Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

Husband, more people need to hear about this. Why don’t you start a blog.
Or a YouTube channel?
He can talk at his audience to his heart’s content then.
Of course he then might just talk at you about his latest blog, or video…….. Then it’s time to think how peaceful a single life will be.

I hear you. My ex used to tell me all about the tiny details of his day. He used to work in car rental so I'd get the make, model, colour and reg plate of every sodding car he'd dealt with that day. I was bored out of my mind. Divorced him.

I am convinced that my DH is autistic, and he does this to me all the time!
I have addressed it by explaining that I cannot process that amount of information at once.
The other thing he does is start talking about something that we weren’t discussing, and starting in the middle of the stream of consciousness that has been going through his head. It can be quite hilarious when we have been talking about his family, and then he responds to my comment with E.g. one about a robotic lawnmower…
It’s a good job I love him🤣

I work in neuro settings and love the brain, but even I'd be bored to death after 1-2 hours of being talked at about it! (Or any other topic for that matter!)

Does your DH ever ask about things that interest you? Does he have anyone else that shares his interest in neuro stuff who might be better placed to have his chats about it with?

Sorry but could you not just tell him that's all very interesting but then politely tell him you want to talk about something else or the steer the conversation to something else? Or tell him you just want to look at your book?

Mine has ADHD and oh my goodness the hyperfocus….!

He is so passionate about the field he works in (100% hyperfocus put to extremely good use).

How does your husband feel about his diagnosis? For mine it was a huge relief for him to understand why he had struggled (invisibly, outwardly hugely successful), so he laughs about it. I don’t listen to his hyperfocus work waffle and we can joke about it - could you try similar with yours? He genuinely isn’t offended or upset by this though, which I think is key - he recognises it’s part of his ADHD and that it’s not a rejection of him if I don’t want to listen to it for hours….

I suppose the difference is that my husband gets to make lots of money basically talking
to various groups of people all day long who ARE interested and are actively seeking him out for the information, so I suppose this will satiate the infodumping compulsion…

Could your husband engage in something socially (I assume it would have to be online) with a group of people equally interested in this topic? Which would hopefully have the same impact?

You do need to tell him honestly though, ideally in a way that doesn’t offend - you’re almost by the sounds of it a prisoner to his monologues and that’s not a fun way to live. If there’s no way of doing it that won’t offend him, then you’ll have to just offend him…his need to infodump doesn’t top trump your own desires for peace, and a varied conversation!

How is his self awareness/self reflection? Again, my husband’s isn’t great (his own admission!) so he would in this situation need me to tell him (probably bluntly!) that he could talk a glass eye to sleep and that he needs to stop. However, again this wouldn’t offend him! Everyone is different, my husband is better with the direct approach, yours might not be!

I'd tell him (nicely) to pipe down

OP, his "upset" at not being allowed to info dump on you for hours is highly manipulated and will seriously damage YOUR mental health.

Of course this is not normal.
Please deal with it because your marriage will not survive such selfishness.
It is selfish, ND or not.
You cannot allow this to continue.

Don't have more children with him.

I think you should calmly tell him to switch sides and listen to you monologue for two hours about the same subject constantly whether he feels like it or is interested or not. If you want a lecture you will go to open university. Everyone is entitled to mental space and him lecturing you and expecting you to fake enthusiasm for it is actually abusive. It needs to stop. You are entitled to your own likes, interests and inner world. He can take his enthusiasm to the internet and find like-minded brain nerds to share with.

I banned various subjects that DH wanted to drone on about (Elon Musk and Jacob Collier come to mind) and I wouldn't hesitate to say, with a smile, "that's banned". I also used to deploy the response "yes dear" or simply go to another room, decide to sort out the washing, change the beds etc if those things needed doing. Putting the telly on worked quite well but I also refused to watch YouTube and eventually got another telly and armchair in the bedroom especially for him

My husband and my brother both do this. I only speak to my brother a couple of times a month so I just grin and bear it but I live with my husband and it drives me a bit potty. Depending on my mood, I will get on with my own thing and just make occasional "mmhmm" noises, or tell him he's boring me which upsets him but doesn't stop him doing it again. If I'm listening to an audiobook and he starts, it's 50/50 whether I will pointedly pause it, or turn the volume up until he stops talking. I love him, but I do not want to listen to a monologue about his latest hyperfixation.

