making you look very good.

It's also pretty much accepted that America is a vastly more racist country than Western Europe. I mean, it's America is famously racist. Famously! Maybe the UK has become more racist since I left tho. Last time I lived there, the analog signal was still on.

I didn’t decline to say - you didn’t ask. You haven’t actually asked anything, you were too busy educating me about racism. I’m sure your imaginary Black friends really love learning from you, though. 😆

You’ll find that most Black people are ‘bitter’ about racism, and I will continue to mock your verbose whitesplaining. Judging by the responses you’re getting on this thread, the person who ‘doesn’t look very good’ is you.

And that is the last of your noxious ignorant word vomit that I’ll be reading.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 14:53

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 14:38

Thank you. She’s really really awful. And verbose with it.

I'm not really really awful. I'm telling you what I've observed from having had the privilege of knowing two countries extremely well.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 14:51

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 14:37

This is hilarious.

And I’m telling you what I know. And I have no idea why you’d assume I’m a ‘foreigner’ in the US (which is what you are, ironically). I must ‘not know it very well’ because I disagree with you? The caucasity! 🤣

’Your Black friends’. In both places. Right. 😆

I’m not engaging with more paras of you whitesplaining and arguing about racism with me. It’s genuinely not worth my energy, or that of any sane POC to try to explain anything to a white person who thinks they ‘know better’ than us about racism in places we’ve lived.

Well, I'm sorry, but I do have Black friends in both places, having lived for years in London before I lived here. One of my American friends was a news anchor, and she got bullied out of her job...the other two white anchors were saying racist things about her on air, during night time slots, and she got to hear about it from the camera man. None of my non-white friends in London have ever experienced anything so egregious.

I'm not really a foreigner in America anymore; I have citizenship and have lived here 18 years.

I note you declined to say how long you lived in America or where. I bet you lived in NYC or DC for a few months or two years tops. You would know exactly what I'm talking about if you'd spent as long as 18 years somewhere like Mississippi.

You have your lived experience and I have mine. Your bitter and mocking attitude towards my observations is not making you look very good.

It's also pretty much accepted that America is a vastly more racist country than Western Europe. I mean, it's America is famously racist. Famously! Maybe the UK has become more racist since I left tho. Last time I lived there, the analog signal was still on.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 14:38

MissDoubleU · 21/01/2025 14:03

Didn’t read all of this, didn’t need to. Minimising racism to a Black person and trying to other it “not as bad as other countries” is so deeply wrong on every level. Don’t try and intellectualise to minimise someone’s lived experience.

Thank you. She’s really really awful. And verbose with it.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is hilarious.

And I’m telling you what I know. And I have no idea why you’d assume I’m a ‘foreigner’ in the US (which is what you are, ironically). I must ‘not know it very well’ because I disagree with you? The caucasity! 🤣

’Your Black friends’. In both places. Right. 😆

I’m not engaging with more paras of you whitesplaining and arguing about racism with me. It’s genuinely not worth my energy, or that of any sane POC to try to explain anything to a white person who thinks they ‘know better’ than us about racism in places we’ve lived.

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