Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

Then you're being ridiculous.

With all due respect, saying that you're going to be stuck at home juggling everything is just bonkers... they're your children 😅 That's what parents do! It doesn't matter that their own father does nothing....your BF is not their parent, or even their step parent so he shouldn't be made to feel guilty that you're left at home with your own 2 children.

You've only been together 3 years, you don't live together, but it seems like he's good enough to contribute to your household and some on top... and your giving him a hard time for going away with his actual family?

I'd say you'd need to cop yourself on a bit tbh. If I was in his shoes, I'd be running a mile from you, totally controlling behaviour.

We plan life together in general which is why I'm hurt

Thats your crux.

You plan life together. He’s planned this without you and referred to needing a “break” from you all.

Talk to him.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable, it just sucks for you.
He shouldn’t have to ask to see his family, but it would have been courtesy to say “by the way I’m booking this…”.
Did he avoid telling you beforehand knowing you’d perhaps remind him you were supposed to go with him and he didn’t want to feel torn or guilty? They say it’s always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
He has chosen you and your children, it doesn’t mean it isn’t overwhelming for him to have a microwave family (ready-made).
My partner chose me and my little girl but sometimes he does struggle adjusting to the extra people who look to him for love/support etc. and he is also absolutely god awful at communicating.
Maybe, while he’s away, organise a day trip just for you and your kids, use the time to create fond memories for your children. x

It's not a holiday

He's just going to visit his mum with other family members who have organised it.

Sometimes mums like to see their kids without the children's partners being there too as that changes the dynamics!

You don't live together and don't have children together so you're absolutely over reacting.

Money is tight but he's paying you monthly and top ups? He must be giving you enough money to cover the food he eats and the extra bit of electricity he uses. Everything else you would still be paying if he wasn't there.

You sound jealous (and self centred) because he's spending money on his family and not you and your children. He's going to visit his mum with his family. He doesn't need to include you or are you trying to isolate him?

Sort your finances out, tell him he needs to only stay a couple of nights a week - which he will likely give you money to do anyway - and stop saving for "future" things with him if money is that tight.

If this was a man asking this you'd be getting a shredding for expecting a woman to provide for your children and not see her family.

He didn’t mention it until booked because he knew you’d not want him to go without you. YABU. You can’t control everything. He is allowed to visit his mum without you.

Maybe his mum doesn’t want to host you and your kids? Maybe the siblings don’t want it to be all about a holiday for you and your kids?

There is a completely different dynamic when there are just family members to when there are partners and their children there too.

Given that you don't live together, aren't married and they aren't his children, I can't see the issue. I went on loads of holidays without DH when he was my boyfriend, and when we were engaged. It's only now we need to manage work holidays with the children's school holidays that we always holiday together. Also, he's with his family, and that's important time for them together.

You keep saying that money is tight but I don't understand what you mean by that? You don't live together and you don't share finances so why is what he does with his money and of your business.

Your children aren't his responsibility and it sounds as if he's already fairly generous in regards to sending you money every month.

Spot on

Visiting family is a different experience from going on holiday; for a start, your partner's time won't be fully at his own disposal. And you are not living together in the same household, so it is not a given that you will take holidays together.

He only 'effectively' lives at your house and still has his own place. You don't have a joint account. Your kids aren't his. You don't have joint finances and he gives you money for things. He absolutely doesn't have to ask you before booking a trip overseas to see his family and of course he doesn't have to take you with him. You're not joined at the hip.

You would leave your 2 Dc with a retired friend for a week? Give or take the ‘bit’ of time with their Dad?

OK, he should have discussed this with you in advance.

But tbh he’s spending the cost of one flight. Meanwhile he seems to contribute to the cost of your two kids in daily life, and the holiday you took them on?

It is ok for him to visit his Mum. Family visits are not necessarily great holidays (ask me how I know!)

But the general communication issue is one to address. Not sure how. Best discussed when out of the immediate context. Both think about ways that a conversation turns into a row. could asking questions rather than giving opinions make a difference? Explaining how you feel rather than making accusations about behaviour (“I feel ignored when I am not given information “ rather than “you always do this you are selfish and ignore me”). Etc.

More like, im going up to see my dad next weekend. Its my only opportunity for a while.
I may or may not check with him, but i can't imagine he would be sad to not have to come

It’s not a holiday though is it. It’s a visit to his mum with his sister.

My DH’s mum lives abroad and he’s often said ‘ I am going to see mum on her birthday/before Xmas/on the anniversary of dad’s death etc. I’ve looked at flights and I’m going on Saturday …’.

We are a couple but we’re also too separate adults too.

My situation for last 9 years lol

You've never heard of "LAT" relationships then? One of the fastest growing arrangements amongst adults within the UK.

