to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

I don’t know about Tesco but Sainsbury you can reject a substitution or tick a box that if they haven’t got it they don’t substitute.

if you can do that I’d consider it, then he can go and get anything that didn’t come or was rejected on his way back from the gym.

as previous posters yes you need to push back a bit and make time for yourself, phone off and go out. I remember posters saying they got a coffee and sat in their car scrolling on their phones for thirty mins before doing the shopping, blaming the long time on the busy store.

A word of warning though- if you are transferring him a job try and truly transfer it and don’t try and ‘help’. If he is well intentioned in doing it, then he will feel undermined. If he is doing it half heartedly then it’s another let off for him and potentially will just cause arguments. Good luck with it OP- hope he proves us all wrong and turns into dad/husband of the year!

I’d stop referring to those days as your ‘days off’, including in your own head. They’re not days off they’re your days doing childcare by the sounds of it. Seems like he thinks of them as your days off as well. Hope you are able to have a conversation with him. Could you ask him (non confrontationally) what he thinks your days at home are like? Does he have some kind of unrealistic vision of you having loads of down time in the week?

I think you should totally start ordering your shops if you would prefer and let him complain about the substitutions. He can go to the shops if he wants to! Maybe also consider being more assertive with making plans for yourself, eg weekend plans with a friend and tell him he’s got the kids. I know that’s easier said than done.

OP, you’re agreeing with everyone here but are you actually going to make a stand? Because your husband is treating you like total shit.

I'd just say be wary of using a 'weekend off' as the main tactic here. While he'd undoubtedly find it hard work, it's easier to make a show of 'stepping up' for a bit occasional and going all out to prove a point (possibly with help for half a day here and there from grandma). It's all good while it lasts but not likely to happen that often. Whereas a regular 2-3 hours free on a weekday evening, or a Sunday morning, can be more useful and more refreshing to you, and is harder for him to either wriggle out of or make a big performance of week in week out. Think about slices of time you can make the most of.

If doing a weekend away make sure both sets of parents can’t help him out as most men ask mum to step in and help them

Do you think for one minute this man will step up and do 50-50 not a chance will he.

will he listen or just nod to appease you.
will he change for a few days and revert back
will he act shocked at any requests from you.

I’ll bet all of the above

Yeah he’s being unreasonable but I think there is a way to keep everyone happy and refreshed. DH and I have exactly the same set up as yous with similar age kids. When he gets home at 6pm he takes over the kids, does play time, bath etc while I stick an EarPod in and run around doing the jobs that need done. Yes technically he’s still not doing that work but I’m happy with this, by that point I could do with a break from hide and seek and Barbie’s and he gets some quality time with them. That way all the daily chores are done for the kids going to bed and we can both relax after a hard day. Obviously there are still some bigger jobs that need to wait for the kids going to bed but certainly not every night and yes he will help.

at the weekend we get a morning each to do as we please then the afternoons are family time, obviously we flex on this if we have plans but generally speaking he gets Saturday morning and I get Sunday. It works well for us, could you suggest something like this?

Don't accept any substitutions and top up if necessary by quick shopping.

"He won't allow you"??????
So he's controlling you too??

I think your relationship bar is so low you don't know just what a selfish abusive prick you are living with.

Start telling family and friends the truth.
He wants you exhausted and run ragged, ground down to nothing.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.
Tell those that care about you just how controlling he is.

He is anything but a good man.

Suggest he goes and does it himself then.

I'd definitely make the point that if you were to separate, he would have to step up considerably - he'd have to do his own cooking/cleaning/laundry/shopping etc. on top of looking after his kids 50% of the time so really, the choice is his. Step up now and there's no need to separate, or separate and he'll have to step up...either way, he has to step up and can't be the Disney Dad he currently is, only dealing with the 'fun stuff' with the kids and doing nothing else.

He needs to take on the shopping or the washing wholesale - take one big task off your hands.
If you get a delivery you can just choose no substitutions or reject them at the door. Often you get a better product or size for the price of the original.

Perhaps send him to Tesco with the kids so that he can do the shopping - you get some quiet time to yourself for as long as that takes.

He won’t let you?

sorry OP but you have I think walked yourself into this and you need to walk yourself out
Onlinr shopping happens
Equal recharge time - you are tired to and he steps up

or just stop doing his stuff for him

What on earth is he moaning about. I get Tesco delivered every week and might get a substitution once in a blue moon. Stop being so passive and do what helps you. If he doesn’t like Tesco deliveries then he can do the shopping himself.

You're absolutely right. If I were avoiding my responsibilities like he is, I'd be seen as a "bad mum" in a heartbeat. It’s frustrating that society seems to hold mums to a different standard. If I’m doing everything for the kids and the house, while he gets off lightly with the "fun" bits, then how can I not feel resentful? It's time for him to step up, or yes, he isbeing a bad dad

Well, yes, he's a thoroughly shit dad. And a shit husband. Happy to buy his free time with your exhaustion. But op, it was you, and only you, who has called him a good dad on this thread! He is not in any way, shape or form a good dad.

I honestly don’t know how things got so out of balance

Because it was easier and quicker to do it yourself rather than do the emotional work of getting him to do his share. And he took advantage.

You should get into a simple routine with some of this stuff so there is no wriggling out of it for him. Eg each of you gets one lie in at the weekend. Each gets X hours downtime. Argument that he needs/deserves more relaxing time is nonsense. When he's at work he's only responsible for himself- that's very relaxing! He should take at least one tedious household job. As he seems to be so interested in grocery shopping, perhaps he could take this on himself along with meal planning? My DH does our online shop and actually enjoys it- he sets himself a cost target to come under each week and I just review and add anything I need before he checks it out.

No, you're not being unreasonable at all and he needs to massively pull his socks up. All childcare and housework should be 50/50 outside of "working hours" so whenever he's not at his work outside the home basically. He can schedule his extra curricular activities or down time when there isn't other things to be done. And you should also get an equal amount of free time too.

But this is coming from me, a stay at home parent who was once told on Mumsnet that I was lazy because I expected this from my partner and "only" cleaned up after the kids and myself during the day. When I was at home with 3 kids under 5 and was also pregnant 😂