To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

I am sorry that you are in this situation - there is clearly a lot of emotion involved about where she was brought up, her language, the pronunciation of her name etc. She has grown up in Italy, with the name Isabella and she pronounces her name the Italian way - which she has been surrounded by, her entire life...

I get that you choose Isabella with its English pronunciation and have always called her that - it is not straightforward and I can see both sides.... but you gave her that name - it is not yours... I think you should respect her wishes... painful as it is for you...

What is important is your relationship with your daughter not the pronunciation of her name

This sounds very controlling. Your daughter isn't your property, you don't get to call her whatever you want to call her.

They're not valid if she doesn’t want it pronounced that way.

What is difficult about saying eesa?

Interesting, my daughter is 10, has a European dad but lives in this country and has a name that works in either but pronounced slightly differently. I am from part of the uk with a very strong regional accent as well. My daughter sometimes asks my husband to call her her name as I say it...but she is effectively asking him to change his accent which is not very nice.

A pp said you could call her 'ee' sa as its a sound you can say. Yes you can but it feels weird ans unnatural when you can see the sound in your head, like you're putting on a fake Italian accent, which feels like you're taking the piss.

I would talk to her about this. Say your will call her Isa. Explain why it's difficult for you to call her eesa and why, and it's feeling a bit like she is shaming you for your British accent. But stress that if she really wants you to then you will try although it makes you feel uncomfortable. I think that's all you can do. It doesn't matter that you chose her original name. She might go back to it one day.

As an aside I have come across a couple of people who insisted that people pronounce their name, in their (other countries) accent. It felt so uncomfortable and like I was taking the piss amd doing a bad impression of their accent. And although I don't like how the majority of English people pronounce my name, and its very different to how I'd pronounce my name in my accent, there is no way I'd be asking them to try and copy it. It's very difficult to make sounds that aren't sounds in your native language (which isn't the case for you with 'ee').

Your DC has made a choice as to what she prefers to be called, and I think you should respect that, with the emphasis not on the name, but the respect.
She's still your daughter, no matter what name she goes by, and you must accept that OP.

I see. So I'd assume if your DH met an English Charlotte, he wouldn't pronounce her name as she asked? Or if you met a French Charlotte you'd pronounce it the English way?

I mean, you can keep saying this sort of thing, but at the end of the day it's personal preference. It would be extremely rude to deliberately mispronounce someone's name when you've been told the right way to say it.

I think you should respect what she wants!

Btw, I love my name now. It’s unique for my age and not being pressured to just accept it gave me enough space to appreciate it.

I hated my full name as a teenager. It was a name from my parents’ era rather than mine. Think Carol or Sharon when all of your peers are Beckys, Lauras or Sophies. I chose to go by a short version of my name however my two best friends refused to adopt it as they didn’t feel it suited me and that it was weird. Everyone else who I asked, did.

I look back now and it is a comment on my friends’ love and attitude toward me. I asked them to stop doing something that made me uncomfortable/ sad. They refused, putting a mild inconvenience for them over my feelings. That is what I remember now. That what I wanted was unimportant to them.

I understand that you love the name Isabella and that is why you chose it for her. That choice was yours. You don’t, however have continuing ownership over her name. It is her name and you pronounce it differently to everyone she knows. You are making her unhappy in persisting to make a small change to what you call her. You are telling her that your wishes are more important than what she has chosen as her name. So what if you chose that- you chose it for a baby and she is now a full grown adult who you do not own or control. You got to call her that name all of her life until now.

It is a beautiful name and I understand why you chose it and love it and that it hurts now that she doesn’t want to use it. Decide what is more important: your pride and a weird fixation that a decision you made decades ago is the only correct one or your relationship with your daughter and her feelings.

She is saying ‘This makes me uncomfortable/ unhappy. Here is how you can help’. You are saying ‘No. My hurt feelings are more important.’

She wants more of an adult relationship with you, and for you to respect her choices. Most of Europe (Romance, Germanic, Slavic languages) pronounces it as eessa/eezza, English is the outlier! Concede for now, she might change her mind in 5-10 years. Especially if she's going to live more internationally rather than sticking to southern Europe. I'm someone with a 'difficult' name with different pronunciations. You learn to love them all as you make friends from around the world.

Can imagine that she's in denial about her British side - it's still the embarrassing Brexit cousin to a lot of Europe... Sounds like she doesn't have dual citizenship?

