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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

188 replies

eynjln · 20/01/2025 09:14

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:46

TorroFerney · 20/01/2025 12:44

Why can't you just say you are boring me now. You are married, can you not be blunt. Stop saying wow that's interesting as that's a lie!

Show quote history

There are several times I’ve tried to be blunt with other things and he gets very upset, and because this is somewhat harmless I wasn’t sure if I was being a dick feeling this way or if I was supposed to be interested in hearing about it.. as he seems to think so!

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:45

Huckyfell · 20/01/2025 12:44

Shit..... this would bore me senseless. Op - do you have kids? Mine would have told me I was boring and they don't care about this, I would have no audience within 3 seconds of starting and would be told why.
Tell him straight, "look I find this conversation boring, sorry - I know this will upset you, but it is not my area of interest - I love you"

We have 1 toddler!

I think maybe I should speak with him about it when he is not mid ramble. I’m just scared to do it as I feel so guilty about it as I know it will really upset him

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 20/01/2025 12:44

eynjln · 20/01/2025 09:17

I think if I knew anything about what he was talking about I could engage more but I know nothing, so I have nothing to say but “oh wow that’s interesting” 😂 ADHD diagnosed in adulthood

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Why can't you just say you are boring me now. You are married, can you not be blunt. Stop saying wow that's interesting as that's a lie!

Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:44

Thegoatliesdownonbroadway · 20/01/2025 11:05

He sounds like an interesting guy, at least he is not on about Arsenal or Man City. That would really bore me.

I would rather hear about this because I am a city fan 😂

OP posts:
Huckyfell · 20/01/2025 12:44

Shit..... this would bore me senseless. Op - do you have kids? Mine would have told me I was boring and they don't care about this, I would have no audience within 3 seconds of starting and would be told why.
Tell him straight, "look I find this conversation boring, sorry - I know this will upset you, but it is not my area of interest - I love you"

BusyExpert · 20/01/2025 12:33

IMO opinion there is very little that is more boring than listening to the detail of other people s dreams. I told my husband very early in our marriage that he is allowed one sentence to describe them and then I will switch off.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/01/2025 12:31

I would make every effort to push back here. Join the gym, and a couple of groups locally, and go. It sounds like he has very little regard for you and your needs, and a loving supportive partner would be encouraging you to take time for yourself, outside of the home.

You're not his support human, or his posession.

Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:31

SuperMaybe · 20/01/2025 12:27

Record him and get AI to write a presentation of his speech. It wouldn't achieve anyth8ng but it would be funny.

Otherwise you need to tell him but raise it at a time he isn't droning on.
How is he when you socialise.

It’s weird, he encourages me to go out and make friends (which I do try to) or encourages me to message his girl-friends to hang out. Nothing has ever panned out yet so I haven’t seen his reaction to that. But then when it comes to me and him doing something separately, say I stay home to clean while he goes for a work with DD, or I read while he watches his shows, I want to go to the gym or a class, he doesn’t like it

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:29

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/01/2025 12:27

No that's not healthy. You can't go to the gym one night a week because that's his time to talk at you uninterrupted?

Who's idea was it to move away from family and friends OP?

His idea - it’s where his family business is so I was fine with moving down at first, but I miss my friends and family a lot. So reading is all I really have to do tbh 😂

OP posts:
SuperMaybe · 20/01/2025 12:27

Record him and get AI to write a presentation of his speech. It wouldn't achieve anyth8ng but it would be funny.

Otherwise you need to tell him but raise it at a time he isn't droning on.
How is he when you socialise.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/01/2025 12:27

No that's not healthy. You can't go to the gym one night a week because that's his time to talk at you uninterrupted?

Who's idea was it to move away from family and friends OP?

Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:26

Imisscoffee2021 · 20/01/2025 12:23

He has time out of his day for alone time so that element is fulfilled for him, but you need to carve your time out too. Just say you've had no quiet time to be at peace with your thoughts all day, you just want to engage your mind with your book etc. Together time is precious but it's only mutually fulfilling when both people have had their own calm, their own time to recalibrate. I have a toddler too so know how much you need that!

