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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex husbands demands

231 replies

lespameo · 20/01/2025 21:40

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Burntt · 21/01/2025 10:50

Sounds like my ex. Be prepared for him to cancel that weekend last minute and fuck yo your plans. I think a certain type of men get a kick out of that

Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 10:20

@Snoopdoggydog123 I've heard this too! It's really sad because my children want to see him more than EOW and he refuses. We don't co parent. He has no involvement in the day to day bringing up of our children, he just babysits them for 36 hours once a fortnight: pathetic.

I think I'd be more than happy to share the driving if he was spending more time with them, but the fact he dictates to me that I spend MY time commuting so he can see HIS children is wrong. He chose to move, he should make the effort.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 21/01/2025 10:06

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 07:28

@lespameo The parent who moved is the one who does the travelling. You've been extremely generous meeting him halfway. The court would agree. I know what it's like dealing with these absolute buffoons who thinks the world revolves around them. I presume he'd punish the kids if you put your foot down?

The court wouldn't agree.
More and more regardless of who moved courts are creating orders where travel is shared.

CheekyHobson · 21/01/2025 07:47

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day.

@user1492757084

lol that’s really not how it works with these guys.

You can try to play nice in order to keep things running smoothly and avoid him punishing you or the kids for any perceived lack of co-operation.

Yet if you make the mistake of thinking doing favours works reciprocally you will be very disappointed.

Trust me, I have a lot of experience with this one. I used to bend over backwards to be a good co-parent (and avoid my ex’s sulks) but when I asked for a favour in the days after my father died, he couldn’t get off his ass to help, despite having said just a day or two earlier (posturing in front of others) that I should just ask if I needed anything at all.

These days he just gets an automatic fake-sorry denial of service, as for some reason he continued to ask for favours regularly despite me no longer playing ball.

username299 · 21/01/2025 07:40

I'm not too sure what's going on here. Why are you getting into arguments with your ex? You're still having a relationship with him.

"I have plans that weekend, you'll have to find alternative arrangements." Ignore any further messages.

I would block him on everything and use a co-parenting app. It saves all communication should this end up in court.

I wouldn't be bending over backwards to facilitate his time with the children.

SinnerBoy · 21/01/2025 07:37

user1492757084 · Today

You might need a favour of him one day.

She probably will, but sure as shit, he won't help her.

Starseeking · 21/01/2025 07:33

Just reply "I'm not available that weekend".

Copy and paste the same message until it sinks in.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 07:31

user1492757084 · 21/01/2025 07:21

It's okay for him to ask. It is his wedding day and it was a way that he could inform you of that too.

You could wish him a Very Happy Wedding Day but say that unfortunately you have made plans that you don't wish to change.
Suggest he asks his parents or siblings to take the kids home with them.
Be helpful in picking the kids up, just this once, if you can on the Sunday. - meet granny half way or something.

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day. Make sure the kids have a card for him and SM.

Edited

OP is dealing with a controlling narcissist on his 3rd wedding that he is insisting she attends to collect their children despite it not being her weekend and because she's made plans. It's his responsibility to organise childcare on his time, not hers.

It's not about being unkind, it's about maintaining boundaries around a man who is fixated on making OP's life difficult. He's already got her driving half way to contact despite him moving. You cannot reason with men like this.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 07:28

@lespameo The parent who moved is the one who does the travelling. You've been extremely generous meeting him halfway. The court would agree. I know what it's like dealing with these absolute buffoons who thinks the world revolves around them. I presume he'd punish the kids if you put your foot down?

user1492757084 · 21/01/2025 07:21

It's okay for him to ask. It is his wedding day and it was a way that he could inform you of that too.

You could wish him a Very Happy Wedding Day but say that unfortunately you have made plans that you don't wish to change.
Suggest he asks his parents or siblings to take the kids home with them.
Be helpful in picking the kids up, just this once, if you can on the Sunday. - meet granny half way or something.

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day. Make sure the kids have a card for him and SM.

Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 06:48

@TipsyJoker @Ponderingwindow
I genuinely hate the whole meeting half way to drop off but I've been doing it to try keep the peace and not upset my children. It's not court ordered. But if I don't do it, he will refuse to see the kids until I back down. And is it really worth the mental anguish? I think 'take me to court then'. I know that mediation would be expected first but I don't want to spend my money on mediation with a man who won't agree to anything unless it's his idea. If it went to court, what if the judge demands I drive them half way or even worse, the full way (90 mins round trip). Appreciate this is going off topic but Any advice on this would be welcome.
Thanks

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 21/01/2025 01:19

Nope. ‘It’s a shame you want to send the kids home on your weekend, I’m not available that weekend. Also, I can no longer meet you halfway for dropping them off, you’ll have to collect them this weekend.’

it all sounds like it’s been going on long enough that if he doesn’t bother seeing them that’s on him.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 00:54

Nope. His days, his problem. Why can’t the kids stay at the wedding and go home with grandparents/aunts, etc? Or if it’s a hotel, in with family members? Kids usually love a wedding, getting to run about nuts and stay up late, eat loads of food and drink lots of fizzy juice. I’m sure extended family can watch them. Also, if it’s not court ordered, stop driving the kids for his contact. He can pick them up. You’re making them availale for contact so he has to make the effort to collect them. He moved so again, that’s the consequences of his life choices. And learn the grey rock method. He’s a dickhead.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 00:07

lizzyBennet08 · 20/01/2025 22:45

Tell him unfortunately you're not in a position to help him out for this wedding but you promise to help for the next one DaffodilGrin

🤣👏👏

CheekyHobson · 20/01/2025 22:47

No way under the sun would I do this. Can totally imagine my controlling ex trying to pull something similar.

I would consider my ability to cheerfully say “No, sorry I already have important plans that I don’t want to change” to be one of the many rewards of divorcing the controlling fucker.

lizzyBennet08 · 20/01/2025 22:45

Tell him unfortunately you're not in a position to help him out for this wedding but you promise to help for the next one DaffodilGrin

ThejoyofNC · 20/01/2025 22:41

Why is it your job to facilitate his contact, when he's the one who moved away? Use this as a turning point, tell him you won't be doing that and you won't be meeting him halfway with the kids anymore either.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 20/01/2025 22:36

Why are you even entering into a discussion over this

Do XYZ.

No.

And you never answer him again

WearyAuldWumman · 20/01/2025 22:29

Ponderingwindow · 20/01/2025 21:43

In this case, they might be your adorable monkeys, but it is not your circus.

it is his problem to solve. He can find a babysitter. He offered the job to you, which is great, but you declined, which is your prerogative.

Yup.

When my nephew married, he and his fiancée paid for a nanny to be there for the full day and evening.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/01/2025 22:25

Goodness, he really wants you to have to go to his wedding doesn't he? What a controlling prick. Definitely make back up arrangements because he's going to make your weekend away really bloody difficult for you. I hope his new wife is watching and learning 🙄

Thelnebriati · 20/01/2025 21:58

In your shoes I'd even consider going away for the weekend, just in case he's looking to be a victim on his big day. Post pics of your lovely holiday on social media, and don't be available.

Twittable · 20/01/2025 21:56

Yep - that’s definitely not a you problem!

Time for him to sort himself out as it’s his weekend, I wouldn’t tell him about your plans though or he will definitely try to change his weekend. Just be a stuck record reminding him that it’s up to him to sort his own babysitter as you would do on your weekends if needed.

Original poster
lespameo · 20/01/2025 21:55

Thank you for your replies. This makes me feel a bit better over matters. He will definitely use this as a stick to beat me with over the next 6 months. I highly doubt he won't have his children at his wedding day, but I will ask my parents to be available 'just in case'.
I owe him no favours and I wouldn't ask him for any either. If I need childcare on the 12 days out of 14 they're with me, I ask my family and not him. Wish he'd just crawl under a rock to be honest.

OP posts:
Temporaryname158 · 20/01/2025 21:54

I’d feel in two minds. I’m not suggesting you cancel your event but if he makes a big deal about it do you have your parents or siblings or anyone who could pick them up?

he’s making it plain what a dick he is, id be worried he’d make the kids feel unwelcome or that they would be dumped with someone they don’t really know

Thelnebriati · 20/01/2025 21:51

If its not til August he's got plenty of time to book a babysitter and make alternative arrangements, instead of spending the next 6 months using his wedding as a stick to beat you with.
Classy guy!

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