This isn't the hill to die on, OP.

She's an adult, let her go by whichever name she chooses. It's not up to you.

why should they?

My daughter is called Evelyn. She decided when she was about 12 that she wanted to be called Adrastus. So we called her that. Now she's back to Evelyn at her request (now 16). It's really about respect for your child.

It's impressive how, even though it's the daughter's choice to want her mother to call her by the name that every single other person uses, it's still a man's fault!

The pronunciations are completely different. The "ch" is the same, but the "a" is pronounced differently, the "r" is different. The "l" is the same" but the "o" different, and usually the "t" is different too, as some British people pronounce the "t" with a glottal stop and some don't. And the stress is on the first syllable in English, and the second syllable in French. Completely different, and yes, it would sound ridiculous.

@bannsise This is about your ex. I get it. But please call your daughter what she wants, as it will only cause you more issues x

I go by a shortening of my given name and my Mum and even my Granny respected it. I think YABU

It doesn't have the extremely deep-seated racism that America has

Are you white? As a Black person who has lived in both places, I’m afraid this is nonsense. Racism manifests itself in different ways in the U.K., but is very much present, systemic and horrific. As is amply illustrated every time there’s a thread about race on here.

But that's only one person, and someone she presumably isn't that close to given she went back to the UK at the first opportunity.

I do see what you're saying in regard to the names. What I'm trying to express is it isn't "putting on an accent" as OP claims to pronounce a name correctly. I still sound Irish when I call my family by their names. DH still sounds Norwegian when he says mine. OP isn't being asked to adopt a full on Italian accent - just to make an "ee" sound and not an "i". Her saying it's putting on an accent just sounds like an excuse; if she can say "Lisa" she can say "ee-sa".

It probably does hurt a bit. But kicking up a fuss like this is making a mountain out if a molehill, and she really risks alienating her daughter further. There are some battles not worth fighting.

My grandmother was Izabella, but always preferred "Iza" (pronounced "eeza") and hated "Bella"

ee-sa can be said without an accent?

isa, issa, eissa, are all said in the same way from different cultures. pretending you have to do an italian accent to say them is ridiculous and obviously just an excuse to be rude.

If someone tells you how to pronounce their name, you do it? outside of a speech impediment etc it is recognised universally as rude behaviour.

Im astounded at the vitriol you have had here. Its clear the dad has been controlling and asserting dominance in your co-parenting relationship all along & this name change is just another manifestation of that. He has continually undermined your authority with your daughter & your wishes removed, taking it all for himself & this has been normalised for her. I can imagine everytime you are ordered, not asked, to call her by the name he has given her it will remind you that he has taken even her name choice from you. This is classic DARVO. The daughter is mirroring his lack of empathy for your position. My advice is to take your power back by choosing your own loving nickname for her & calling her that. My mum calls me Flower.

I had a similar issue with my mum, @bannsise - I grew up using the full name she had chosen for me, but as an adult, I decided I wanted to shorten it, and my mum hated it - she made that very clear to me - and for years she refused to use the shortened name I had chosen. It wasn't the only thing in our relationship that caused me to pull away from her, but to me, it was symptomatic of her lack of respect for me or my feelings, and it did colour my feelings towards her.

Your daughter has chosen a shortened version of her name that she loves, and that she feels is right for her - and by refusing to use it, you are telling her that you don't respect her choices or feelings.

I also had this with my eldest son - we gave him the same name as his grandfather, and throughout his childhood, we used the long version of his name, partly because his grandfather used the shortened version, so it made life a bit easier, but also partly because we preferred the long version. Once he got to his teens, he decided he wanted to be called by the shortened version, and I accepted that, and I use the shortened form of his name he has chosen. It wasn't easy changing the habits of years, and I was a bit sad that he'd chosen the shortened form that I didn't like - but that was MY issue, not his, and I never made him feel bad for his choice.

Do you want to risk pushing your daughter away? Is using her full name more important for you than a good relationship with her?

Her mother uses the English form and always has. I think that’s quite a big influence.

The difference with Norwegian or Irish names is that there is often no alternative version. Sometimes there is, and I don’t know the names you mean, but if your name is Sadhbh, for example, there won’t be a British version or an Italian version. So I think it’s a different type of situation really.

I do think OP should try and use the version her daughter wants for the sake of their relationship, but I see why she’s hurt. It feels like a rejection.