To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

Here speaks the voice of reason. please stop with trying to control your adult child.

In short, I wouldn't. She's old enough to change it for good! ... And to resent you forever.

I understand why you're upset, because this sounds like it isn't so much about the name as your daughter preferring her father's way over yours. But I do think the more you protest the more you're going to make it an issue. Just call her Isa, and if it really rankles try just calling her "love" or "darling"

If your daughter was trans like mine it would be deadnaming to call them by their birth name. It’s hugely disrespectful anyhow. I’m f you love her call her what she asks to be called.

If it walks like a duck...

Thank you so much for the recommendations about Serbia!

Glad you got to visit Russia when young; sounds like you've had an interesting life.

It's a small thing to do really isn't it. I'd just accept it as her wish

For what it's worth, I knew an Isa pronounced Eesa at primary school. She was half Spanish and came to our school in the middle of what would now be called year 4, and she told everyone she would like to be called Eesa, so we called her Eesa. It wasn't hard to get used to. After all, Lisa is usually pronounced Leesa.

My two points, I suppose, are (1) I think you should always respect people's wishes re whether, and how, they like their names to be shortened, and (2) it's not "putting on a fake accent", it's just pronouncing her name the way she pronounces it. It's no different from pronouncing the name Sara the way that individual Sara likes it, when there are two possible pronunciations. I realise that it probably seems harder for you because you have in the past called her... what? Isa pronounced Izza? - but she is old enough to make that choice.

I do, and I did spend time there with them as a child (indeed, going back is very much off the cards currently). I didn’t feel their country was mine though, although I never felt that made them any less my relatives. I do think Russia is fascinating and I am curious about it, but that doesn’t come with feeling that I belong to it.

I do feel like an outsider, yes, but I don’t say that as a negative because it isn’t. I’m an outsider there in the same way I’m an outsider in Germany, or France. I didn’t grow up there, and as such I didn’t and don’t share with Russians those experiences of growing up in and being formed by Russia and Russian culture. Conversely, they didn’t and don’t view me as if I did, either.

I would absolutely recommend visiting Serbia. Belgrade is one of my favorite cities in the world. There’s the mountains of Zlatibor, the Austro-Hungarian city of Novi Sad in Vojvodina, the Ottoman city (and birthplace of Constantine the Great) of Nis... I used to visit it more when I lived in the UK, but I am aiming to go back once every year or two now. I would generally recommend all the former Yugoslav countries.

To circle back, when I was born it was Yugoslavia, but I don’t consider myself Yugoslavian. Identity and personal sense of it is complex.

Sorry op, but I think you’re being V unreasonable. You said you didn’t choose to raise your daughter in Italy, but you did. You just didn’t think about her being an Italian resident or you having to stay there when your relationship broke down after you’d chosen to gave her there - but that’s a side point (though is relevant since the pronunciation she is using links to where she is from, as opposed to where you are from).

Call her what you like, if you don’t follow her wishes I can guarantee it will negatively impact your relationship with her. I actually changed my name as my parents picked Shane they thought was lovely but it just wasn’t the right name for me. One of my parents embraced my new name & now thinks I suit it better than my other name. My other parent almost always calls me my old name, or double barrels the two. I’ll let you guess which one I speak to daily/ see weekly & which one I am barely in contact with.

@InterIgnis Sorry, I just saw that you feel like an outsider in Russia, so obvs you've been there.

Do you go back to Serbia much? Would you recommend it for a holiday?

Everyone's different, I guess. I feel I would be curious about a foreign parent's country, but maybe not. Do you have relatives in Russia? I know it's not like you can visit the place now that Putin's gone mad, but I went to St. Petersburg for two days on a cruise in 2005 and saw the palaces; they were amazing. I've always found Russia quite fascinating, due to its ballet and figure skating and literature and Faberge jewellery, and the palaces, and the fact they had such a brutal revolution that changed everyone's lives so thoroughly. Definitely worth a visit, IMHO, when there's not a madman running the joint!