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Yes exactly it is precious, so I understand as he has long days and misses me during the day. He’s better on weekends during the day, gives me an hour to myself in the morning to read. But sometimes I am really enjoying my book or I have extra work to do and I want to do it in the evenings if I haven’t found time. And I get that can be disappointing for him since he wants to spend it with me - but I have expressed several times we can be together without doing the same thing , for example, us both reading our books next to each other

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:24

Onlycoffee · 20/01/2025 12:21

You don't need together time every single night, or even every minute of the evening.

What if you wanted to go out on a night to see a friend or for a hobby?

He sounds very clingy or controlling. It's perfectly natural to want time on your own.

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The problem is, when we had our daughter we moved in together in a place where I have no friends or family. I have tried really hard to make friends it just hasn’t panned out yet. So I really have no life outside of the house, I am joining a gym soon and said maybe I could go an evening a week when I don’t have childcare (since I can go during the day on these days but otherwise I have a job and have to work), but he was abit upset about it again since that’s our time. Which I do get because I don’t see him during the day, but I’m not sure how much he wants to be with me is healthy (I have said this to him before that it’s not healthy on his part).

I struggle to understand it because I love my alone time , in fact I crave it sometimes

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · 20/01/2025 12:23

eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:17

How much attention would you say is reasonable?

I think that might be the problem… since having a toddler I feel like I am not able to do my own thing. For example, instead of watching TV together every evening, or going to bed together, I will want to read my book (since I rarely get to maybe for 20-30 minutes max per day during nap time) and he gets upset because that’s our ‘together time’ 🤔

Show quote history

He has time out of his day for alone time so that element is fulfilled for him, but you need to carve your time out too. Just say you've had no quiet time to be at peace with your thoughts all day, you just want to engage your mind with your book etc. Together time is precious but it's only mutually fulfilling when both people have had their own calm, their own time to recalibrate. I have a toddler too so know how much you need that!

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/01/2025 12:22

eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:17

How much attention would you say is reasonable?

I think that might be the problem… since having a toddler I feel like I am not able to do my own thing. For example, instead of watching TV together every evening, or going to bed together, I will want to read my book (since I rarely get to maybe for 20-30 minutes max per day during nap time) and he gets upset because that’s our ‘together time’ 🤔

Show quote history

As much as you can genuinely offer. That's up to you. But that's not really the point, you don't "owe" him any particular length of time sitting still and pretending to listen. It might be thirty seconds, it could be three hours if you were gripped with the tale.

That's not how it works. You're not a dustbin for his diatribes. And he's not making your "together time" isn't very attractive at all by droning on at you for hours.

It's selfish, shows incredible lack of self awareness and regard for you as a person. Which is why you don't want to do it, and nor should you feel you have to in order be a good wife. How much worrying is he doing about making himself a good husband? Not fucking much I'd wager.

Onlycoffee · 20/01/2025 12:21

eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:17

How much attention would you say is reasonable?

I think that might be the problem… since having a toddler I feel like I am not able to do my own thing. For example, instead of watching TV together every evening, or going to bed together, I will want to read my book (since I rarely get to maybe for 20-30 minutes max per day during nap time) and he gets upset because that’s our ‘together time’ 🤔

Show quote history

You don't need together time every single night, or even every minute of the evening.

What if you wanted to go out on a night to see a friend or for a hobby?

He sounds very clingy or controlling. It's perfectly natural to want time on your own.

Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:21

2JFDIYOLO · 20/01/2025 11:31

Start telling him

'You know how the brain is one of your special interests?

Well as you know I'm ADHD and this means that my brain works like this (insert brief summary) and I can only process so much information at a time.

Beyond X minutes of new information, my (insert relevant brain bit) goes into overwhelm with too much processing - and causes shutdown.

In future, I need you to summarise your new information into a five minute piece that I CAN process.

IF I require more information - I'll ask.'

Then if he does it again

'As I told you, my brain cannot process more than a certain amount of information.

I know you don't INTEND to cause me overload and overwhelm - but that is the effect.

Give me a five minute summary.'

He's a dentist, a scientist who routinely does horrible things to frightened people every day. (I do often wonder about surgeons in general ...)

Present him with the science, not the emotion.

