To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

My niece is called Elizabeth and my sister always insisted that her full name was to be used. It was our grandmother's name, and is also my middle name and I rather like it. (Ironically, Nan went by Bessie!) As soon as she could express an opinion she insisted on Liz and flat out refused to answer to anything else. You can't win this one!

It sounds like her dad is a nasty controlling arse. She sounds like a bit of a xenophobic wanker to be honest. Who tells their own mother they are ashamed of the nationality they share with them? . Shes half british no matter what she identifies as.

She doesn't respect that you gave up 16 years of your life raising her away from your support network and family so why should you respect her desire to have you speak like Captain Alberto Bertorelli? She seems like a chip of her dad's block.

Hopefully she'll grow up one day but probably not with a father like that.

It really does not have to be a big part of her. My father was a different nationality to me, but because he lived in the same country as me all my life, and because I have never lived in his home country, I do not think of myself as belonging to his home country culture in any significant way. I don't overtly reject it, it's just not particularly relevant or important to me.

YABU

Pick your battles.

Do you really want to damage your relationship with your daughter over how she would like to be referred to?

It is HER name. It is a very small thing you can do to show you love and respect your daughter’s autonomy and sense of self.

This thread immediately brought to mind the scene at the end of the second episode (I think) of Roots where the slave trainer is trying to make the latest purchase acknowledge the new name that they've given them. Basically they whip the shit out of them until they say it. (Admittedly the name they'd been given was Toby, which is a pretty shit name unless you're the tram from Thomas the Tank Engine.) Unless your daughter is your property she can decide her own name.

You are right about the daughter’s heritage, @ChicLilacSeal - but I’m not sure that is actually particularly relevant. This girl has a chosen name that she wants everyone to use, and doesn’t like the names her mum wants to use for her - and I think @bannsise should respect her dd’s choice of name.

As I said, when ds1 chose a nickname I didn’t like, I simply accepted his choice and used it, because his happiness mattered far more to me than my feelings about the name.

If her mother is British, then being British is a big part of her, whether she likes that fact or not. Sure, she's more Italian, having grown up there, but half her extended family and the very person who gave birth to her and raised her are British. I wonder if her rejection of her British side and her insult about British people (that she'd be embarrassed to be seen as British) are indicative of problems she has with her mother, probably something to do with the OP having gone back to Britain when her daughter was 16. Perhaps she feels as if Britain stole her mum from her/that Britain is more important than her.

Edit: Sorry, I just read that the daughter was at school in France 16-18. Makes more sense then why the OP came back to Britain at that point.

Well whose name - and whose life - is it, exactly?

I'd just follow it and call her 'eesa" as she wishes. It's her choice. I'd say no more about it. You might find she changes her preferences again at some point

I agree completely, @MissDoubleU. As I said yesterday, I have been through this from both sides - my mum refusing to use the shortened version of my name, because she'd chosen my name and liked it, and then ds1 choosing to use the shortened version of his name, which I didn't desperately like, but which I used because his happiness mattered more than my feelings. And now I am very well used to it, and happy with it.

You don’t have to understand. You also dont have to take it as some great personal insult. She’s 22. Just respect her, call her by the name she has repeatedly asked you call her by and at least try and mend the very obvious rift between you with some compassion. Without centring yourself.

Say it out loud, without putting on an accent. Eesa. Lord. It’s not fucking difficult.

AND - all the Italian/British/is it similar/is it not/is there an accent/is there not/but it would be better if it was iiiiii not oooo or eeeee ... all irrelevant.

She's within her rights to change her name completely if she wanted to. To nothing like the name she was born with. Be glad it's still connected.

So - my advice is don't call your daughter the name she doesn't like while in the kitchen OP. And know that she's seething over this.

Oh god this here too!!

I've just typed out that when my mother calls me by my birth name (she's the only one who does) it makes me want to hit her over the head with a fucking frying pan 😡

But i deleted it because it sounds a bit extreme .... it is indicative of the state of the relationship ...

But it's true! It does.
And now i've said it!

That's not the case with the OP's daughter so I am not sure how this is relevant.

She’s an Italian woman, living in Italy. She’s half British by blood, sure, but that doesn’t seem to be something she considers to be any meaningful part of her identity because for all intents and purposes, it isn’t.

Tbh I wonder if she’s rejecting Britishness so bluntly because she’s tired of her mother trying to force her to consider herself British. You may want her to connect with her British heritage, but that isn’t something you can force upon her. She’s Italian.

My sister went through a phase of calling me and referring to me by my full name , got really angry and offended by her. Names are so personal, I really was annoyed that she disrespected me by not using the shortened version that I have used throughout my adult life ..it’s rude !

YABU and risking your relationship with your daughter. She was born and raised in a country where her name is pronounced Ee-sa. What harm could it possibly cause you to call her that pronunciation? This is not the hill to die on! Refer to her however you like if she isn’t around but respect her choice.

If you worked with someone who had a name that could be pronounced in different ways would you use their preferred pronunciation? Of course you would, its basic respect.

I don't see why you wouldn't show the same respect to your daughter. She's a person in her own right, independent of you and her father and if you can't accept that I think you're going to have a very strained relationship with her.

Going against the grain, I can understand why using isa now would be weird for op.

I have a name with lots of nicknames. My real name is not Elizabeth but for example, my Grandad calls me Liz, mum calls me Elizabeth, friends call me Lizzy.. I'm 32 and at this point I'd never request for everyone to only use Liz when they're not used to it.

Lovely, your mams a dickhead just because she calls you by your long name. My sister Valerie, we all call her val except my mother who uses the full name, is she a dickhead, not at all. Feel sorry for your mam

Eh? It’s ice-a for the account, not eesa

Well thankfully you're not her daughter

It has a recent fascist past though, which is pretty embarrassing.

My parents are the only people who call me by my original name. I go by a nickname everywhere else, including work. The only time I use my full name is on legal paperwork. I haven’t really identified with my original name for decades. But my parents can’t think of me as anything but my original name so they still use it. I think there must be a generational difference here because I cannot imagine demanding my parents use my nickname. They gave me the name. They raised me. They are the whole reason I exist and am where I am today. But I’m nearly 50 maybe younger generations view things differently.

in your position I’d say it’s probably best to go along with the nickname as it’s not worth damaging your relationship with your daughter over. But from the other side, as the daughter, I would never dream of telling my parents what to call me. I would feel it was very rude and disrespectful. I’ve been very lucky to have wonderful parents. They can call me whatever they like because it is said with love.