There are many and varied reasons why people might chose not to share a roof with someone else, but that doesn't mean the commitment to their long term relationship is any less.

I know a couple who are long-term married (over 30 years), who don't live in the same house midweek.

These days with more women being capable of financial independence, they are not reliant on having to live with a man in order that he can "provide" for them and therefore there are many other constructs of relationship than just dating, living together or married.

Imagine if mum lived in a dull uninteresting place - instead of abroad?

Going to see mum in *dull midlands town - no thanks - Mum lives in nice warm foreign land -

He’s allowed to go and see his mother with his sister - even if you get married - he’s still allowed.

You can be miffed all you like - that has no bearing on him going.

Blimey you can never win on MN. You don’t live together so are “not committed”. But if you did live together you’d be accused of moving a stranger in with your children 🤷‍♀️

However what jumps out at me is the line “he doesn’t understand why I think he won’t come back”. This is a pretty odd conclusion to jump to from a visit to his mum and makes me think there are other issues. Either you’re incredibly insecure, you think that either the freedom of not being with you and the kids will make him see things differently or you think his family will be encouraging him to consider this relationship (or a mix of all three).

I am not sure he is as commited to your relationship as you are, which I think is the bigger issue here.

I can see you are understandably jealous. He gets to swan off leaving you with the responsibilities...but as others have said, those aren't his responsibilities and the children are yours. Visiting his family isn't really a holiday and by the sounds of the plans, it's going to be a lot of relatives getting together which could be really boring for you.

Why after 3 years do you still have your own homes? This to me is a sign he already doesn't want to commit too much to you. Also you are moaning about not getting a break but later say the kids dad will have them...so why not arrange a child free weekend with your boyfriend or sort out your own holiday?

What are your joint debts? I am not sure how these are joint and worry whose name they are in as you are not married. If you wanted to free up money then I would suggest moving in properly together then you wouldn't have two mortgages or rents to pay, two sets of bills etc.

Personally I don't think this will work in the long run if you want more from him. He is happy with the way things are, he stops over with you when he wants, I expect you feed him and do his laundry but he still has a bolt hole when he gets fed up with your kids as however much you claim he sees them as his step children I don't think he does.

This is the beginning of the end, but as usual, loads of posters want to explain away the signs.

He has his own house - if he needs time away from OP and her children, he could have that.

They've been together 3 years, so thisisn't some fly-by-night relationship. I had separate finances when I was married, so would it still have been ok for me to spring this fait accomplis on my then-husband?

Even if he got 'carried away', what it shows is that he has no care for the OP - she doesn't figure in his thoughts the way he would figure in hers. He doesn't consider her a partner in the way she considers him to be her partner.

Add that to his 'inability to communicate' (I would say he can perfectly well communicate via his anger) and how he won't even acknowledge her feelings (why would he? He doesn't care about them) and we have a man who doesn't give a shit.

He's also now shown how he believes that future plans are 'his' not 'ours'. As a PP says, this isn't about permission, it's about consultation.

Give him space, OP, forever. Staying with him will only be dragging out the ending and wasting more of your time and energy.

The person who said this is about communication is right. He is telling her something significant in the context of going on a trip which is wrong and the OP is getting the point.

As a pp pointed out the significant thing is he is doing this to take time out from the whole set up. The very thing the OP sees as a reason for her to be included in his family’s trip. That’s quite a bombshell. That is what needs discussing. And no people pleaser ever gave that as a reason to do something. They would say I’m doing it to keep my sister or mother happy.

In the context of just visiting his mum with his sister then telling the OP of his plans as he has done is enough. He isn’t asking for permission. She should be able to take his decision on board even if she doesn’t like it. The fact the OP can’t is telling. Even if they were married she should be able to accept he is off to see his mum without her and the children.

In the context of saying I am stressed and need to take time out from this situation, he should have done that separately. Again this isn’t something the OP should try to negotiate. But she should have the ability to see this isn’t the time to tell him about all his responsibilities to her and her family. Unless she wants to force a choice. Which she is entitled to do.

Nothing is stopping the OP from taking her children on holiday whenever she wants.

Considering she’s moaning that her BF is “leaving” her to parent her own children alone for a week in fairly sure she isn’t going to jump at the idea of taking them away alone though.

In my world a relationship long term is a couple living together etc not seperate houses,finances children etc

I don’t think he’s in the wrong for going.

I do think it’s pretty crap that he didn’t have the decency to discuss it with you first. I’m not saying he needs your permission to go, he doesn’t but in a healthy relationship I’d think it was normal to discuss going abroad before you booked anything.

I also don’t think that you ‘needing a break’ is his problem. They’re your kids and if you need a break from them then it’s up to you to facilitate that.