Ex husbands demands

You're definitely right and he's being a d××k, I'd definitely go away and make sure he can't bully you into it. However, big caveat, definitely have your parents available as from what you've said about contact he will happily use your children to control and manipulate which is horrendous for your children, who are most important here (sounds like you already know this and are very good driving halfway just to ensure they see their dad). I'd be wary of just wandering off and switching off your phone that weekend as I can see a world where he deliberately just leaved them in the car park to "wait for mum" and then blames you when you're not there etc. If your parents are on stand by, at least you know they will be physically and emotionally cared for if he pulls a stunt. No, it's not your weekend and it's not your job to do it, but ultimately the kids are at the heart of it and when they're grown up they'll know and they'll work out who the good guy was, and who put themselves in difficult positions for them.

@Goldbar Well yes she could but surely if you've got to replace the disappointment of not being at their father's wedding, you'd need to do it that day or at the very least that weekend to distract them. God what a vile man to do this 🤬

She doesn't have to take them that weekend.

She can't promise them that because she has tickets booked for a concert for her partner's birthday, indeed booked because the kids were due to be at the wedding. All he's doing is trying to ruin OP's weekend. Kids are just collateral damage.

I'd be so tempted to say something like "Never mind, if you don't get to go to Daddy's wedding because he can't find anyone to look after you, I'll take you to Legoland (or equivalent) instead and that will be much more fun than a boring old wedding".

I probably wouldn't but I'd be tempted.

he will try to poison the children regardless, so why not have firm boundaries?

Agree with the position “Daddy arranged his wedding on his weekend to be with you so you could be involved. I’m sure daddy will sort it out with his family if he wants to stay late at the party and not take you home himself. I’m sure he’ll tell you before hand who it’ll be. Don’t worry, daddy’s got ages to sort it out.”

Why can't ex FIL look after them for the night? It speaks volumes that your ex doesn't have any family or friends he can ask for help!

Ah righto. Well I was trying to respond to whether you want to facilitate the wedding arrangements for your kid's sake.
I have to confess I'm torn. I so want to stick 2 fingers up but I recognise he's also poisoning the children

More fool you if you did this.
He can organise childcare from family, nanny or babysitter.

What a prize twat he is. Please don't cave OP or he will use the kids against you for evermore. This is all about controlling you, and he doesn't care if he upsets the kids to do it.

As PP have already suggested, tell the kids you're sorry they are upset, but as it is Daddy's weekend, it is Daddy's job to sort out the arrangements, not Mummy's. If there is a problem Daddy needs to sort it out. You've already told Daddy you're not free that weekend because you have made plans knowing it was his weekend.

I'm sure Daddy will sort it out. All his family will be at the wedding, so I'm sure one of them can help out. Ad infinitum.

Going forward getting a court order and communicating only the bare minimum through a court approved app sounds like a good idea.

Brilliant response 😂

Politely decline, tell him, he choose to get married on his weekend. You thought this was so his children could be a part of the whole day the same way you would plan yours. Then tell him he may have forgot but that date is also your partners birthday which means you made plans that cannot change. So unless he is the type of parent to drop his plans when ever you need him to pick up the kids for an evening say no. If his actually refused to help you out before even better to call him out on it. His responsible for the kids on that date and therefore he sorts his own childcare the same way you do on your days.

You are so right Tomatocutwithazigzagedge x

I think you need to get in first and sit your children down and explain to them … mummy would love for you to go to daddy’s wedding and be a part of his and SM’s big day and as it’s daddy’s weekend it’s going to be amazing that you can spend the time with them as if it was mummys weekend they wouldn’t have been able to go… as when grown ups make decisions they really need to stick to them so as it’s daddy’s weekend he may need to find a sitter / family member for 1 of those nights but he may let you stay with him and SM … just ask daddy when u next see him which of those he is going to choose but mummy’s plans are already sorted for that weekend so she will be waiting as always for you on your return with a great big hug… just keep reminding them this is not your choice it’s daddy’s

Exactly this. My ex was an absolute expert at arranging his own selfish needs, expecting me to pick up the pieces and dragging my DS into the situation.

Uggh! What a sad, sad twat of a man, manipulating his own childrens emotions to get what he wants.

I learnt not to take on the guilt, and certainly not to apologise from my side under any circumstances....

"I'm sorry that Daddy's conversation has upset you. He should not be discussing grown up arrangements with you, his time with you is for you to have fun. It's his job to organise the wedding and weekend, and not mums."

I'm almost feeling like there's some sick need he has to have you turn up to try to rub his new bride and new happy family in your face op.

This ⬆️
I'm 100% sure op would prefer no break than for her poor dc to have to deal with this utter turd x

What an absolute arsehole he is. Stop meeting him halfway for visits. He deserves nothing from you.

You just say it's Daddy's weekend and all their family is at the wedding so I'm sure Daddy will sort something out.

You really need to take a step back from facilitating contact. No halfway meets, no picking up the pieces for him.

It's in your kids best interests to have zero contact with this man.hes only still seeing them to punish you. Look how he's willing to hurt and manipulate his own kids to punish you. If you minimise your involvement, he will lose interest in them.

Yes they may be upset at first about no longer seeing Daddy. But they'll benefit hugely in the long term from not being involved with a narcissist. It's not always in the kids best interests to see both parents.

Of course it would mean no break at all for you though, which is shite.

I'd be honest with the dc. Tell them you're away so can't help Daddy out, it's his weekend so he should be able to arrange something.

This would be a hill I'd choose to die on, if you cave he'll continue to use the dc to get his own way. Everything will always be the next 'most important thing' so don't think it's a one off because it's his wedding.

@lespameo Fucking hell. He's raging because you're not being the subservient little woman any longer. He'd rather hurt his children. Stick to your guns here. Can you imagine him having to explain to guests at the wedding why his children aren't there?

He needs to sort it out himself and how you've handled it with the kids is exactly right. Keep on the "silly daddy" line. You've got to get that CAO.

They may be sad.
But I'd say two things are important.
He doesn't win.
The children need to understand that women are subservient and that no one is entitled to your mental of physical sacrifice.
Even them.

Don't.
You just tell the kids.

Well it's Daddy's time and you'll just have to have lots and lots of fun at His party.
You can just stay with him.

He has till August to arrange childcare for his children, on his weekend, for his wedding.

This isn't about anything but power and control. He's upsetting his own kids on order to manipulate you. The thing is if upsetting them works in order to assert control over you he will do that because it works for him.

I would tell the kids that you are sorry that they are upset. Daddy has a long time to sort out someone to look after them after the wedding. You can't pick them up because you have plans and aunty is away. Your sure daddy will find a solution.

I think you need to be clear that it's not your problem to find a solution to. I'd also make it clear that you'll reconsider contact altogether if he continues to try to manipulate you via the children.