To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

She’s not asking you to call her Mary Poppins - why is it so hard to just respect her preference?

There seem to be two underlying issues here. One is that she wants to be known by a name that her dad chose in his accent, and this makes you feel like you have lost because of your history with the man. You’re trying to make some kind of point and assert dominance over her and her father by insisting on calling her Isabella. The other is that you are under the mistaken impression that you own your daughter. Just because you picked her name nearly 20 years ago, you seem to believe that gives you the right to call her whatever you want now and forever. You do not own her and you do not have permanent, irrevocable, indefinitely renewed naming rights.

My daughter is 11. I named her Margaret because I love it. She doesn’t love it, at all. She only likes Maggie.

I call her Maggie.

Our daughter's given name is Cassandra. From a young age she was consistently called Cassie. At 15, she declared she wished to be known as "Cass". She even asked her school to change her "preferred name" on the school database.

So guess what? We now call her Cass.

OP, as you say, you gave her the name. You didn't loan it to her (and still own it), you gave it, like a gift. And when you give a gift, you don't control how the recipient uses it. Her name is hers to do with as she wishes - use it, adapt it, get rid of it entirely for another name, it's her choice.

yup. anyone who can say easy or evil can say Eesa. Its just a long e sound

I’d respect her wishes on this one

Is this really so bad? It’s an Italian name and like in many languages the I is pronounced ee.

Keep doing whatever you want. You clearly don’t care about anyone else or their feelings. It’s all about you.

You’re going to suffer though when she starts to exclude you from her life.

It may seem a bit over the top to you, @Casperroonie - but my mum’s refusal to call me by the shortening of my name that I preferred was symptomatic of her inability to listen to me and to respect me, and that did affect my relationship with her. It wasn’t the only factor or the biggest one, but it definitely had an effect.

My relationship with her was distant for years, and when she passed away a couple of years ago, my feelings towards her didn’t really change. I was sad, but not devastated.

Basically telling your child “I get to decide what you are called - my opinion about your name matters more than your feelings or preferences” - how on Earth can anyone think that will be good for the parent-child relationship?

This is such an over the top comment 🤣🤣

My mum who has European name Izabela - pronounced exactly the same as your ex prounace it, insisit on only be called Iza (as in eeza). She will simply ignore you if you say anything else.

So I'm afraid you just have to live with it Isa from now on 🙃 as it's her name and her choice.

I think your daughter is clumsily trying to express a desire to feel understood and respected as an adult. “Isa” represents how she identifies herself now. Recognising this doesn’t mean rejecting the name you chose or the special meaning it holds for you—it’s about honouring who she is at this stage in her life.
You might say:
"I understand that you feel strongly about being called Isa. It’s important to me that you feel comfortable and respected, even if this is a big change for me."

It’s okay to share YOUR feelings, but frame it in a way that focuses on your love and attachment to the name you chose. Emphasise that your intention isn’t to hurt or dismiss HER wishes.

For example:
"When I chose your name, it felt perfect and special. I’ve always loved saying Isabella because it reminds me of how beautiful and unique you are. That’s why it’s hard for me to let go of saying it the way I always have.

Maybe suggest a compromise as this will show her you’re making an effort while also staying true to your feelings. For example:

Suggest calling her “Isa” in situations where she’s most sensitive about it (e.g., in public or with friends).
Keep using “Isabella” occasionally in more intimate, family moments, with her understanding that it comes from a place of love.
You might say:
"I want to honour your preference for Isa, but I hope you can understand that I sometimes want to use Isabella, especially when it’s just the two of us, because it means so much to me. Can we meet halfway?"

The big question for you, as her Mum is if holding onto “Isabella” is worth risking tension in your relationship. As much as names carry emotional weight, they are ultimately about communication and connection. Prioritising your daughter’s feelings in this matter could strengthen your bond in the long run.

If she still feels strongly that your English pronunciation of “Isabella” bothers her, consider practicing the European “ee-sa-bell-a.” It might feel awkward initially, but this compromise could ease the tension while allowing you to keep using the name you love.

While you’re not unreasonable to feel attached to the name and pronunciation, it’s also essential to recognise that your daughter has grown into her own person, with her own preferences. Adapting to this change—at least in part—could pave the way for a more harmonious relationship. In the end, showing flexibility and empathy might be more important than the name itself.

Just be thankful she doesn’t want to be called Isaac! Or even Eezac!

Her name was a gift, not a loan. We all get to choose how we are addressed.

If she changed it to Jane, would you still insist on calling her Isabella?

You might have chosen the name but she’s told you what she wants to be called. You should listen to her. She might one day change back

Also her dad saying her name with an accent…ok 🤔 She’s 50% his, even if he didn’t choose the name.

Ultimately it’s up to you to decide, but this isn’t a hill I would want to die on, I’d just call her Isa (which sounds lovely).

You should respect her wishes. My daughter changed her name to a boy name for.year or so, and she has gone by a shortened version of her 3 syllable name since age 11. It took me a little while to get used to it and I slipped up for a while but I never call her the full name and neither does anyone else.

You gave her the name, it’s hers now and she can do what she likes with it.

Do you disrespect her choices in other areas too?

I actually find this a really tough one. I have an adult child who I use their full name, all their friends use a shortened name - thankfully they don't mind me using their full name. How would I feel if they asked me to use the short name? I wouldn't like to as I don't like the name and its not the name I gave them. But also on the other hand I have a full name which I'm never called, always a shortened version. If my mother wanted to use my full name all the time I personally wouldn't be too fussed as she's my mother and she gave me that name. I would be annoyed if everyone called me it as I don't feel anyone other than my parents would have that right. So, i'm torn - but i'm swaying more towards she should allow you to use the name you gave her - which I fully understand goes against the MN grain!!

I legally changed my name to a shortened version, so no one can argue "but your name is...". Not on my passport, it isn't.

You never know, if you keep pushing the issue she may do the same. Very hard to argue that her name is Isabella once her official documents say otherwise.

Think of her as Isabella, just call her Isa /Eesa , it's how she wants be known & really not worth falling out over .

Even if she decided she wanted to be called Ermentrude I think you should call her that personally. Are you sure you aren’t just miffed because her dad is winning the name game?

Completely unreasonable, just like the teacher who refused to call my daughter by her preferred shortening (very standard name, recognised shortening, think Beth rather than Elizabeth) because she didn't like it. After several polite requests, I advised my daughter to just not respond to the teacher when she called her by her full name, which quickly acheived the desired outcome. I wouod advise your daughter to do the same, not respond to you until you use her preferred name. It's her name after all, not yours!

My Mum is the only person to call me by my full name. I'd feel aweful asking her to stop.

I don't think she'd like that either. She wants to be called by the name she wants to be called by.