That sounds awful. He is obviously a bright guy. Can you ask him to sit down with you and have a proper chat about why he can't carry on doing this to you.

Let him get upset. But draw boundaries. Tell him it’s his interest and not yours. And that you find it boring.

He might well listen to you drone on about your fantasy novels once or twice, but he wouldn’t do time after time. Compare what he is doing to this.
if you need to Use a timer and then have exactly the same time to monologue at him. Make him see what he is doing if he won’t listen to you.

I couldn’t cope with this. Even 20 minutes makes you a superhero.

You could make a joke of it. When he pauses for breath butt in and simply say "well enough about me..... how was your day dear?" Big smile. Make the point nicely.

His behaviour would drive me absolutely insane. I'd set a timer on his phone and give him 10 mins on the subject, he needs to be more succinct or find someone interested [or trapped in a dental chair - bet he wouldn't bore the shit out of his patients though] . Your example about talking about fantasy books is completely relevant. He shouldn't be hurt, it's not reasonable to monologue on a subject that someone has zero interest in and then be upset when they zone out.

Why are you wasting your life listening to him drone on for hours about something that doesn’t even interest you?!

Is this really how you want to spend your precious time on this planet???

Just tell him honestly. I am glad you have such a strong interest, but I cannot tolerate listening to so much of this.

Op. I understand. This is my daily situation. So what I do is ask my husband 'do you need me to listen ? Or do you need to off load?'
NEVER EVER BECOME INTERESTED IN THEIR SPECIAL TOPIC!!! this is not a tactic to follow. All that will happen is that 1) he thinks it's ok to continue to talk at you. 2) he isn't actually interested in what you think. This is his chance to show off and talk (and talk). 3) your desire for him will just shrivel up.

Am I the only one who wants to know what his dreams were, and what they meant? 😁

Sounds like cruelty, torture and would make me scream STOOOOOOOOOOP! Is he doing experiments on your brain to test how long it takes for you to explode?!

Gosh this reminds me of the time my ADHD ex husband caused a huge row because I was sat quietly reading a book and not paying any interest in his hyperfixation of the moment, which was taking apart and rebuilding laptops. He was apparently very upset and offended that I didn't care about his interest and the fact that I wasn't paying any attention spoke volumes about my awful selfish character.

I think if he'd taken to monologuing at me as well I would have murdered him instead of simply divorcing him.

Oh, one ear in, another one out, OP.
Don't shorten your life getting angry about this crap.

Ah fair enough about the book, thankyou for explaining.

I understand, but you may have to hurt his feelings a bit here to get him to stop. He will survive! I'd prefer to be embarrassed or hurt temporarily than upset my husband regularly without knowing.

He's not regarding your feelings by banging on for hours. Please intervene firmly for your own self respect and sanity.

You've already said he would only be pretending to listen to you talk about your passions - maybe you could just pretend to listen to him. Especially its
its all Greek to you, see how he likes it

In jest, give him a cardboard cutout of yourself looking attentive and go enjoy your book

Jesus no. You're not a bad wife if you don't want to listen to a daily two hour monologue broadcast, about any subject. No. What gave you that idea?

It doesn't matter if you're ADHD, he's ASD, whatever. It's really rude to monopolise someone's time like this, would you sit compliantly while your child spoke at you for two hours? Your boss? A friend? It's not acceptable, it's rude and ill mannered and completely disregards the other's feelings, and fails to see them as a person in their own right rather than a dump for your information.

We don't do this. It's unreasonable. Stop him immediately and say, I've got ten minutes free now to listen to this, and I'm going to set a timer, so give me the bullet points.

You married him, you didn't sell him the rights to your earholes.

He may be neuro-diverse but it doesn't mean you have to put up with that. Some of my adult neuro-diverse kids need a reality check every now and again!

My dad is autistic and does this a lot too, he will randomly drone on about a certain song he enjoys listening too and will extensively research the band that performed it and just talk relentlessly about random facts that he knows about them, he also does it with other things too, I'm used to it though he's always done it but I know how frustrating it can be when it's not something you yourself are interested in , I just say "dad I don't care about it" usually shuts him up because he genuinely doesn't know it's boring people you have to tell him directly