To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

You can say Eesa in whatever natural accent you have, though? You’re being deliberately obtuse. You keep saying about the name you gave her. It appears part of why you’re choosing this hill to die on is because she favours this version based on her father, is that correct? Also you mention her distain for Britishness (perfectly reasonable, given the atrocities) and preference to distance herself from it. You seem to take this personally. In fact, your refusal to pronounce her name the way she likes and is used to after a lifetime in her own country will only exacerbate her feelings.

Your daughter is of another culture and you are refusing to pronounce her name the way that sounds and feels correct to her. No matter how much she says it’s upsetting to her, you prioritise your own preference. This will speak volumes to her.

When you call your child a name anything that can be shortened, you have to accept that it's likely to happen - especially if it can be pronounced differently too. I have a very traditional, regal English name and my mum HATES any shortened version - says it's common. But it's what I go by, even my work badge and email is in my shortened name.

Whilst I was called my full name by her growing up, she now respects that no one would know who she was talking about if she said that name in front of anyone, and therefore refers to me the same as everyone else. It's called being respectful.

YANBU. I think your daughter is being an immature welp.

Well, your choices are either to use your daughters pronunciation of her own name, or lose what remaining relationship you have with her. I know which one I'd go for.

For you it's deeper than just a name

Sorry OP but you're coming across as rather foolish here. You are mixing up two objections and this is making it clear that it's really not about the name at all, but some kind of power play.

Your two objections are a) it isn't the name you called her, and b) you feel silly pronouncing it in that way that you feel requires you to put on an accent.

My thoughts would be:

a) She's an adult, she gets to decide this, it isn't about you, so I would have a think about this and ask yourself if you would refuse to pronounce other adults' names the way they asked, e.g. a work colleague etc.

b) Eesa doesn't require you to put on an accent at all - if you think this is really the problem, then I would have to assume you also call plenty of other people a British pronunciation of a name that is used in other countries or said in other ways, even when they have told you how they pronounce it. Again, would you expect work colleagues to put up with you doing this? It's incredibly rude.

It's clearly not about the name, so I'd advise you not to make this the hill you decide to die on.

Depends if you want her to answer you…..

if that’s the hill you are willing to die on then you need to accept that she may not want to be around you for you to call her anything at all.

@Mary28 if anyone needs to cop on here it’s the people refusing to see that someone born in a country they have lived in their whole life asking to be called the name everyone else in that country calls them is perfectly reasonable.

The irony of calling OPs daughter immature for that when you have grown adults flinging insults because a little englander thinks a pronunciation difference is an affront to her motherhood and nationality.

@bannsise

forgot to add.

you are making it all about you (narcissism) when actually it is about your daughter PREFERENCES.

so I say, it s NOT about you.

But she's been called this name her entire life, in the usual pronunciation of the country she grew up in and still lives in! It's OP who's being difficult.

@ChicLilacSeal I can read perfectly well. And I repeat that the daughter is not the one being a twat here.

The cheap seats appear to be fully occupied by people proving why someone might not want to identify with Britishness.

OP you are being very unreasonable. My children were born in my home country, and I used that pronunciation of their names in that country. When we moved back to the UK I eventually ended up swapping to the more UK way of pronouncing their names (names which work both in the UK and continental Europe), I guess, just by habit and years passing by. Sure it at times makes me a little sad thinking about it but it's really not a big deal.

You're really risking alienating your daughter from you by going against her wishes.

It's her name. Not yours. Just because you gave it to her as a baby doesn't give you any rights to her name over her as an adult.

I think your daughter should cop on to herself but you can't say anything to people these days. I would probably call her Eesa or whatever she wanted to keep the peace but really I think she should cop on to herself a bit. What you want to be and what you are, are not always the same thing and a bit of a reality check isn't a bad thing from one person in your life!
Anyway I'm with you on this but if my child was so immature that she couldn't handle her own perfectly fine name, and I thought my relationship with her was at risk, then I'd call her what she wanted and silently hope for maturity down the line.

