Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

Is the debts yours that you’re paying off? You said moneys been tight, would he have had to pay for your flight? Is this just a family get together with everyone expecting mum to pay for everybody’s food?

He wants to go visit his mum, his promises are broken as he does what he pleases and he sees no reason to please anyone else.

I mean after 3 yrs I think it’s just common courtesy to discuss travel plans with your partner and invite them along and give them the option. He’s acting like a single man. Also what if OP wanted to use their vacation time for them to travel together and he is eating their vacation time and not even discussing it with her?? This would be a relationship deal breaker for me

But I would expect after being in a relationship for 3 years that there would be some sort of discussion given that it’s eating up vacation time that they could use as a couple to travel together never mind the fact that by not discussing this with her he didn’t even give her the option of going if she wanted to. I would expect travel to include both of us and be arranged together after a year of dating exclusively let alone 3

🤣🤣🤣

And you’re clearly disoriented writing your post

She’s not putting limits on him seeing his family ..
Posters missing the point as usual 🙄..

You would tell your partner you are booking & going away , it’s common courtesy ..
Partners tell each other important shit like this !

I think he’s stressed and wants to get away from you and children and be on his own. He doesn’t live with you, he stays at yours but has his own place.

If he has his own home then you don't "effectively live together" you mean he stays at yours most of the time. So he doesn't pay half your bills etc?
You don't live together, you don't have joint finances and the kids you be left to look after are yours, not his.
Why should he run it past you? And why do you have an issue with him going to see his mum?

Then you’re not really together, and I don’t see why he can’t do what he wants. He obviously wants to be able to please himself and not have a commitment, so it’s his business. He even has his own house. You aren’t a couple in his eyes, just mates. If he wanted commitment, he would make things official. He hasn’t because you are allowing him to use you. Either put up with this, or bin him and find someone who cares.

Memo to self to check the date before I get swept up in a zombie thread

Sounds like hes come into a family, stepped up looking after kids whoes dads a deadbeat and contributes to your house financially even though he also has his own.
Let the man have a break and spend time with his family, sounds like he spends a lot of time with yours already.

I have no idea how to respond now, this thread was from January and can barely remember the context - I've probably answered in thread? Or someone else has.

How is it family money? They’re not family. He has a girlfriend with children and they each have their own house.

I’d be very cheesed off if someone I wasn’t living with told me I shouldn’t be visiting my mum if I felt like it.

I know this has been a 3 year relationship but I’d be enforcing my 5 year plan. If this was me I would 100% be questioning this relationship. I’m sure you have discussed the future ect but how committed is he if he easily plans a break away without discussing with you?! Please also be reminded you live separate and they are not his children so the comment “I don't have a holiday to look forward to, I don't get to share the experience of his first visit to his Mum's, I'll be left at home with the boys, working full time, juggling everything like I do whilst he gets his much needed break!” Is all on you. Why wouldn’t you book a holiday for you and the kids? Juggling everything like you do? I’d reevaluate your life. You’re lucky you have a property, you have healthy kids, you have a full time job. If this is your biggest issue you’re doing ok. You don’t live together, you aren’t married, you don’t have kids together, you don’t get to have the 50/50 life. After 3 years if someone wasn’t committed to me & my kids I’d be gone.

You don’t actually live together though op and don’t share finances, he is allowed to go and see his mother, and doesn’t need to take you and your children with him.

I suspect he didn’t mention it as he knew you’d want to tag along. But in going, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, he hasn’t even organised it a member of his family has.

They'd talked about doing this trip together, and now he's booked it just for himself without telling her. Of course he should have given her a heads up, and had a proper grown up conversation about it. It's not that difficult a concept.

I think it's fine, he's visiting his mother & what on earth has his birthday got to do with it. If I wanted to visit my mother I would expect to without a partner getting in a mood about it and saying they couldn't ' get past it. Sounds ridiculous. You have children, why wouldn't you be looking after them, it's quite normal.

Talk through any feelings his GF has about him seeing his own mother and spending time with his family?

Riiiiiight...

You’re delusional.
You don’t actually live together. He comes to your place every night.

You’re not engaged. You have no joint accounts.

You need to have a conversation about what’s going on and if you’re. Not living together and sharing bills and no plans for the future - stop being stupid.

I'm finding all the "you are being unreasonable" responses really depressing. Of COURSE he should have talked about it with you; that's the sign of a mature and loving relationship - even if it's just to let you know what his plans are and talk through any feelings you might have about it.

I hate to say it but you may have plans for a future together, and you may spend a lot of time together, but after three years you're just dating. You're not engaged, nor have you committed to living together. So whilst you might be disappointed, both of you can make your own plans. You might want to have a frank discussion about how serious the relationship is.

@xRobin I actually don't think it's harsh and I do believe this behaviour is controlling.

If I had a boyfriend who I had been with for 3 years who had two children that weren't mine, we didn't live together, didn't share finances (but I still contributed to the household and paid more on top), weren't even engaged and he gave me a hard time over booking a break away with my family (or for any other reason for that matter) that would be a hug red flag and I would run a mile.

If roles were reversed here and OPs boyfriend was guilting her about taking a break to go see her Mom and her BF was moaning that he was going to be left at home with his own children we would all be saying that this is incredibly controlling behaviour and to rethink the relationship.

I’d be completely thrown if my partner booked a holiday without discussing it, mostly because I’d have been impressed he knew how to 😂

In fairness, the boyfriend’s sister did all the arranging, so he didn’t even have to do that!

I think the last part of this is quite harsh.
We only have small snippets of their life through what OP has shared, it doesn’t come across as controlling to me.
It seems there may be some insecurities and not a lot of open communication from her partner.
He deserves to go away with his family but OP deserves communication from her partner.

I’d be completely thrown if my partner booked a holiday without discussing it, mostly because I’d have been impressed he knew how to 😂