I don't know how to have a normal life

Are you under a community mental health team? If so could you ask to be referred to their Occupational Therapist? This is exactly their area to help you with,

If you get like this try some gentle soothing exercise. Google for videos of chi gong, yin yoga or yoga nidra. Also good to take care of your back with gentle back exercises. Looking after future you!

Well done on what you're doing. A close friend has had depression on and of during the many years we have known each other so I have seen what it's like. You are doing really well.

Hey Op 👋..
Well done to you , I suffer from bouts of depression, worst being end of September just gone until middle of November..
I missed work for 6 weeks , just could not face people & I quit the gym ( still haven’t gone back ) ..I went to a local village for my shopping cause I didn’t want to meet anyone I knew down town where I live . Long story short , I know exactly what you are talking about , you’re doing brilliant..x
I live with my children so keeps me busy & I read ..
You should take things slowly, maybe try out a few things & there may be something you might like to do in the evenings/ weekends..
When someone doesn’t feel well mentally, it’s very hard to stay out of one’s head ..
Anyway , you sound like a fighter ..
Wishing you nothing but happiness & Goodness for the future x

@babasaclover Im glad you like my idea,but from your updates i actually get the feeling that you are being too hard on yourself.

What is wrong with being lazy? You dont have to be useful all the time to be allowed to breathe the air on this earth. You dont have to accomplish something every day to tick a worthyness box. Also, there is no normal. Some of us like to stay in pjs all weekend and some of us do a 5k run every morning. Im neither of those, but that's ok too.

I think you might benefit from meditation. To be able to connect with your own inner voice and what it tells you. Check out guided meditations on youtube. They are free. That might be the most useful use of your free time. To stop the noise around you and connect with you.

1. Get outside and move in natural light. Find a beautiful field or wood and walk. Even on a dull day the light will lift your mood, and so will the movement.

2. Talk to people. You can usually sense when someone is good and kind. Smile and make an effort. I don’t want to get too new agey, but you do kind of get back what you put out there. Smile and be kind and the world will return it (to some extent). When you walk, stop and stroke someone’s dog and smile and ask how old it is. Don’t pester or hold them up - even a two second exchange, so long as it’s pleasant, can lift your mood

3. Read the classics. They work on you in a way I can’t explain. Dickens, Jane Austen, George Eliot, D H Lawrence, etc…think of reading them as food for the soul. You go to the gym to help your body, and you read Bleak House to nourish your soul. Even if you find it a grind, keep plugging. I don’t just read for entertainment. Also, listen to audiobooks. Stephen Fry reading P. G. Wodehouse or Sherlock Holmes is bliss. I’d also recommend Brian Blessed reading his own work, Absolute Pandemonium, and Michael Maloney reading Waugh’s Decline and Fall.

4. My final piece of advice is odd, but trust me. Read out loud. When you are home alone, read passages from the classics that lift you. Anything beautiful or joyful. It might be a poem, a passage from Brideshead Revisited, or even an extract from a science or travel book. It doesn’t matter. So long as it’s uplifting, read it out loud. I do this all the time, especially P G Wodehouse (I do a superb Jeeves 😁). Patrick Fermor’s A Time of Gifts is another favourite, and also David Copperfield. A book is a miracle. You have the mind of someone dead for centuries captured/frozen there on the page. And when you read them out loud, that mind is alive in the room with you.

I think it's a struggle to know what is relaxing vs what is wasting time / being lazy

You work full time, go to the gym and have small children (and presumably do housework etc). That's plenty. It would not be at all lazy if you did literally nothing at all for the remainder of your available time (if you have any!).

Only fill your remaining time if you actually want to. If you do, I'd really recommend knitting and/or crochet. They are fun and relaxing but keep you occupied and they feel purposeful because you actually have something you've made!

As you wfh and have the gym, would you consider a more sociable activity? A regular slot volunteering for example could be really good for you and benefit others? Or an evening class one night a week? Fill your diary but do also remember to schedule in downtime. It's OK to relax and watch a film or do a bit of cooking watching Netflix or have a bath and a facepack occasionally.

What helped me tremendously (but may not work for you) was getting an e-bike. I now cycle for miles, have a coffee, cycle home.
I also joined an informal group of other people and go cycling with them once a week.