Present him with science not emotion is such a good point. As he struggles to understand emotions/feelings he does not share or agree with, so maybe I have been going about this wrong. I will try that thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:20

backawayfatty1 · 20/01/2025 11:32

My DD15 is awaiting asd assessment. She loves sharks. I don't. I listen to bits here & there but it's minutes. I explain that not everyone has the same interests and so it's not something I am willing to listen to for ages (me/CFS so also struggle to concentrate). I explain it's not to offend/hurt her feelings. We are very self aware of our ND traits & accept that we don't need to inflict ourselves on everyone constantly lol I personally talk alot & am aware people need a break from my constant chat.

I would suggest he finds a friend with similar interests. DD loves talking to her bf about sharks & he talks back about something of his interest 😂

Or maybe he can make a PowerPoint & share it, say once a week or month. We have a friend who loves Victorian houses. He makes slides & shares with the group. No one else likes Victorian houses much but we like our friend so watch the PP every so often

It's ironic that he's so interested in the brain but doesn't realise the difficulties your ND brain has concentrating on something which isn't your special interest. Maybe he could research ADHD brain type while he is at it 🤣

I agree. Maybe it is because we have different types of ADHD, I have inattentive and he has hyperactive. So maybe he really doesn’t understand what goes on in my brain and he thinks I’m the same as him 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:18

Gatecrashermum · 20/01/2025 11:48

Oh GOD why do men do this. My dad gives long lectures and doesn't like to be interrupted. My husband has started doing this and I pull him up every time. I think it's a "man of a certain age" thing.

I've said to him - don't lecture me. It's boring and rude (and selfish). I want to have a conversation with you- there should be some back and forth. Fair enough to tell me a certain amount but more than 10-15 mins is quite frankly intolerable. I've told him I don't want him to turn into my dad!

Also conversation fosters intimacy and closeness. A lecture does the opposite. It doesn't feed your relationship

I think maybe I’m going to say the sum it up in bullet points thing. I like that he is passionate about something and I’ve told him if he wants to switch careers and retrain I’m all for it but it just does not interest me at all to hear about it for so long

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:17

CloudPop · 20/01/2025 11:56

There is truly nothing more tedious than people describing their dreams. It is unbearable

I used to not mind so much but now every time he says “I had a crazy dream last night” internally I’m like NOOOO please

OP posts:
Original poster
eynjln · 20/01/2025 12:17

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/01/2025 11:12

Except he wouldn't do it to his patients because he knows that wouldn't be appropriate... he saves it for his wife. For some reason he believes he deserves her unwavering attention.

Show quote history

How much attention would you say is reasonable?

I think that might be the problem… since having a toddler I feel like I am not able to do my own thing. For example, instead of watching TV together every evening, or going to bed together, I will want to read my book (since I rarely get to maybe for 20-30 minutes max per day during nap time) and he gets upset because that’s our ‘together time’ 🤔

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · 20/01/2025 12:12

Also, it's one of life's great contrasts, dreams are SO interesting to the person who dreamed them, but they are so deathly dull to anyone else. We've all seen the light die from someone's eyes as we begin to recount a dream, that's the time to cease and desist! For someone interested in how the brain works he doesn't sound very introspective or able to apply it to behaviour and how it reflects on others 😅

Imisscoffee2021 · 20/01/2025 12:07

I apply this thinking to any form of one sided conversation, you aren't there to solely fulfil the role of audience. My mum watches too much news and goes on and on if you don't nip it in the bud. When someone isn't interested in your input they are just lecturing you and you didn't buy a ticket for that lecture.

Its great he enjoys talking about it but he needs to find an outlet, I mean does he care what's its doing to your brain, mind, consciousness, sense of self etc to have to wind your own psyche down to listen to him for THAT long? That would be an engaging debate, rather than a lecture.

Hope he stops acting so hurt when you can't engage for that long.

CloudPop · 20/01/2025 11:56

There is truly nothing more tedious than people describing their dreams. It is unbearable

Gatecrashermum · 20/01/2025 11:48

Oh GOD why do men do this. My dad gives long lectures and doesn't like to be interrupted. My husband has started doing this and I pull him up every time. I think it's a "man of a certain age" thing.

I've said to him - don't lecture me. It's boring and rude (and selfish). I want to have a conversation with you- there should be some back and forth. Fair enough to tell me a certain amount but more than 10-15 mins is quite frankly intolerable. I've told him I don't want him to turn into my dad!

Also conversation fosters intimacy and closeness. A lecture does the opposite. It doesn't feed your relationship

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