to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

I'm female with 5 children and was a stay home parent until the youngest went to school

i had a mantra towards the end (i'm divorced, he was a cunt) that any job that he would have to do for himself if he were single, was a shared job. I was not his fucking maid.

So cleaning, laundry, food shopping, cooking.

It got to the point i stopped doing any of that for him and just dealt with myself and the kids, and our cooking/laundry because he wouldn't cop on.

When i left he soon learned how hard juggling kids, job, and housework was on the weeks he had the kids.

Did you time travel and pluck him out of the 50's? 😆YANBU. I certainly wouldn't be going to the supermarket with 2 toddlers while he pisses about at home. He needs to get a grip, life changes once you have kids, for everyone, not just the mother.

Erm shopping is still work and not me-time.

Yes what happened op?

I agree with everyone else. No real advice as I didn't manage to make mine step up. But I can say that he missed out (as I did all the stuff for DS) and he's nowhere near as close to him as I am now he's an adult.

Plus I stopped doing stuff that was purely for H. So no washing, sorting laundry, reminders of family birthdays etc.

I’m getting on this hill with you.

I’m a SAHM and I home educate my autistic daughter. My husband works FT. He comes home from work and cooks tea, cleans the kitchen, walks the dogs, takes DD swimming/trampoline park and I either do some other jobs or chill out.

Show this to your DH. He is useless and needs to stop acting like a teenager.

I wouldn't bother telling him anything. Actions speak louder.

First of all, do an online shopping order. Make sure it arrives at a time when he is in and you are conveniently not on hand/ in the toilet/bath. Tough if he doesn't like it. If he moans tell him he can pick up what he needs.
Then work out when you would like to go to the gym or swimming or whatever you like. If he goes out on Saturday, then maybe you can go on Sunday. Maybe meet up with a friend for lunch as well. I reckon golf is more than a few hours? Take the same amount of time. Or maybe even do it on Saturday late afternoon/early evening when he comes in, as then he can do bedtime. Be ready as he walks in the door, wave cheerily and be on your way. Don't ask or explain, just say you're going for your exercise session and get out that door.
Same thing re washing, you don't need to discuss it, just don't do his.
My guess is that you have naturally gone along with he wants and automatically take his preferences into account. You don't have to. Go with your own preferences. No need for fuss or arguments, just do what you want, like he does.

Me and my husband sat down and wrote down EVERYTHING, laundry folding dishwasher cleaning bins recycling DIY pets doctors appointments school run shopping etc and put the amount of minutes /hours that it takes weekly, plus my PT work 27h and his FT 48h. Then got split 50/50.
It turns out I was doing around 90h a week of work or more.
It worked ❣️

Please join this group, it will help: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879/?ref=share

He's a bugger.

I'd call him on it.

They're not days off.
She is caring for her children.
There is no obligation for all house stuff to be done while he is not there,
Even if she didn't work outside the house at all there wouldn't be.

When I worked pt I did as much asI could while he was at work but once he was home it was a straight 50/50
Went full time when youngest went to school and straight 50:50 from then

This is a hill I am willing to die on:

if a parent doesn’t treat the mother or father of their child with kindness, patience, respect, consideration, empathy and warmth, they, to me, are a bad parent. In fact, I would say that they are abusive.

Love encompasses the qualities above.

@Botanybaby

Are you a man?
Do you have children?

If your answers to the above are no then yes, have you ever worked part time or been a sahp? 😂

I genuinely think there should be a show made out of this, like wife swap. Where the husband is a SAHP or works part time and does all the life admin whilst the mum works full time and does what they want in ‘their free time.’ I would absolutely tune in, and hopefully it would open the eyes of fucking useless men.

Housework wise if you sign up to be a housewife or part time working and home maker the lions share of the housework falls on you as he's contributing financially to allow you that time with the kids and to care for the home

Leaving him to it, by actually going away, is a good strategy, but it has to be for at least 7 nights.
If it is only for a weekend, you will come back to the house being a bomb site, no laundry or tidying done, nothing ready for school next day, he will have fed them on takeaways or frozen pizza, and then will turn round and say it was easy and he doesn't know what you are complaining about.

So it has to be a long enough period for him to really feel the consequences.

It's not inherent in the male nature, it's just that they're allowed to behave like this.

Saying that, fortunately, my DH and his brother have never been like this. They come from a reasonably traditional family background where DF worked and DM stayed home for the early years but they know full well how to look after themselves. When children entered the equation they've done their share of nappies, night waking, feeding, childcare and so forth. They can grocery shop, iron, do washing and cleaning and cooking. Essentially, they're functioning adults.

I'd just not stand for what OP is putting up with. Both people in the marriage are parents and both should handle the responsibilities that come with rearing children and managing a household. If the DH is so incapable, it's time he learned. OP is tired but doesn't get any "me" time and that needs to change.

In my house it all came to a head in lockdown. After a heated discussion when the 2nd UK lockdown loomed, I announced I was returning to the office two days a week and he could choose which two days as he was responsible for the children then. God it was the best thing I did. He found out what it was like in the first lockdown when I was juggling work and childcare.

It worked so well, that I simply just say what I'm planning to do and then discuss around the timing. So I'll announce I'm going to go to the gym once per week and ask when bests suits DH to be solo with the kids.

I go away for the day/weekend often with a hobby group (bit like scouts for adults so loads of meet ups for badges etc) and I'd really recommend finding something that you'd like to do. It's not only building a network outside of your partner but you're not sucked into stepping in (because you're not there). I get a bit of non-mum me back and have experiences that are just mine.

Plus, I'm teaching my son that he needs to see mess and step up, as well as teaching my daughter to expect a partner that does 50%.

Edited to say that DH is now loads better at recognising the wife work that seems to fall my way and he makes good attempts to take that load.

@heyhopotato
Thank you all information is useful.

You can turn off substitutions with Tesco as well.

As they say, a mother who asked her husband to change a nappy is a lazy slut. A father changing his child's nappy is a hero of the century and is celebrated.
It took my DH a while to get used to the "new reality" of sharing the household work and child care.
Once, when I was fed up with everything and complained, he told me: "Why are you behaving like a martyr?"
That was an excellent question and a turning point for me.
After few days of no clean laundry for him, his plates and cups not finding their way to the dishwasher because the magic fairy was on vacation he got the point.
We have shared the care since and he doesn't complain anymore. Sadly, many men don't get it, especially as the general attitude still is that men are "only helping" their wives.

Oh, how I remember this scenario. Asking for any kind of help with laundry, washing up, food prep, child care was always met with 'thats your job' . His mindset never changed, whether I was a SAHM, worked PT or even FT. I had to shoulder the work load. Walked out one day and never went back

@intpark21 It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop

Tinkering with a car is a chore in the same way that doing the shopping or washing is.

Cars don't magically maintain themselves.