My 10-year-old daughter also prefers a nickname to the name she was given at birth. Even though I adore her birth name, I call her by the name she feels fits her best.

Don’t be a twat to your daughter.

It's not a fake accent. Do you, for instance, pronounce "Charlotte" with a hard "Ch" (as in the English Charles} or with a "Sh" at the beginning, which is the French pronunciation of "Ch"? How about Francesca - do you use the English pronunciation of Fran-sis- ka or the Italian one of Fran-chess-ka? Would you say the French Marg-oh or the English Mar-gott for Margot?

If, say you had an Italian friend called Isabella, would you feel it was fake to use the Italian pronunciation?

If she has always lived in Italy and you lived there until she was 16, then didn't you constantly hear people calling her "Isabella" and "Bella" using the Italian rather than the English pronunciation when she was a child? I don't think you're wrong to pronounce Isabella the way you do, but if her father pronounces it differently AND most of her friends, neighbors, teachers, etc. did the same then it's understandable that she'd come to pronounce it, and its short form Isa, the local way rather than your way.

I'd approach it as if she had completely changed her name. If you really dislike the new name, is there some other nickname you could use that she wouldn't mind? Or can you just treat Isa (pronounced EE-sa) like it's a stand-alone name, and not a shortening of a wrong-to-you pronunciation of Isabella - like people get Kate from Katherine or Meg from Margaret even though it's not a straightforward abbreviation?

I'd also try to separate out the practical (what do you address her as) from the emotional. Do you really inherently dislike Isa, or is it that (1) she's rejected the name you picked and love and/or (2) you still have negative feelings about her father and don't like the fact that she's picked "his" name for her?

If I was your daughter I would legally change my name. She would be perfectly entitled to do so. It’s HER name, not yours. Just because you gave a gift doesn’t entitle the receiver to like it, use it, or keep it. She is not your pet. You literally do not have a say how she is known as an adult.

You should absolutely respect her and call her how she wishes. Be grateful she isn’t dropping her name altogether for something she favours. I’d imagine your hard time over Ees/Is would feel a lot more silly if she told you to start calling her Jacqueline or Bernadette.

As someone who changed her first name by deed poll with the full support of my parents and siblings; my stance is anyone who called me by my birth name deliberately wouldn't get to do it for long because I would just stop seeing them.

She has asked you to call her by a name her Dad uses and I wonder if that is the reason you are standing strong on this. It makes perfect sense to call her Ee-sa. She won't want to hear Isabella so she might just distance herself from you.

I was unsure about this at first. But after reading your update that she grew up in Italy and wants her name pronounced the Italian way, is a fully grown adult, then I think YABU. You have to respect that your daughter is her own person, you don't own her so you don't get to decide what she's called. You sound a bit deliberately antagonistic.

@bannsise

I am always baffled by the selfishness of some parents…

i mean any loving (unconditionnally), supporting and caring parent would of course respect the wishes of their adult child.

we want to resilient, opinionated and independant children with self confidence to tackle the world, it STARTS at home. Let them find their voice and use it.

we parents have to listen, you may not understand. You may not accept. But we have to respect it.

Tell her of course you will do your best to respect her choice but if you get it wrong can she give you a little leeway as you aren’t trying to disrespect her it is just a hard habit to break. I do think maybe there is something deeper that you both need to look at in your relationship if she’s getting this angry with you over a simple name pronunciation.

I agree. Call your daughter what she wants to be called.

Another one who can't read! I referred to her insulting her mother's nationality as being twat-ish. Nothing to do with her name.

And insulting the very essence of your own mother by saying that you'd be embarrassed to be the same nationality as her is REALLY twattish behaviour.

Once again for the people in the cheap seats: It's the INSULT that's twattish, not her chosen name!

What complete nonsense.

The OP's daughter did not grow up in the UK and does not consider herself British. The pronunciation she uses is the normal pronunciation where she lives.