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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

215 replies

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:01

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

OP posts:
Twirlywurly2 · 20/01/2025 19:53

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:17

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

Show quote history

Yea I get it. It's very hard work if they're home.
Definitely get a Tesco delivery. You're in charge of it, your call. If he moans about the substitutions he can go out and get what he wants himself.

Something I find annoying is the fact that on an evening the jobs are all 'in the moment'. My DH used to moan that I had the whole day to do stuff but I have had to firmly remind him I can't cook tea, clean up after, bath the kids and get them to bed at 2pm in the afternoon! I need help with these as they all happen in a 2 hour window. He's much better now thankfully.

Lovelynames123 · 20/01/2025 19:51

XH was like this, notice the X bit! We now have the dc 50/50 so he really had to step up, and admitted to me several years later that he had been a dickhead about it all.

You need to ignore his huffing and address this sharpish, otherwise resentment will set in and you'll realise you might as well do it all alone, but with a proper break when it's his time to have the kids

Summerhillsquare · 20/01/2025 19:50

"You've been at work all day? Haven't we all! But life must go on if we're to eat/have clothes to wear/bring up children."

Rinse and repeat til the selfish twat gets it.

beAsensible1 · 20/01/2025 19:49

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:41

Thanks, I’m glad it’s not just me thinking this! I’ve suggested he watches the DC while I do the shopping, but he always acts like it’s a massive inconvenience. It’s like he thinks his gym time is a priority, but anything I want to do is optional. Definitely going to have another talk about this.

Show quote history

OP you doing the shopping is not a bloody hobby and shouldn't count as your free time. He shouldn't get 2 hours of gym and you get 2 hours of tesco time. It just cements the idea that the wife work is your optional hobby.

And if he hates the online substitutions then he should go instore shopping himself

Alalalala · 20/01/2025 19:47

He’s a sexist arsehole. I agree that you need to push back - stop folding his clothes if he doesn’t want to do his share. When he’s doing the bedtime, leave. Explain to the selfish prick that evenings and weekends should be split 50/50 in terms of workload and downtime.

What a wanker.

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 20/01/2025 19:47

Weekends need to be divided 50/50 when it comes to household stuff and dealing with the kids. If he wants to arse around with his car and his mates on Saturday fine, but you get Sunday to yourself

diddl · 20/01/2025 19:46

If he doesn't want a shop delivery-why doesn't he do the shopping?

With the kids as that how you do it & you could have some time to yourself.

If not, then you get a delivery!

NameChanges123 · 20/01/2025 19:46

Octopies · 20/01/2025 19:04

I honestly don't understand the 'I've been at work all day' argument. If he was single, presumably he'd still have to go to work and do all his own laundry. It's not like you were asking him to make a start on a long strenous task after a day at work.

Only people who've not spent a day looking after the kids think their paid employment is the toughest thing in the world.

OrangeKettle · 20/01/2025 19:44

Divorced my ex who was like this. Now have a partner who goes above and beyond, even though they’re not his children.

No, OP. Your DH is not being fair. He’s being an ignorant twat.

pinkfondu · 20/01/2025 19:44

Stop leaving it when he gets huffy.

theemmadilemma · 20/01/2025 19:42

Nope, nope, nope.

Now we are childfree by choice. The other day DH had just finished a long stressful day (wfh) and I mentioned something about us being childfree.

He commented that he was so bloody glad, because he knew damn well that if I'd been looking after the children all day, then my expectation would be that he would then be starting.

If he knows that, and understands that, your DH has a long way to go.

MyrtleLion · 20/01/2025 19:42

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:17

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

Show quote history

We never did substitutions as it was easier to pop back for a few bits or go to the corner shop than live with them.

Just do an online delivery.you're saving all the bag packing and driving time as well as the picking off the shelves time.

Iamoldandwearpurple · 20/01/2025 19:41

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:17

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

Show quote history

Sorry, let me get this straight..he doesn't do the shopping. Doesn't split the chores fairly and then whinges over something that makes your manic schedule easier.... I don't like the c-bomb but he is a proper CUNT.

Original poster
intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:41

Han86 · 20/01/2025 19:14

Agree YANBU. If he is having time to go to the gym and do his hobby playing around with the car, then you need time out too. Why can't he watch the children while you do the shopping? He needs to step up.

