Surely I'm not the only one...

Tell him he needs to wear budgie smugglers, get a six pack, and a penis extension if you're talking about personal physical improvement?!

OK stop giving him the silent treatment, he's behaved like a dick but it won't help.

You need to tell him what you will no longer do in order to make time for yourself. I would relinquish all responsibility for your MIL, it's not your fault she can't drive and you have 4 children to look after. Not doing his breakfast is another reasonable thing to drop. Add other things to the list as you see fit and tell you won't tolerate him insulting your appearance.

He's taking you for granted, making his life a little less comfortable might teach him to appreciate you more.

The thing that struck me was
“he’ll get himself a takeaway”
not get you all one, not try and lighten your load but only sort himself out

he doesn’t see himself as part of the family does he

So... He thinks you're exhausted TO ANNOY HIM?

Please don't do any of his washing, cooking or cleaning, organising his appointments, presents... and he needs to do 50% of bed times, wake-ups, breakfasts etc. You know, the times when you're doing stuff unnecessarily purely for the purpose of tiring yourself out to annoy him.

Or does he have a better solution for you being tired? I'd genuinely love to hear it.

Your last sentence is a really poor excuse. He does not have to stop being a father when he stops being a partner. Even better, he can have them 50% of the time and you will have ample opportunity to take care of yourself. Just like he wanted.
You also can absolutely afford to leave. Remember that your assets are shared.

Just remember that you are showing your daughters what a healthy relationship should look like. Do you want them in similar relationships when they are older? If you have any sons, do you want them to grow up thinking that's how you treat women?

Can we stop with the "helping". He is not helping you. He is cleaning the house the bloody lives in and he is parenting the children he fathered. Don't minimize his responsibilities by calling it "helping" because that makes them optional. They are not!
Of course you have lower libido. Who wants to fuck a guy after washing his pants all weeks and serving him dinner like he is a 5 year old.

I would buy the mist expensive pj's I could find as it's his treat. Then I would wear little nighties to bed too but still sleep with DD.

He had a go at you for wearing PJs in bed??

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so idiotic in my life!

A woman could wear an actual bin bag and men would still find them attractive.

OP you say you can’t leave him but I would be getting your ducks in a row asap as this sounds like he’s going to leave you soon.

It’s pretty common that when an OW is on the scene, things like this start happening.
He may not be having an affair but he’s definitely had his head turned and he’s annoyed that you are not her.

YANBU.

I would tell him paying for a cleaner and him dealing with his parents would be much better than buying a pair of pyjamas- especially as Dior/Chanel charge a lot for nightwear.

Put him in a bin bag.

So.. he fell asleep early then complained you were tired?

OP, do not imagine for a second that your reaction is unreasonable.

Your DH is an ignorant selfish git. He deserves a right hook to the chin, followed by six weeks cooking his own supper before sleeping in the bath.

How do you put up with him? Or possibly, why do you put up with him?

I expect he wanted you to finish helping his mum, make all the kids lunches and then climb into bed in lingerie, fully made up and ready to please him. Does he like Andrew Tate by any chance?

But every now and then he has to moan about the lack of commitment by me in terms of the way I dress to bed and Its not always about the sex to apparently
does he come to bed all well dressed and scrubbed? Or is this dickhead of a man in dirty baggy underpants and an old t shirt? Or something equally normal for most people. Ok maybe not the dirty underpants.
Anyway your pyjamas seem positively elegant compared to the old scrubs that I liberated from work years ago that I wear.

I would ask him to take a week off work and have the family . Or a long weekend. Because he can then see what you do. Explain your leave notes on how the washing machine works etc and your of for a spar weekend .

Then say after this experiment ..let's have a nice dinner and talk on a way forward.

He will either 1) lie and say it was fine but pay everyone to do it for him

Or 2) say no way

Or 3) say you've proved your point

Please stop doing everything and find some you time. Learn the word no and I'm sure things like MIL apts she can get hospital transport, a bus or taxi or her son take her and remember who you are.

Your h is a male chauvinistic pig with no respect for women.

Only you can set boundaries to change the way you accept disrespect

Hope things change for the better soon

This is awful and so hurtful.

I’ve had many a period where I’ve lived in oodies and pyjamas when I’ve not needed to leave the house (I’m not proud of this 🤣) and my husband couldn’t care less.

He's hugely unreasonable after you do all that! Does he go to bed all dressed up for you?
He sounds a bit of an idiot tbh

will help with house work if needed.

When is it not needed?! There's always washing, washing up, tidying, wiping down, etc etc to be done. Do you mean if you have only had time to do 95% of it?

I would be incredibly depressed that I'd married an absolutely selfish piece of shit if my dh complained about me being tired or looking unfashionable. Genuinely. It shows A LOT to feel you can say that to someone who does everything for 6 people.

In our house if one of us is looking hanging then the other one is usually offering to do the school run so the other doesn't have to.

In our worst argument (close to breaking up for the last year), dh said when we were first dating I’d bought nice nightdresses and looked after myself more. I lost it- hadn’t had a haircut in two years (actually I’d cut my own hair to save money!). Kids had each others hand me downs, my best fitting clothes were two pairs of tracksuit bottoms he’d bought me, the rest didn’t fit except two misshapen skirts I bought about 15 years ago. (Tbf he didn’t buy clothes either!). I said ‘you want me to buy frillies when I aim for whatever fits onto my body every day?’ Men are really eejits when it comes down to that kind of crap- they don’t see that the person they fell in love with looks wise let themselves go because of them- to save money, to help them out in every aspect of their lives. Ridiculous. Hope it improves for you op x

How much effort is he making to look attractive and sexy for you, then? I'm going to guess very little.

He shouted and swore at you because, after you've run ragged literally all day looking after HIS kids and HIS house and HIS mother and cooking HIS dinner, you didn't feel like dressing in sexy lingerie and shagging him? Seriously, this man is a piece of absolute shit. I don't care that he's the main breadwinner. He is not entitled to have a go at you because you're tired and he doesn't like your bloody pyjamas.

Pyjamas or not, a man like that would make my fanny snap shut like a bulldog clip.

What is surprising about your libido being low when you do all that and the lazy fucker sits and relaxes all evening after his dinner is handed to him?

No idea why you had 4 children with this man. Tell him the only turn on you know of would be him getting off his stinking hole and being a man and a dad!!