Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

You seem to think you are finding it hard to tolerate being talked at for an hour because you have ADHD. You're finding it hard because it's intolerable.

Surely there is a club or society he could join and go to once a week? Or start one?

Invite people round for dinner - even spaghetti bol - to dilute.

It would drive me mad. I once had a bf whom was a tax expert. I used to ask him to tell me all about it if I couldn't sleep.

Do you like baking ? You could do that whilst he talks. Like radio.

Does he have any local friends he meets up with or do you both spend all his non- working time together? What do you talk about (apart from brains or his dreams)? It sounds quite stultifying tbh not having the opportunity to meet and chat with other people.

If it's a boring monologue AT you for an hour or so each time rather than a back and forth conversation then he's probably ND. Especially if he can't read your lack of interest. TBH I'd find his lecturing totally dull and a turn off. If he sulks when you try to change the subject then you need to spell it out to him and if he doesnt make effort to reign it in then consider whether you can live with this high level of tedium for the rest of your marriage.

I had an ex who counted telephone poles for a living Ok Exchanges what was in them etc.

She could talk about it for hours...............

Yes I think she had issues

I want to go to the gym or a class, he doesn’t like it

Your husband sounds like selfish, manipulative, controlling prick. You're worried about upsetting him? Why? He doesn't seem to give a shit about how you feel or what you want.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you really need to look at the wider picture of what's going on here.

This is my dad.. been married 61 years and my mum's just resigned to listening to it. She does escape sometimes...

Can you point him to the dull men's club on FB to air his discoveries to a willing audience

He is being a shit husband! As are many in this thread!

I just had a really interesting chat with my DH about gender roles and expectations- think a philosophical chat (inspired by trump) not who does the dishes. Note: it was a CONVERSATION I was not getting a lecture.

All these pathetic manbabies who's little feelings will get hurt if you tell them they are being boring- while they are being not only boring but also monumentally selfish. It's so depressing to even read about, I can't imagine being in a relationship like that.

You only have so much energy in a day! You need to use some of it for you, not just serve your baby and husband.

He's objectifying you. He doesn't see or value you as a fully formed human, with your own thoughts, needs and personality, rather be thinks you are there to cater to him only or as an extension of himself.

You really need to push back on this. Of course you need time to yourself and time to do what you want and it's perfectly reasonable to have it.

What about a night class, or take up a hobby, book club, check the local Facebook group, evening job, anything to get out of the house and away from his monopolisation of your time, and to meet people.

@eynjln In answer to your actual question no you’re not a terrible wife. Your husband sounds like a tone deaf and entitled pain in the arse though. While I’m sure he has other virtues, it’s not the 1950s - you shouldn’t be necessarily be interested in his interests and you definitely shouldn’t have to pretend that you are.

My Mum is like this, the monologues. Like Uncle Colm in Derry Girls.

Oh, good grief, I've got one of these. I love him dearly, but sometimes... 😬

My usual response when I've had enough is, 'My comment was not the introduction for your monologue.'

Sympathy and sisterhood OP 💐

My DH can be like this, I do just zone out and if he complains I will just tell him that it doesn't interest me. I will try maybe half the time to really listen and show interest but I don't have the ability to do it all the time.

It’s worrying that he doesn’t want you to go out without him. More so that you can’t even do a different activity to him while sitting beside him on the sofa! Could you point out that it’s your turn to choose the activity and then make him join in with something you like and he doesn’t- in order to make the point?

Seriously it’s not normal or ok to insist that you spend every moment outside of work together, nor that you do the same thing all the time. You’re separate people, and he needs to respect that- he doesn’t seem to see you as an individual at the moment, more as a support human for him, or an audience for his interests. No wonder you feel stifled.

FYI OP, my DH has a topic he is very, very passionate about too. He spends probably 12 hours a week doing related activities outside his work. He gives me a 5 min update when he comes home and I ask questions that genuinely interest me (usually more about the human side rather than the topic itself, e.g. was Mike there this evening, how's he doing after the house move?) and then we move on and talk about normal things, like our day, our child, etc. This is much more normal interaction in a marriage! Crucially, I also talk to DH about my interests and hobbies the same amount. Nobody is making a speech to anyone and we certainly wouldn't get "very upset" if the other person asked us to tone it down a bit!

