Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

You know... 6 months ago I would have said you were unreasonable and that your partner is perfectly entitled to go on holiday by himself. Having just separated from my partner who enjoyed his freedom for all the years we've been together, I say take it as a sign. A sign that he doesn't really value the relationship the same way you do, that he doesn't see you as part of the family, that he is going to continue to break his promises. And if he is a poor communicator, you won't even be able to have a calm discussion about how to move forward. So think where your line in the sand is. I wish I drew mine much much earlier.

Maybe he should spend more time at his own home. See you 2 nights a week. Do his own cooking and washing etc. you’d both be less “stressed”. Bet he gets supper, washing and all that at your house. Leave him to sort himself for a bit.

There is nothing to discuss, though, is there @Foreverstar?

You don’t live together, you don’t have joint money, they aren’t his children you are looking after. He doesn’t have to run anything past you ahead of making plans.

He and another member of his family (brother or sister?) are going to visit his mum abroad. The other person made the arrangements. Your boyfriend told you about it.

Did you have plans for that week that depended on him? Were you both supposed to be attending something? If not, I don’t think you are being reasonable.

My parents live abroad. If I visit it would be the same as though I visited them in say Birmingham or (other city). It is never a holiday and it's just a lot of sitting round the kitchen and char the same as if I was just day visiting in Birmingham. I suspect you aren't missing much.

Going to see his mum is fine.

Not being able to talk to you freely about while it was in the planning stage, says there are communication issues, and that's not fine.

It does very much sound like you feel he has a responsibility to be there looking after your children, and that when he spends his money on himself , he should be checking with you.
Those are big things to work out.

I can see where you are coming from in terms of not mentioning it to you before booking, but not the actual going.
If you are in a serious, committed relationship (living together or not) it's only respectful to talk to each other about your plans before booking, not after arranging it with everybody else. I think mature relationships differ in this respect to younger relationships as it's more common not to go down the living together route, but still expect to be treated with the same respect as any serious, committed partnership.
However, your children are your responsibility, not his.

You maintain separate households. You do not share children. You do not have joint finances. He does contribute financially when he is with you and pays for things on top. He is not responsible for your choices. I'm sorry you feel a great weight on your shoulders but you give the impression of being far more coupled than you really are. Unless you're not telling us something about your commitment to each other, because on paper you're just boyfriend and girlfriend.

I would reflect on why he booked without telling you and what that indicates about how he currently feels. He may want to see his family, he may want to join the trip because a relative did all the admin around it, he may really want a break from your children, a break because he is stressed at work. He may just want a break and at this point he doesn't need your permission. I'd also think about why you are reliant on him and expect him to be there with you for you to not feel resentment.

I think it would be healthy if your relationship was in a place where he discussed it with you before booking because you would be supportive and not feel resentment.

Are your feelings reasonable though? Maybe if he could predict an explosive reaction from you he decided it would be better to tell you after it was booked so you couldn’t stop him. You’re saying that he is doing things to invest in the future but also telling him that it’s not enough. If you put someone in a position where they are automatically wrong, they will behave accordingly.

He’s allowed to visit him mum without you. That’s literally all there is to it.

So it does, need to put my glasses back on 🤓

I think there's a communication breakdown somewhere in the relationship and a good honest chat from the OP is the only way to move forwards or she'll feel resentment.

Why does he need to discuss it? It none of her business. What "family holiday"? They're not a family. The don't share finances, children, a home, a joint account, They're not engaged or married. They have separate properties. They're boyfriend and girlfriend, and he kips at hers sometimes, that's all.

If OP wants a "family holiday", then she can take her kids on holiday.

Respectfully, it is unreasonable to complain about him taking a break to visit his mum abroad while you are stuck at home with the kids “juggling everything” - they are your kids and you don’t live together, so that’s your responsibility anyway.

I can understand your disappointment, however you speak as though you are far more entwined than you actually are - you live apart and have your own bills etc. When you mentioned paying off debts, whose debts are you talking about? Yours, his or joint?

@comedycentral No, she said he moans about himself spending money and taking time off.

If he's spending his own money and taking time off work to visit his mother who he presumably hasn't seen in a while then I think he's perfectly reasonable.

The issue for me would be less about him going and more about him not even discussing it. I can see why he would want to visit his mum alone or with family. But a discussion needs to be had to agree what's reasonable. Particularly if him going to do that will be at the expense of you having a family holiday.

To be honest though, I don't think the plan of you going on holiday for the first time and meeting his mum for the first time was a good one! Maybe he's realised that.

I'd want to make sure you now have something planned in at least as a family - but not with his mother!

Of course he is; it's the lack of communication that is hurtful. It's not like his mum's a quick car ride away; there's a cost associated, and the OP says he moans about her spending money and taking time off.

It’s not really a holiday as such though is it. He is going to visit his family who happen now to live abroad.

if his mum lived 50 miles up the road and he went to visit and decided to stay a couple of nights you wouldn’t feel upset about it would you?

im not saying that your feelings are wrong but I do wonder if this reaction is about something bigger than a family visit or as you put it a holiday.

it is time to sit down and have a proper adult conversation about your relationship and what it actually is moving forward.
He might be there all the time but technically he is just someone you are dating just now because you and he have separate everything. It feels like a full on partnership because he’s there and gives you money to cover his costs that accrue due to him being there but are you properly in a commitment with plans for more.

I think YABU.

So you're just boyfriend and girlfriend with no shared responsibilities? Then, no, he doesn't have to ask your permission to visit his Mum, nor does he need to take you with him.

Bloody hell, he's allowed to visit his mum, isn't he?

Book you andnthe kids to go away to see your mum or best friend and tell him afterwards.
There are some really cost effective deals out there. Perhaps a Friday to Monday so kids only have 2 days of school.

It hurts but go enjoy sometime with someone special in your life like mum or a bestie and get a different perspective.

What would discussing it achieve when OP is feeling so hurt and disappointed over some that is a non issue.

I’m guessing if he’s having to reassure her that he’s coming back when he just wants a family visit for a week, there are bigger problems.

You begrudge your partner having some time away from you and your two children who aren't his in order to go and visit his mum who lives abroad? Really?

For what it's worth, your kids are not his responsibility. He's allowed to take a break from them. If you need a break from them, where's their actual dad in all this?