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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

215 replies

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:01

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 20/01/2025 20:49

It's unfair. Depending what the job is, watching 2 small children and looking after a household is much more tiring than work. I use work to unwind! I suspect your DH knows it and is just one of those people happy to shift work onto others as any opportunity.

My DH and I work and then split what's left to do in terms of childcare 50/50. We try and take it in turns to keep it fair so one person's not running around doing cooking and baths every night while the other has their feet up.

I'd tell you partner it's time to swap and he can do PT and have ALL of his non-work time consumed with housework and childcare and while you get to sit around and 'recover' from your work. See if he jumps at that opportunity.

fairycakes1234 · 20/01/2025 20:48

SheridansPortSalut · 20/01/2025 20:32

"To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids..."

We need to look at how we are defining what makes a bad Dad. If he's avoiding pulling his weight and spending time with them then he is a bad Dad.

If you did what he's doing how do you think you would be judged as a mother?

She's already said he's not a bad dad, she'd kind of know better than you with all due respect

ClairDeLaLune · 20/01/2025 20:46

Fucking hell these type of threads are so common on here and are so depressing. Is your DH from the 1950s? No? Then he needs to pull his fucking weight. Equal down time is the only way to split it. How can he with any conscience sit around in the evenings whilst you’re still slaving away? Twat. And he should at the very least have the kids so you can do the supermarket shop in piece. Taking kids to supermarkets is pleasurable for no-one. He needs to shape up.

Teanandtoast · 20/01/2025 20:45

He's being totally unfair.
I think a real frank conversation is needed. When he's home, you need a plan to divide childcare and household tasks between both of you and rest time and time out of the house for both of you too. Xx

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/01/2025 20:45

What makes me laugh is that with men like this if they're with the kids they can't do anything else as that takes their entire attention, yet they expect that if the woman has the children she is also expected to be a multi tasking goddess at the same time! So which is it? It's either easy looking after children in which case dp can tidy at the same time, or it's fucking hard so give the woman a break and help out! I've shut dp down with this in the past and tbh the only thing that made lasting changes was me being gravely ill and him having to do EVERYTHING for days. Only then did he truly GET it.

GivingitToGod · 20/01/2025 20:44

YANBU OP but I am not optimistic about him changing his mindset.

BlueScrunchies · 20/01/2025 20:39

I would be fully consumed with rage if my partner treated me like this! I can’t abide shirkers, especially when the thing they are shirking is a joint responsibility.

DP is great with baby, we share evening and weekend duties, giving each other space to take me time when needed - hair appt, seeing friends, going to football etc… He does his bit at the weekends, he does occasionally need a push but never refuses if I ask him to do something. We mostly parent together because kids are exhausting 🤣

I couldn’t accept being treated like I am lesser, and nor should you! He needs to take a look at his attitude and ask himself where his judgements and biases and come from. Then accept it’s 2025 and not the dark ages!

Volumedelachanel · 20/01/2025 20:37

sweetpickle2 · 20/01/2025 20:24

He’s not a good dad. Or a good husband, or even a good person. A good person doesn’t treat the person they’re supposed to love like a skivvy.

However, you need to stop being a doormat too. Tell him he has to do his own bloody laundry or just stop doing it- if you keep doing it for him he’ll keep letting you!

Someone as selfish as him won’t change of their own free will- he needs a shock. Stop running round after him, and tell him if he doesn’t step up you’ll leave and then he’ll have to do 50% of everything whether he likes it or not.

All of this. He sees you as a domestic appliance. I cannot believe women are having to put up with this sort of attitude in this day and age. From their husbands!

GrumpyPanda · 20/01/2025 20:36

Twirlywurly2 · 20/01/2025 19:56

Why is it clear?

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Because OP has said so?

Cherrysoup · 20/01/2025 20:36

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:17

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

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Then how about he bloody does it? Useless creature he is!

thescandalwascontained · 20/01/2025 20:35

Your job is not 24/7 while his his office hours.

Tell him he'll have the kids half the time and NO time to himself during that time if you tell him to get to fuck over his inability to recognise this and step up and do his share.

His share during evenings and weekends. Not 'helping' you, but his share.

Machachacha · 20/01/2025 20:34

OP, your husband is a selfish arse.
Stop doing anything for him.
Certainly no laundry.
Let him eat cereal.
Your expectations must be very low that you have allowed this to fly.
Any man behaving like this is a shit husband and father.

Change things while you can.
Soon the sight of him will rightly disgust you.

SheridansPortSalut · 20/01/2025 20:32

"To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids..."

We need to look at how we are defining what makes a bad Dad. If he's avoiding pulling his weight and spending time with them then he is a bad Dad.

