Ex husbands demands

@lespameo I know one of your dc is 10 - how old is the other one?

Mine were 12, 14 and 16 when I got divorced from my emotionally abusive ex and they have basically lived with me and seen him when they want to since. I have no contact with my ex at all.

What I am trying to say is that there will come a time in the not too distant future when you won’t have to have any contact with your horrible ex.

In the meantime I second the pp who said to grey rock him.

He sounds selfish, unpleasant, narcissistic and controlling.

I hope you can hear loads from Mumsnet shouting 'no, you are.' He has made a huge assumption that you will facilitate his vision for his day. It sounds as if you have done all you can. You have been clear, fair and have a plan B. I would probalay reply to one more message if he sends one. Next time don't solve it. It's his weekend. I think you should be saying....as I have already explained as I was not aware of a request for flexibility in childcare arrangements. I have pans already as the date is a significant one. They do not allow me to met your request your request.

I wouldnt say any more. Do not solve the problem. You will not be able to to his satisfaction. Just keeping doing what you do in terms of keeping him informed of important things etc. Whatever you did before.

If broadly the contact works for the children and you - as irritating as the journey sounds - the mediation may indeed serve no real purpose. I know you would like the children - as they want to - to see him more but if he is going to awkward and do things like refuse to let them speak to you to punish you then really the atmosphere for them could be very difficult. They are coming to an age where they can make choices

It is just a case of picking them up… from their father’s wedding (where he is making them unwelcome right at the start of his new family life), but op would have to cancel plans she has already made and paid for.

why do you think the children’s father should not arrange childcare for the evening? It would be very simply to do, babysitter to the hotel for the evening. Why do you think that childcare on his weekend that he wants then there for, isn't his responsibility?

It sounds like he has narcissistic qualities and enjoys making you annoyed . He knows the half way point annoys you so will keep doing it. I suggest making his requests seem no bother or say that would have been fine but whoops something came up last minute and you can’t . Don’t give him any of your emotions. He managed to have an effect on you pre Xmas . I think just decide if you are doing something or not (ie if it’s in the best interests of the kids) and go with that but keep a poker face .

For the wedding I wouldn’t want the children to think they are in the way and it would spoil my night out. If your parents are happy to then I wouldn’t want the ask them to collect them.

good luck - he sounds like an arse!!

YANBU
he has to be the parent here and deal with the situation himself, it’s his weekend.

he’s just being an A’se because he has a small excuse to exert some control again.

it’s his weekend so he arranges something, fair he has asked you, but you cannot and it doesn’t have to be you.

blooming cheek you drive to his wedding! I guess to collect kids, just feels weird.

Definitely not BU. Don't give in.

He planned his wedding for when his kids can be there but doesn't want them there for the whole thing, his job to make alternative arrangements for them then.
(I wonder what the arrangements are for the brides daughters.)

Enjoy your event.

(A cynical person might think he's just trying to get you to his wedding day in some capacity. )

Also re the court/mediation. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to refuse any further attempts at mediation given you've already tried it and he refused to make any compromises.

Make a fist, extend middle finger, job done. Tell him to keep the kids an extra night...

Well more fool you. She has plans on her weekend without her kids. His problem to sort childcare if he doesn't want his children to be there for the whole event he planned on his weekend with them.

It’s his problem. Not yours. As they get older they will start to see him as the selfish person he is.
you have tickets and that’s the end of discussion. I bet he wants them at the wedding for photos and show everyone what a good dad he is. Then he’s dumping them.

he should have checked it was ok before he booked the wedding.

my dad was supposed to pick me up and wasn’t going to. My mum made him tell me as she was fed up of being the bearer of bad news. Say you aren’t driving the kids anymore and it’s up to him.

I would defo pick them up. It’s hos wedding day for goodness sake. Yes he is annoying and controlling but on his wedding day I’d make a once in a lifetime or four times in a lifetime exception to be totally honest

Well done 👍

Tell him you'll do whatever he wants for his next wedding, and in the meantime he's got eight months to work this out. Don't let him get to you.

@POTC I'm not saying they are a new thing . I was saying in my experience (and long drawn out proceedings in court), that is what happened to me. Ex had to collect and drop. Similar for my handful of friends in the same situation. That was all.

I'd go with - I am not avaliable that weekend.
And keep replying that whenever he brings it up

Are you the ExH?

Op, I've been there with the controlling. Stop letting him continue to interfere in your life. The only way to deal with these pricks is by grey rocking them.

This

A simple :
No. I am sure their family on your side can help. I've made plans.

If I could vote I’d vote YABU - but only in that you're having a ‘discussion’ with him about this event, and that you're doing the drop offs / pick ups every time. He’s still controlling you.
Your next (and last) message on this matter should be as follows:
”Dear ex, as you are getting married on your designated weekend, you will have to organise childcare for DC with your own family. In addition, I will no longer be dropping the DC off for your contact days. You will need to arrange to pick up your DC at 6pm on Friday and I will collect them at 4pm on Sunday. There will be no further discussion on either of these issues.”

Assert those boundaries @lespameo!

’Would have loved to help but have a prior engagement…have a great day!’

20 years ago after being awarded full custody of my youngest brother (who was 10 at the time and my mum had walked out when he was 3), my dad was ordered to drive halfway for drop off/pick up fortnightly. That meant 1.5-2 hours just to get to the meeting point, the same back again, then repeat it all again on the Sunday. Courts ordering meeting halfway even when the absent parent is the one who chose to move isn't a new thing.

NO! You are definitely not BU. He sounds very, very much like my controlling abusive ExH (who left for the OW 12yrs ago but still expects me to prioritise his wants and needs).

They are so good at behaving like an a-hole and then making you feel like the unreasonable one to the point where you are literally questioning whether you're being a total knob.

I actually stood up to my ExH today, over him (yet again) unilaterally changing his contact days and having our 12yo deliver the message. I've always tried to avoid conflict because I didn't think it was good for the children. Now I think that letting him treat their mother like a doormat is not good for the children.

After a 'toddler tantrum' earlier today, I've heard nothing, and DD3 came home as planned (rather than attend a freezing training session with him and DD2 - presumably because he didn't want to go on his own)

No chance I would do it!

I habe 2 step sons who love with us 50/50 & 1 DD. I planned my wedding around them being present. We arranged childcare for our wedding eve by asking granny. No, we would never have asked other parents to "take them".

He sounds like an absolute twat

@lespameo The petty in me would be rounding up all the receipts from when he’s refused to help me out. Then I’d be and saying “help you out? Like when you helped me out when x,y,z” and list all the times he refused to help.

Audacity of some of the deadbeat pricks

I loved the answer one poster made which wad "I promise to help with the next one," brilliant.

Don’t do it!!

OP's ex-DH was a controlling arsehole when she was married to him and still is now they are divorced.

He is the one that moved away but he makes OP drive half way every other weekend. She does this because otherwise he wouldn't bother seeing his own children.

She has no reason to be kind as he hasn't ever done a kind thing for her. She has a prior engagement on his weekend to have the kids.