To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

I feel really strongly about this.

When I was a teenager I asked my family to call me by a shortened version of my name. I hated my name and didn't feel it reflected who I was.

My parents not only refused but scoffed at me. Despite calling my sister by the shortened version of her name as she had asked them to do.

It was just one of the ways my parents treated me differently to my siblings and one of the ways they emphasised my feelings and opinion didn't matter to them.That I didn't matter.

So yes OP I think you very much should call your daughter by the name she wants to be called: the name she feels best reflects her personality and her sense of self.

No, it’s your daughter’s name, she gets to say how and if it is used. Essentially you ‘gift’ them their name at birth and ti becomes theirs to do what they wish with thereafter. It’s galling - my DD has a gorgeous birth name which she rejected entirely for an ungendered off name that I, frankly, loathe. But it’s her choice, so I use the name she asked for, even though it took months and months to remember and I still occasionally slip up when tired.

Exactly, fully agree. Oh, I - your MOTHER - who gave BIRTH to you gave you this name, so suck it up, whether you like it or not. Just...weird.

Incidentally, my own DD doesn't like the name I gave her. It's a Swedish name. She plans to change it in the future. She's a bit on the younger side now and might change her mind, but if she doesn't and will change it to whatever she likes - I have zero issues with that. People have different tastes and she's not a dog for me to name, she can choose herself.

My dad named me and luckily I do like my name. I know my mum's version and I hate it. I would have definitely changed that, if she would have won.

I personally dislike Isabella, a very traditionally girly, Disney princess name and also would like to shorten it into something more mature and unisex, so don't blame the daughter at all.

She's a 22 year old Italian woman who has lived in Italy all her life. Of course she uses the Italian pronunciation of her name and the shortened version. As will everyone that she comes into contact with.

I would prioritise your daughter’s feelings and call her the name she likes and is comfortable with.

I think calling people by a name they have asked you not to call them makes you disrespectful and a bit of a tw@t if I am honest.

Sorry you need to respect her wishes, do you not like it because your ex chose that nn? If so get over yourself otherwise you will damage your relationship with your daughter.
My dd is Imogen and we used the nn Immy until age 5 when she said she didn’t like it, we respected her wishes. She uses a completely different nn these days which is an unusual variant of her name.

It doesn’t sound like she’s asking you to put on a fake accent. She’s asking for a different pronunciation. I have a friend called Matthew and he prefers (because he spent his childhood in France) the pronunciation that sounds like Matt-chew rather than the more English Math-You.

Regardless, you asked if you are being unreasonable and the vast majority say you are. Why wouldn’t you want to make your daughter happy by doing such a small thing?

Yup. It’s very clear that the relationship with her DD is strained

OP said her DD went to boarding school when she moved to the UK as by that point it “didn’t matter where she (OP) lived”

If my relationship with my DD was so strained across seas I would absolutely do everything in my power to mend it and address her in a way that made her happy. I certainly wouldn’t be fighting an arbitrary power struggle to assert what little dominance I felt I still had over a 22 year old. No wonder it’s strained.

I ask this as reasonably as I can but I wonder why you posted in AIBU. The majority of people (88%) have said you are BU and have told you why, but you are insisting that you still want to say the Anglicised version of her name, even though she has never lived in the UK.

Posters aren’t going to change your mind, so you wanted validation of your thinking, rather than an opinion on whether you were BU.

'made no difference'. To you. Maybe it did to her. There is a lot more going on here than just her name.

@bannsise

Can I ask what your aim is in refusing to use the name that she wants? What’s your goal?

Are you keen to highlight her British heritage? Is it about respecting your authority as her mother? Do you wish to annoy your ex partner? Perhaps you want to lessen the Italian influence? Are any of these reasons more important than your relationship with her? Because that is what’s at risk.

Insisting on calling her a name she doesn’t like seems rather stubborn and counterintuitive. You risk alienating her and damaging your relationship as a consequence. If that’s a risk you’re willing to take, carry on, but if actually you love her and want her to love you back, you need to respect her as a person, and respect her choices.

I have a name that is frequently pronounced differently in Europe.
My whole life my name has been said in shortened ways and with a different accent.
It never occurs to me to be rude to nice people over their accent.

Did you miss the part where the OP says her DD was born and raised in Italy and lives in Italy the pronunciation is how it's pronounced for her entire life. It's her mother that's refusing to acknowledge that because she now lives in the UK having left her DD at the first opportunity as soon as she turned 16

Then she's entirely reasonable in wanting her name to be pronounced the way that everyone around her (but you) pronounces it.
She's grown up in that country, presumably speaking that language. So she'll pronounce her name that way, naturally.

Your daughter gets to choose the pronunciation and shortening, not you. YABU - respect her wishes.

You have her name to her and it's her name now. She can choose how it's pronounced or shortened. You don't like it shorted and she doesn't like how you say her name. This is a You problem. Don't let this be the reason your relationship is affected there are bigger things on the horizon. I'm sure you will want to get to know your grandchildren when/if she has kids of her own. Just respect her wishes.

It’s not a ‘fake accent’, it’s just the correct pronunciation of the name in the country and culture that the child lives in.

OP use the example of the South American George, pronounced hor-hay, would you just ignore that and say George because he's in England?
Your DD lives in Italy, that is how her name is pronounced; where she lives and where you left her.
You come across as incredibly selfish and insensitive.

Her Dad has apparently had full time care of the child from 16 as her mum moved countries.

Exactly. And it's annoying how many beautiful names are ruined by the apparently irresistible human urge to shorten them. I love the names Elizabeth, Victoria, Margaret, Francesca, and Julia, but they'd be Lizzy, Vicky, Peggy, Frannie, and Jules, which don't have quite the same ring!

It irritates the hell out of me that my mother insists on calling me by my full name, and also my daughter, we far prefer the abbreviated one. It's so rude. If a person makes a preference known for what they want to be called, why the hell wouldn't you use that, regardless of who you are? Why would you think that what you want to call them is more important than what they wish to be called?! It just seems so bloody arrogant to me!

This. She’s not asking you to put on a pseudo Jamaican road-man accent - it’s just a slightly different pronunciation.

Sounds like this is more than just the name and more about her background/father’s culture etc. You really do risk completely alienating her over your own resentments.