Ex husbands demands

Just reply “noted”. I would be involving myself with his nonsense.

Honestly OP take it from me who has been there, saying nothing says more than ten thousand words ever could. If you need to reply do not get emotional or personal it plays straight into his hands be factual and concise none of this crap of well you moved away - he wants to provoke you, you hold the power here not him. To that text I would merely send a thumbs up response and repeat as needed. I am ten years on and my DC are young adults we are exceptionally close and they barely see their Dad, his loss!

100% not your issue. Perhaps if he wasn’t so difficult and didn’t give you plenty of notice you might be a bit more accommodating.

I think you need to reframe your thinking into why you feel so guilty about contact with your DC’s dad. I appreciate that you are thinking of your DC and their feelings but, but!

He chose to live 45 minutes away
He chose to only see them twice monthly
He chose to live permanently with his step DC
He uses coercion to railroad into doing what he wants
He is actually emotionally abusing your DC (Xmas and not allowing the to call you).
He won’t compromise EVER
On his contact weekends he will impeach upon YOUR time, by making you drive half way. By demanding you collect your DC at his wedding.

I think that you need to contact Women’s aid and rights of women.

I think apply for a court order and like PP download a court approved App for communication.

It would be interesting to know what his third wifey soon to be ex number 4 at some point, is doing with her DC on their wedding day.

As it’s months away and they don’t spend chunks of time with him, will they miss out much? Will they be that bothered?
Interested to know how he will ‘sell’ this idea to his family and friends? Oh the kids couldn’t come because it’s my weekend with them and my vile ex who cares for them 12 days out of 14, who is already doing something important, can’t he be bothered on her free weekend to do a long drive to pick them up on my say so?

I do think this is a very valid point of view. I started selectively telling ‘my side’ of the story when they got a bit older, because one in particular was being gaslit the same way that I was and they didn’t know whether they were coming or going. Fine line between not badmouthing and not equipping them to recognise poor behaviour when they see it.

Well isn’t he a delight? Clearly he’s so happy about getting married that he’s sending controlling, passive aggressive messages like this.
If I was marrying this man and read that I’d be concerned. What he did to you, he did to her and not your problem.
He’s on his third marriage. Why does he need to go on honeymoon the next day?!
If he was a decent ex, cordial, and did his bit you could work with him on it but he doesn’t give you anything. Not a tiny bit of appreciation for taking care of his kids.
What does your partner think OP?

It’s important you don’t agree to tell the kids they are missing out. That’s his job. If they ask about it, you just say, ring your dad, he can explain his plans.

Be prepared for him to feed them nonsense about you being obstructive. At 10 they are not far off from being able to see the nonsense for what it is themselves. You won’t even need to badmouth him!

You know what, I quite like this. You could go into detail about the whys and wherefores, but all that will do is feed into the drama.

I reckon he's using the dc's disappointment, and you having to deliver the message, as a way to get you to do what he wants. I suspect if you send the above, and he realises that hasn't worked he'll find a way to accommodate the dc.

Oh my god he is insufferable! What a total and utter dick.

You really really need to stop communicating with this person using any words that contain emotion. Factual, neutral, unbending:

OK, let the twins know the arrangement the next time you see them, ie that you can’t do contact that weekend and that they will be with my family for the wedding weekend. As mentioned, I’m unavailable.

What a self important dickhead! I like how is solution is to just not have them at his wedding rather than pay for a babysitter like a normal person 😆I'd tell him I won't be explaining anything to the kids as his wedding is of no interest to me

What an absolute piece of shit he is. It's his responsibility to tell the children they can't attend the wedding, not yours. It's not up to a small child to communicate dates. This "huge event" that he's done 3 times has no bearing on your right to make plans on contact weekends. Yes it's time to put your foot down and stand up to him.

I'd be seeking a CAO and taking all the control away from him. You can do it yourself and represent yourself. My ex applied because he wanted to control everything. He looked all sad in court and made a big thing about contact days and what he wanted (which he already had!) which suited me and was put in an order. When I got home from court, I had an email from him cancelling the contact arrangements for the entire summer as he was going away with OW. Priceless. So I'd be telling him you wish to formalise arrangements now and I'd also download a court approved app for communication as this can be submitted if necessary.

What an absolute prick. He has his kids 2 days out of 14. I’m sure someone who has experience in this kind of bullshit will be able to give you a kick ass response to send. Or maybe no response is better.

Good luck OP.

The controlling fuck

Not that you should have to but can you contact exmil and ask her suggestions? He needs calling out to someone..

What an arsehole.

I have never said a bad word about my ex, their dad, to my now adult DC. In hindsight I should have been a bit clearer, I feel I covered up his shit-ness so they didn’t have to be confronted with it or feel in the middle. But looking back I’m not sure if I have accidentally gaslit them about his true nature.

I wish you loads of luck OP.

Entitled prick. Even if you had known the exact date months ago, it's still not your responsibility to be on hand to ferry the kids about at his demand.

I’d say ‘good luck to you explaining to your nearest and dearest that your own children aren’t at your wedding because you couldn’t be arsed to arrange someone to look after them. I’d hope for <fiancées names> benefit at least that you realise by now I’m not your wife. You’ve presumably organised a ceremony, a cake, a band/kd
, a reception, a honeymoon, your guests will be seeing all that around them and think ‘but making some arrangements for his children was just too hard?’

My thoughts too. Sadly sounds like he’ll delight in trashing OPs plans if he knows that’s a possibility. Best to have a back up.

My reply would be "yes i can let them know they cant attend as you are unable to find childcare and honeymoon in the morning"

Or just "ok"

Your ex sounds like someone I know. Try to reframe your mind, you are not there to facilitate his relationship with his kids but you will make them available EOW, to be collected and dropped back at your house. If he doesn't see them, that's his choice. You've attempted mediation and he refuses to compromise so his next step for contact is a court order. You need to get tougher and realise no is a full sentence. I wouldn't even reply to his last message acknowledging the wedding. Just say 'I've now decided that I am no longer meeting halfway, you made the choice to move'. And then ignore every attempt at control.

I was you years ago. My sons are now 30 and 32. Hang in there, it gets so much easier when they turn 18 and he has to communicate directly with them. They are 10 and will see and absorb everything. They know who is the one who sorts everything and provides safety and stability. One day they will tell you how grateful they are for that. It is an absolute pain dealing with a controlling narcissist. My exhusband decided not to collect them everytime a flake of snow fell. He let us down one half term Amsterdam trip and became 'ill' when we were due to go on honeymoon. My parents knew what he was and always stepped up. I learned to always have a back up plan so I never needed to give the reaction he wanted and still got to live my life. He announced , when the oldest son was approaching 18 and University, that he didn't have to contribute anything to this and wasn't going to. My second husband sat them down and said that they would be going and we would pay the lot, if their dad refused to. It took the power away, made ex look like an absolute shit and he ended up paying half. Good luck. You only have 8 more years to go

Bless you, I'd wish a lot worse than that for him to be honest. x

This man is still controlling you even though you are not married to him.
Why are you letting him dictate that you have to drive halfway for him to see his children?
What does your DH think of this arrangement? I know mine would be pissed off if my Ex was still controlling my life.
You need to put some boundaries in place.

Give him notice and tell him that after a certain date your schedule has changed and you won't be taking the children halfway. Tell him that your decision is final and not up for debate or discussion. If he chooses not to pick them up, that's on him

Like others have said, tell him your plans on his wedding day are final but wish him the best.