Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

But he did mention it (which is why OP made the thread).

If he hid it or told her on the day/day before, then it would be rude.

But they don’t live together or share kids etc and he knew they had no plans during that time, so discussed it with his family members and then booked it and then told OP.

I don’t understand why he’d have to wait before booking it to discuss it with OP.

What difference would it make if he booked it and then told her vs planning it but ringing her to tell her and then booking it.
The outcome is still the same.

The only time you need to run it by someone first, is if there may be a reason you can’t go eg because you can’t afford it as a family, have kids etc and so you would discuss it and see if you can make it work.

In this situation there’s no need to discuss it beforehand, as he can discuss it once it was booked, which he did.

OP is just jealous because she wants a holiday.
You wouldn’t say “the best but is that he’s not even close up his family” or moan about leaving you to parent your own kids, if you were only annoyed about it not being discussed with you beforehand.

I should have left out the word "permission" but I stand by what I said.
I'm married with children, so if either of us need to go away for any reason, we would need to run it by the other person first- to make sure that the other person could do 100% of the childcare on their own at that time or there wasn't an important event on etc.

When we were dating, but not living together and didn't have children, if his family were taking a trip, he would tell me- but not ask. Eg "Me, Mum and Sister are going to visit uncle Bob on the 25th" which he has done- he's told her he's going in advance, he hadn't just disappeared.

I do think that visiting a parent is very different to going on holiday, but he should’ve told you about it. Do you think he suspected that you’d object to him going and that’s why he didn’t say anything?

It’s important to accept that even though his Mim lives abroad, visiting her may still be important to him, even when money is tight. This is unlikely to change, because she’s his Mum.

I mean he's literally told you "he's stressed and needs a break away from you, and your kids". I'm not sure why you're arguing against that with him? You'd be better off addressing why that actually is vs labouring the going away without you bit?

He's already clearly said he's not wanting to go there with you and your kids. And his actions have shown that. That's the bit you need to be talking about.

I actually think this relationship is already doomed OP. You say that 'He's not a great communicator at the best of times and 'discussions' can quickly escalate to an argument and he then just leaves until things cool down', and now he's booked to go and see his Mum and you're not happy about it, yet he doesn't even live with you, and the children aren't his. It really sounds like 6 of 1, and half dozen of the other, ie, you're as bad as he is, and if you can't communicate before you've even moved in together, then I wouldn't bother if I were you.

I think it's odd it wasn't discussed generally

Why the focus though on whether living together or not? Surely if you are living together and have no DC the same "rules" would apply?

It's just common courtesy to let your partner know your plans prior to booking?

From a personal perspective (happy to be flamed for this), but when I have reached a point in any relationship, living together, married or living separately where I've not told my partner about my significant plans in advance it's because I've lost respect for them and I am no longer considering them in whatever I do.

Imagine the conversation that morning - the usual bye/have a good day/see you tonight, and then he says oh, I’m off to Peru at lunchtime, catch you next week … Nah, not many people would be happy with that

Or, more realistically “My sister and I booked a trip to visit Mum in March. We’re going on the 9th and are going to stay for 10 days.”

Can’t see a problem with that.

Yabu. It's a bf/gf relationship still if you have separate houses and no shared dc.

@KiKitchensinktoday I totally agree, I'd be miffed if my partner booked a holiday without even mentioning it. I can't imagine doing this to my partner nor him me...it's just bizarre to me that some people have relationships like this

THIS. If you’ve been with someone for 3 years, you don’t plan a trip away without mentioning it. I m amazed at the amount of posters who say they would be cool with it.

Imagine the conversation that morning - the usual bye/have a good day/see you tonight, and then he says oh, I’m off to Peru at lunchtime, catch you next week … Nah, not many people would be happy with that

Surely it's not about, "asking permission". I've never felt the need to ask for permission for anything as a grown adult whether living on my own or married/cohabiting. In fact, I would actively avoid getting into a relationship where I was treated as a child that needs permission to do anything.

It's about having the respect for your partner to let them know prior to finalising arrangements? Not doing so shows a certain lack of consideration and respect as to how important that person is in your life. It sends a very definite message that, "you are not that important and I don't need to consider you". That has nothing to do with living together or not, but to do with a commitment to whether you see the person as important in your life, or whether you expect them to fit around you.

Why do you think he won't come back OP?

People in decent relationships don't need to "even the score".
OP needs to communicate with her boyfriend, not play stupid games.

i have been with my husband decades, and I do not feel the need to discuss it if i wanted to visit family for a bit. Whats to discuss? As long as it doesnt clash with anything important.

If he has his own home and you don't share finances and the children aren't his, he sounds like a boyfriend not a partner, he doesn't need to ask permission to go anywhere. If money is tight, it makes sense that you wouldn't spend on going to visit his Mum, that's important for him but not you. You've said you're left at home caring for the children, but they aren't his so that's not his responsibility.

I think yabu.
Why would you even want to go?
I think if his relatives wanted to go see her and he wanted to go with them, i don't see why he needs your authorisation?

I know you have a lot on your plate and are stressed, but i really don't think visiting his parents should be considered a holiday.

YABU

You aren’t married, you don’t live together and you don’t have kids together.

There would be no reason to need to run it by you first.

It sounds like if he did mention it, you would want to be invited and he obviously didn’t want that and so didn’t want to upset you.

You are annoyed he gets a holiday and you don’t but yet admit finances are tight - which one is it.

Of course you’re going to have to continue working and looking after your 2 kids.
They aren’t his kids and I don’t know why you’d be upset over this.

You seem more annoyed about not being invited, than him not running it by you first.

He can go and see his mum without you.

No such thing as effectively living together. You either share financial and practical responsibility of a joint home or you don't. If you both have separate homes, you don't live together.

He can't "see' your children as his step children. It doesn't work like that,they either are or they aren't. Since you're not married and he has no financial or legal responsibility for your children, he's not their step dad. He's their mother's boyfriend.

You haven't been on family holidays together, you're not a family! You and your children are family, He is your uncommitted boyfriend.

Why do you not live together? Are they joint debts you are paying off?

Totally my opinion, but when you do not live together it is very hard to think of your partner as your children's step-father.

Other posters have pointed out he should spend more time at his own home and his time doing his own domestic things, rather than come to yours. While I don't think he has to answer to you, he can be respectful and consult if you're carrying his domestic load.

Boyfriend of 3 years and she says they pretty much live together. To not even mention it till its a done deal seems a bit sneaky. Could have just been a conversation.
They might not be his kids but they've discussed going on holiday together, and even to his mums, so it would seem curteous to mention it to her. I don't think he's wrong to want to go, but I can't see how it wouldn't come up in conversation unless he's purposely not told her.

I think you know why he didn't mention the holiday to you. He knew you would want to come and he didn't want you to come. He knew it would cause a big argument either way so he decided to have the argument after booking the flights rather than before in order to seal the deal. He should have told you beforehand, but something tells me that you're a strong character and he took the easier route to 'win'.

I think if you don't live together, have children together or shared finances he can do as he wishes. Save up for a holiday for yourself and your children.

I think YABU. You don’t really live together or have joint finances and your children aren’t his.

If you want a holiday with your DC surely that’s your responsibility, not his. You definitely need to back off telling him he’s out of order for visiting his own mother!!!

To be fair we effectively live together, we have holidayed together in the past as a family i.e. with my children who he absolutely sees as his stepchildren and I have met his mother numerous times

No of this really has anything to do with him going to see his own mother.