Thanks, I’m glad it’s not just me thinking this! I’ve suggested he watches the DC while I do the shopping, but he always acts like it’s a massive inconvenience. It’s like he thinks his gym time is a priority, but anything I want to do is optional. Definitely going to have another talk about this.

OP posts:
jolies1 · 20/01/2025 19:40

He works FT - let’s say 9-5. You work PT and are on childcare duty 9-5.

So childcare & household tasks from 6pm onwards is split 50/50. Same with weekends. He gets his down time, so do you.

bathroomadviceneeded · 20/01/2025 19:38

Yes your DH is being unfair. Absolutely ridiculous to expect that amount of ‘me time’ or time to recharge with two young DC. You will grow resentful really quickly if something doesn’t change.

Start taking charge of the situation. He doesn’t like the substitutions in online grocery shops? Tough. He can eat cereal. He doesn’t want to help fold laundry? Ok fine, his clothes don’t get washed. Don’t allow yourself to be treated as the house maid.

You need to literally leave the house as he does bedtime. ‘Ok honey, you’ve got the kids, great! I’m off to the gym’. And just leave. Turn off your phone. The house can always wait, laundry can always be done later. Time for yourself and your health etc. are so precious and they are the first thing to go with young kids.

BrieAndChilli · 20/01/2025 19:33

When i worked part time, and had preschool children. I would fo what i could during the day (and yes some days the house looked like a bombsite as kids had needed more attention etc). When DH was home then things were generally split 50/50 so one of us would bath the kids whilst the other did the dishes after dinner. Weekends if there was lots to do one of us might take the kids to the park whilst the other did a chore. Or we woudl do chores together and then take the kids out somewhere.

It doesnt last forever, the kids are teens now and DH wfh whilst i work FT out of the house so DH probably does more little kobs like sweeping the floor or dishes etc dhring the day whilst i do more deep cleaning on the weekend. Whilst i used to do most of the cooking when the kids were little so it was ready when DH got hole from work, now DH or one of the kids will cook so when i get home its almost ready.

doesnt sound like your DH is acting as a family unit with everyone getting equal amounts of chill time.

Endofyear · 20/01/2025 19:30

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:17

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

Show quote history

Let him moan or go to the shop himself if he doesn't like it. He has two small children and that means his weekends are not his own time to relax and do what he likes! You need to agree a fair division of free time - if he takes Saturday morning then you take Sunday morning etc. He doesn't get to leave you looking after the little ones on your own all weekend.

JenniferBooth · 20/01/2025 19:24

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2025 19:17

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad.

Without fail, every single thread about a useless no mark bloke who got lost on his way back from 1955 invariably has the disclaimer about him "not being a bad dad". It's almost a benchmark of how awful the bloke is.

A good dad doesn't assume that his wife is a domestic slave. He's not a good dad.

As a PP mentioned, you need to go back to FT work and then you won't have to deal with this shit, he will.

No he wont Blokes like this still dont step up

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/01/2025 19:22

My DC were older when I went back to work part time and unfortunately xDH and I never got on the same page with this and are no longer together. He was even working from home and still wouldn't help out!

He needs to he told its not fair and either you figure it out between you or its going to be a slippery slope to resentment and divorce

Original poster
intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:17

Twirlywurly2 · 20/01/2025 19:08

I think we need a bit more info. Is your DD in nursery full time? For example. What are you doing on your 3 days off? I'd be doing your Tesco shop then, or get it delivered for example.

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2025 19:17

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad.

Without fail, every single thread about a useless no mark bloke who got lost on his way back from 1955 invariably has the disclaimer about him "not being a bad dad". It's almost a benchmark of how awful the bloke is.

A good dad doesn't assume that his wife is a domestic slave. He's not a good dad.

As a PP mentioned, you need to go back to FT work and then you won't have to deal with this shit, he will.

cestlavielife · 20/01/2025 19:16

Do your Tesco shop online
No one needs to take toddlers shopping
Delivery or click and collect

toomuchfaff · 20/01/2025 19:15

he’s not a bad dad.

No, dont let him off. Anyone can be good when around kids for 20 minutes, as long as they have time to “recharge”

He's a terrible partner and father because he'd rather spend his time go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car rather than making sure his family are catered and happy.

Horses7 · 20/01/2025 19:14

He needs to step up to the plate - you both work hard and he needs to do his share.