Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

"Sweetheart, I love you to death, you know I do, but I have absolutely no clue what you are trying to tell me nor do I want to learn, and you're giving me a headache, so please shush now and leave me to read my book!" or words to that effect, worked for me. My husband is a wonderful man but he is a very detail-orientated engineer and I have no clue what he's on about 90% of the time when he's talking about his work. So very early on in our long relationship we established that when I asked how his day was I really didn't care about the minutae of what (and how!) he had built that day and that a brief overview in laymans terms was all that was required. Bless him, I love him to bits!

lol-ing at him being a dentist. He literally has a captive audience. Tell him to save it for his root-canal patients.

I just say "I'm sorry Stace, but what you just said was really boring".
And start a stare off. I always win.

He sounds like an interesting guy, at least he is not on about Arsenal or Man City. That would really bore me.

I’m not generally in favour of giving men microphones but he needs to start a podcast, for your sake.

In the meantime, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to tell him going forward you’ll listen for 30 minutes max on a particular topic before it’s time for him to stop monopolising your time.

He really does not read the room. I think you have been very patient I would be telling him he’s got 5 minutes to summarise the key points!

Tell him that he is not a sensitive communicator. He’s essentially talking at you, not conversing with you. It’s extremely self-indulgent behaviour for him to keep doing this for hours at a time and demanding a captive audience. I genuinely would get up and walk away if someone kept doing this to me again and again and again rather than be effectively pinned in my seat by someone who demands that I must sit and their every word must be attended to. Yeah, tell him to do one.

Mine does this. His specialist subject is the history of 1960s British TV. Anything can set it off and that's it - welcome to his Ted talk on the complete works of Gerry Anderson, or whichever one has been triggered.

Yes, he's ND. I would bet your dentist chap is too. Monologuing can be a thing. As can completely failing to read the room and considering other people. And yes I know not all ND people are like that. But some are.

Just be honest with him. "I love how into this you are but unfortunately my brain just switches off when you talk about the dream stuff. Can we try different topics between us?"

There are certain topics that I literally cannot hold focus on - it's like a shutter slams down in front of my eyes. I've had to be honest with my partner because otherwise I ended up feeling irritated and snapping. Better honesty than me being horrible to him.

Surely you are aware why a person would talk at great length about a niche special interest topic without picking up on the social cues which signal that the other person isn't interested.

Oh goodness, that sounds awful. Good on you for leaving!

This 100%!

My OH is autistic, I’m ADHD and we often have this dynamic. Took us a few years to work out why we were disagreeing all the time and he would get frustrated with my lack of interest. Sometimes I can keep up with him, but if I’m tired or unable to do so we’ve figured out a way of me interrupting that doesn’t end in an argument. I guess it’s a bit like having a safe word. If he’s a great partner in most other ways then it’s absolutely worth working on communication around this issue. One of the things I love about my OH is his passion on various issues…I just can’t (or don’t want to) always keep up with him!

Ask him which parts of the brain are responsible for infodumping.

DH does this and has ADHD. I find him worst first thing in the morning before he has taken his tablet. Hilariously, this morning he came up and said he'd had to turn Chris Evans off because he was going on too much.

What was interesting was when he started medication and found his brain was calmer, he opened up about just how much stuff was constantly going around in his head. It sounded exhausting. We had been married 20+ years at this point and I had no idea.

My DH does this.
Strangely this morning I was talking to him about some ethical/legal question that I had been pondering and wanted his opinion on and he said that it isn’t very pleasant talking about that kind of thing at breakfast and I couldn’t hold back, I just stared at him for a few seconds and told him that I listen to him for hours at all times of the day talking about his electronics nerdy stuff and that he can deal with 5 minutes and an actual question showing that I am interested in his response. He just looked at me and quietly said ok. Brilliant.

Already says he's got ADHD. That is neurodivergent. Do you mean he might be autistic?

You need to tell him how much it upsets you, if you haven't already. Then if he continues, you'll know he is ok putting his needs above yours. You obviously care about hurting his feelings, he needs to care equally about yours.
It may well be hard for him to change the habit of a lifetime, but techniques like a timer, or having an agreed word/phrase you can deploy for him to put a sock in it, might help.
Out of interest, does he monologue like this with friends, family members, neighbours, colleagues? Or does he save it for you?

Tell him that you’ll listen as long as he talks about it with his arm raised straight up above his head. He’s allowed to drop his arm every time he asks you a question/gives you space to speak. When he starts talking again, arm goes up again. If his arm starts aching it might make him realise just how long he’s monologuing for and how uncomfortable it’s making you.

Yeah, my husband is awful at picking up social cues to stop, or rather, he thinks people are being unreasonable for not being as interested in politics and the state of the world as he is. When mostly people just want a catch up and a goss...

I veer between saying 'enough now', or saying I have other things to do, or suggesting we walk the dog....or just drifting off into my own daydreams which I'm quite often happy to do.

But he's not very interested in me or what I'm doing, have done, but I don't take it personally - it's not just me.

Apart from that he's quite kind and loveable.

Sorry not much help - but he doesn't have the right to monologue at you and you could do with establishing some boundaries. And I think it's only going to get worse as he gets older.

I also send mine off to a pub quiz once a week where he talks about what he wants to...

A friend of mine used to recount her dreams at length and debate the meaning thereof. They make no sense, they are boring to anyone else and nobody cares. She has been diagnosed as ASD in adulthood, which explains a lot about her fixations, I suppose. I would be so bored, to tears, by this behaviour. It's so unfair on you. My DH tells me about his job (emergency services, so quite interesting) but we both know when enough is enough, can read the room etc. An hour (up to two!!) would KILL me.

I share the same interests as your Husband and still, I could not listen to this for 2 hours!

This isn’t a subject you’re passionate and it’s unfair to have it shoved down your throat during your wind down time at home.

You cannot be his everything. Adults usually develop different social groups to share aspects of themselves in. For example, I wouldn’t speak to my partner about fashion, that’s a conversation to have with my girlfriends. I wouldn’t speak extensively about renovations with my girlfriends, I’d save that conversation for my partner.

In a nutshell, he needs to find someone else to talk to.

My DH loves to explain things to little old me (with the Oxbridge degree to his 5 CSEs). I find a simple 'Shut up, I'm not interested' works 90% of the time.

No one needs 2 hour nightly lectures, it's incredibly rude and self centred of him.

Why does he think he's more important than you? Does he ask about your DC, your day, your dreams?

I agree that he also definitely does not want her to become an equal participant in these conversations anyway - he might like her eagerly asking questions so he can share more of his 'expertise'. I am absolutely certain that you are right that he wouldn't want her to be interrupting his show with facts and ideas and opinions of her own on the topics.

There has to be a sub-reddit or several for his interest, OP, which would allow him to immerse himself in it and share his thoughts with others without boring you to tears.

I just lol'd at this.

Mainly nd family here. I find it hilarious when my asd dh complains about our nd kids info dumping on him because he's just as bad!