If you did what he's doing how do you think you would be judged as a mother?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 20/01/2025 20:30

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 20:22

Exactly! I’ve said this to him before if he’s so picky about the shop, he can go and do it himself with the DC. That’s how I do it, so it’s only fair. But of course, he always has an excuse about being “too busy” or needing to “relax.” I think I just need to put my foot down and get a delivery he’ll have to deal with the substitutions like the rest of us!

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If he's too busy or needs to relax tell him what they tell little kids, you get what you get and you don't get upset.

He's being a selfish dickhead. Equal downtime is what's fair. I'd leave his laundry entirely and any other jobs you do that benefit just him. If he's not going to be a team player then he doesn't get the advantages of being a team. XH was like this, though he's also abusive, amazingly all those things he couldn’t possibly do with the kids and the house he can do them now he has to. He could be lazy and taking the piss in which case you may be able to change things by taking time for yourself and those other things PP have suggested. He could also be an arsehole who will put his 'need' for down time before being married and in a family. XH would rather be divorced than pick up after himself and share the load fairly. He got angry and nasty when his down time was threatened, then he got abusive.

Right now your DH is putting his 'need' for down time ahead of you, ahead of your mental and physical health and ahead of family. He's not a good dad. Good dads share the load and want to do so, and want to spend time with their kids.

Gottastoppostingsomuch · 20/01/2025 20:30

I think you need to arm yourself with a list, on the fridge or somewhere very clear, and have a chat about your weekend schedule a few days before. This is what needs doing, when did you want to go the gym, how long for, this is how long I need you to have the children for to do the food shop, this is when I’m going etc. Then it’s clearly a joint responsibility (not that you should need to point this out).

He’s being outrageous and treating you like a doormat but unfortunately some men will push the absolute limits of what they can get away with until challenged (said from experience as a SAHM!). Also, tell him from now on you are doing an online shop, unless he wants to do it himself (but to budget and properly, not a half baked attempt..). (And don’t put his clothes away, leave them in a pile. You are not his maid or his mother. Repeat that to yourself continuously!!)

Zanatdy · 20/01/2025 20:29

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:17

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

Show quote history

I have a delivery every week from tesco and I can count on one hand the amount of subs i’ve had in 6 months. Say no to subs and just pop out for those few things instead of a full shop. Its far easier, my kids are older now but i’ve been ordering online for years. Nothing would persuade me to go to the store for a full shop, if i had young children absolutely no way.

sweetpickle2 · 20/01/2025 20:29

Schrodinger’s workload is incredible @Inertia

Inertia · 20/01/2025 20:27

Childcare is like Schrodinger’s workload for these men- it’s a ‘day off’ when mum is at home caring for the children, but at the same time so incredibly taxing that it couldn’t possibly be managed by a man who has sat in an office all day.

Why are his working days M-F 9-5, but yours are 24/7?

Get a supermarket delivery. He can put up with what comes, or go himself, or parent while you go.

CheekyHobson · 20/01/2025 20:27

Fucking hell, the patriarchy just won't quit, will it.

Cnidarian · 20/01/2025 20:26

Oh but he IS a bad Dad

diddl · 20/01/2025 20:26

I mean if the shopping is what you do then it's up to you how you do it imo.

Who do substitutions mainly affect?

I'm thinking the one who does the meal planning & cooking.

Leaning towards that also being the person who shops!

Rtmhwales · 20/01/2025 20:25

I’m so tired of these men that I read about. DH and I have 4 kids: 10, 8, 6 and 6 months. He works full time. I’m on maternity leave. Yesterday I said, “right, we need to clean this house” so he said he’d take the main floor and I could take the upstairs. And then he proceeded to take the baby with him and clean whilst entertaining her.

He parents all the time. The moment he gets home from work, he’s with the kids and then takes a breather to have a shower or start prepping dinner. We trade off on weekends to each get some me time. We also clean and do stuff with the kids.

Tell DH to stop being so lazy.

JenniferBooth · 20/01/2025 20:25

Crunchymum · 20/01/2025 20:21

So he won't watch the kids whilst you shop, he won't come with you all / go alone and he doesn't want you to do an online shop?

I mean this isn't just leaving you to do the lions share, this is actively making your life harder.

And this is just one example?

Reads to me like hes using the kids to try and control OP

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/01/2025 20:24

intpark21 · 20/01/2025 19:41

Thanks, I’m glad it’s not just me thinking this! I’ve suggested he watches the DC while I do the shopping, but he always acts like it’s a massive inconvenience. It’s like he thinks his gym time is a priority, but anything I want to do is optional. Definitely going to have another talk about this.

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Your problem is "you've suggested it". Just tell him "Wednesday, I will be going shopping so don't book anything in your diary please". He can go to the gym when kids are in bed or he needs to limit it.