I've seen photos of Serbia. It looks beautiful.

No grandparents as both my father’s parents died before he was 15 and yes, I have/had aunts, uncles and cousins but they are widely spread over the whole large country so I barely know most of them. I know the aunts, uncles and cousins of the country I live in far better.

I visit my brother regularly but he considers himself to be the same nationality as I am, and his wife is from another country again, so he and his family identify primarily with their home country cultures, rather than the culture of the country they live in.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · Yesterday 08:31
"She's an adult so she gets to dictate what she is called, it's her name and her identity not yours for goodness sake! I can't quite believe you've had to come onto the Internet to ask this!"

Agree with this and all the other comments saying she has the right to choose what she is called - she is her own person and if she was raised in Italy it is probably natural for her to use that pronunciation.
(Sadly since Brexit this is not the first time I've heard that Europeans don't think much of Britain - even if they do have their own problems too)

In her day to day life, it isn’t. It’s half of her ethnic makeup, but that doesn’t make it any meaningful part of her identity.

My parents are from two different countries, one is Russian and one is Serbian. I spent the majority of my childhood in Serbia, and I consider myself Serbian. While I recognize my Russian half and speak the language, it really isn’t a big part of me at all. I wasn’t raised there, and I’ve never lived ‘as a Russian’. In Russia, I am an outsider. As such I can well understand why OP’s daughter doesn’t consider Britain to be anything more than the place her mother’s from.

All those things that make you belong to the country and culture you were raised in, she did not establish with the UK. She lived as an Italian, in Italy, everyday. Her mother being British does not mean she formed any emotional connection to the UK, or ever considered it home. It’s a big part of her mother’s identity, and I can understand that OP wants it to be a big part of her daughter’s identity too (especially as she wanted to raise her daughter in the UK), but that isn’t something she has control over. Now, my parents never tried to make me feel X or Y about their respective countries, or consider myself a certain way, but I can well imagine that if they’d tried to make being one or the other some big part of my identity when I just wanted to get on with life where I was, and be who I was, that I would have become hostile to that.

I have suffered a “second hand” name all my life. I’d change it if I could. It was my older sister’s name but my parents changed it when she was a baby. They didn’t like it. Then I came along and was to be adopted by my aunt. Newly born, they didn’t have a name for me so, the story was that “we could call her “Going” 😐🤦‍♀️

Thats been it. All my life. It’s a 60’s name. Think Tracy, Susan, Debbie, Sharon. Not any of those but you get the picture.

There’s a reason for her wanting the change. Go with it.

Wow, are you so controlling about other preferences she has? You may have picked it, but it's HER name and you should respect her wishes

But didn't you have aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents in that country?

Perspective.

So very sorry for your loss 🌺

I have a longer first name and so have been known by a shortened version since I was tiny. Everyone calls me the short version.. work accounts all in my short name...but my mum will only call me the full name. It's so annoying but I've got used to it. But I do get frustrated when she says now.im 50 something I should use the more grown up name .urgh

I was known by Annie the moment I left home, at 18, but my parents never, ever referred to me as that but by my given name. Drove me nuts!! Just because you give a child the name doesn't mean they have to keep it!! Please do as she asks. It's not like she's asking you to call her Irene or the like

I hate to say this but I feel like people need to get some perspective sometimes. My DS was killed at the age of 22, 7 years ago, some days are still a battle for me to even get out of bed and go to work - but I do.
I look back on those wonderful years I had with him and am truly grateful that we never had such petty disagreements.
Look at the big picture, call her whatever she wants - just hug her and be grateful you can, you really never know when it can all be gone.

Just do it. It’s her name. It’s not like she wants to change it completely. Don’t fall out over this small thing.

FFS! You are one of those who cut people off for the least thing 🙄

@bannsise I’m afraid YABU. Your daughter is now an adult. You should respect her wish.

Sure sure, keep alienating and pissing off your daughter by ignoring her wishes over a really very simple matter.

That will do wonders for your continuing relationship.