My friend has a son a bit like this. He understood that he could be a bit much and would ask if he could talk to her about football and she would say, yes of course but only for 20 minutes. So they had boundaries around it.

So what if he is hurt that you don’t share his passion? Where would he draw the line. 2,3,4,5 hours of non stop dream analysis?

Seriously stop him or he will get worse not better.

Mi don't have ADHD, and would have picked up a book after being talked AT for an hour about dreams and the brain

wow OP you are WAY too nice and accommodating. He is almost abusing your good nature here!

I have much less patience with adult nonsense since having a toddler. I also feel totally wrecked by the end of the day and absolutely need my own space and time. If I were you, I would carve out two evenings a week to do things for yourself (gym, reading on your own). Make sure these days are sacrosanct and he knows he's on childcare duty for that evening. Tell him you NEED this time to stay sane and if he starts getting upset, get upset straight back at him and ask him why he's so unsupportive of yours needs after everything you've done for him, moving to be with him etc?

You can also set aside a set "date night" to make it clear you want quality time with him too. I.e. this could be a romantic meal at home or a board game night or similar if you don't want to get a babysitter in.

With your own two nights a week, you might find you're a bit better at coping with his monologues. But regardless, I'd be sitting him down and saying, "look your monologues are getting too much for me. It's not interesting for me as I'm not a fan of these topics, so it feels like you're talking at me rather than with me. How would you like it if I wanted to talk at you for an hour every few days about City matches? If you care about being a good partner, you'll distil the points you want to make down to 5 bullet points and then allow me to engage with them. Otherwise, you're not treating me as a partner but as a subordinate employee who has to listen to you "or else". Please step up and be a better partner to me, I've had enough."

You'd be within your rights to be "very upset" that you're married to a man who sees you as a microphone to talk into.

I can't see where there is any room for you in this relationship, and you're on eggshells trying not to upset him? It's not somewhat harmless. It's shit. You shouldn't have to spend hours of your life listening to someone talk at you so they don't get upset! Stop tiptoeing round him, what you're asking for is really really reasonable, you can't bend yourself out of shape forever around his moods. He's controlling you otherwise.

I think maybe I should speak with him about it when he is not mid ramble. I’m just scared to do it as I feel so guilty about it as I know it will really upset him.

I have been in your shoes and had to seek couples counselling and we learned a better strategy to avoid him getting annoyed over him being interrupted mid-ramble, was to talk to him before he even starts his ramble. It works a treat now. I’m not saying it’s perfect but it’s definitely helped.

Do you do anything for your own mental capacity? It seems like you're stuck between two extremes, the high level and the playing with mud? Do you get to learn or think about something that interests you personally?

Re him, he needs to find a group, probably online, that are interested in this. I agree with creating a video channel or website. Because "it's a waste sharing with me when you can share with the whole world!" is a big compliment 😅

Totally agree, my husband and I love just being in the same room each doing our own pursuits but in close proximity, and if we have the energy to muster conversation then we can, alot of times not atm 😅

Your husband is behaving like your toddler. They both want your undivided attention and you have to feign interest in whatever they are playing/talking about. Playing with small children, particularly imaginary play, is exhausting but rewarding, however, you will need some time to yourself after your child goes to bed and at this point your husband demands your undivided attention.

He is being quite selfish. Conversation is different from listening to a monologue about something that doesn't interest you. It sounds like work rather than leisure.

Agree they are just jumbled thoughts. I can wake myself up from having a nightmare by screaming in my dream which comes out as a real noise and I also have sleep terrors and my husband knows to shake me awake if he hears me start to scream , he will say the day after what were you dreaming about and its got to be amazingly horrific for me to share as it's just so boring so i usually say oh nothing exciting.