Did I raise shallow kids?!!

This is probably why they didn't tell you. You don't get any medals for being independant. If a more comfortable lifestyle is available to them, why should they be made to feel bad or like they are 'regressing' for accepting it.

Money can't buy love, but it can buy a new house. I'm with team kids on this.

It's probably the case that they don't want to bite the hand that feeds them. My mother couldn't afford to keep the family home once we became adults and she had to buy my dad out, so I lived with a wealthy relative who happened to be NC with my DM. They would throw thier toys out of the pram if they caught me on the phone to my DM or if they knew I was meeting up with DM. Until I was able to move out I did lose contact with my DM somewhat, but the alternative would have been a dingy bedsit in a rough bit of town or stuck in a far too small house with my DM and feeling like a burden.

I am very close with my DM now, she was hurt at the time but understood I had to do what I did to have a decent standard of living.

Being honest with yourself, if you were in thier position, living in today's world, which parent would you pick?

But they are working. They are not sitting around on their arses. And you know that they can live independently, and do practical things.

If you want to keep a relationship with them then maybe think about how you are coming across to them. Just being super upbeat and positive

How horrible for you but they are early 20s which means there's so hope. Early20s tend to be the most self absorbed time. Keep the contact open and hope that it chances when they mature.

Have faith that ultimately you have instilled the right things in them and they know that you love them. I think at that age, most people would enjoy living in a mansion house and being spoiled. Let their dad buy them property, this will help them out so much in the future. I would probably just ask them if they'd come on holiday with me somewhere or drive up to meet them halfway. If he and his girlfriend are placing 'conditions' on the financial agreements, your children will see through it in time. Hang in there.

It's probably not helpful to think of it in terms of regression. They're being pretty smart! And maybe they're trying to protect you by not continuing the call with you when their father is there.

Have you told them that you would like to see them more often/that you miss them? But be happy for them that they are having it easy just now, still equipped with the skills you've taught them when they need them?

Nothing wrong with wanting better or more for yourself, OP.
I wouldn't say it's shallow, as long as one can use the bit of jealousy to kick start their own arse.
👍

Do you think that perhaps you might be coming across as a bit judgey to them? And that you disapprove of their life choices?

They are working, there's nothing wrong with parents helping their children out.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I suspect their fathers largess is dependent on them all but cutting you off.
They are shallow, its v hard not to raise one like that in todays world. They are hedging their bets on the wealthier parent. They will come back to you, but probably not until they have milked their farther for all he's worth

Ive lived on my own for years and i find it cheaper.

Are you not pleased for them ...
A help on to the housing ladder for my kids would be a weight of my mind
And you have your freedom if they are living with him .
Seems like a win win all round to me

I think it's more likely they are seeking a closer relationship with their father after living with you for most of their lives plus on a practical level they have a nicer house than if they rented. They probably have a slightly Idealised view of him too. (Which will adjust as they live there a bit longer).

Over time I think their relationship with you will rebalance back to one that feels fairer.

Your feelings are 💯 understandable. I'm not there yet but I can see how hard it can be for adult children to forge their own path and the difficulty memories with your former husband make that worse.

It must be common for children in their 20s to be a bit dismissive and lack understanding of what their parents did for them.

I think keep contact light and regular and it will come right over time.

I would expect them to tell you, as their mum, but not him – it was unclear who you thought should be doing the consulting with you (or just telling you, as it's not really a 'consult' conversation).

I can only imagine they didn't tell you because you would give them a hard time about it. That may not be true, but that's usually the reason.

I would bet they will be back with bells on as and when they have children - rich Dads with young GFs are not known for providing practical support and/or childcare.

If they don’t want to meet in the area where they live with their dad, how about proposing a trip somewhere else? You need to keep trying and eventually find a new way to meet up with them on a regular basis.

Does he have to consult with you over buying your adult children homes or them moving in? They are adults and you no longer have any reason to speak to him – isn't it their job to tell you?

I can't blame them for accepting accommodation and homes bought for them? Who wouldn't? I would in a heartbeat. I'm not sure why wanting to live comfortable is shallow. You say they both have jobs, so it's not as if they are absolving themselves of the responsibility to work.

If you feel like your relationship with them is floundering then that's really upsetting, and I can understand that. Do you think they are getting a negative, judgemental and disapproving attitude off of you? That's only going to push them away if so.

OP says she feels jealous and excluded so why wouldn't you believe her about how she feels?