Was I groomed online?

You know it’s odd looking back but I was in a very similar situation. My parents were getting divorced, mum had a mental breakdown he was 21 years older, I was 19 and we became friends. He was escape from all the shit, I was naive and he bought me things which lead to a relationship I couldn’t leave for years.

he still try’s to control my life now!

Looking back at the situation now he definitely groomed me but it sounds very similar. Thankfully things didn’t go any further with you!

Perhaps you were, but I doubt he's a normal person...if you think about it, I've spoken to you on line twice. If every time you messaged "pinged" he would reply. I'm fairly slow typing but if you do it regularly it's almost as fast as talking.

I think you need to move on. Put this behind you and look at the future.

Rest assured I'm not going to reply again...going to the pub for a cider with some blokes my age to talk about bad backs, bladder issued and football

I'm male, 56 and would feel uncomfortable having that sort of a relationship with a woman of 36. He did groom you. It wasn't illegal but immoral. I expect you were not the only young woman he was talking to.

it wasn't your fault nor did you do anything wrong, we all look for friendship and acknowledgement of our importance in the world...but he exploited that.

I just wanted to respond and say I understand why this is going around your head. I was raped by an man in his 20s when I was 14. Only I didn't realise this until I'd become the age he was, and had children. I had always taken responsibility for it. But now I can see he flattered me, drugged me and then told me I had led him on. No effect on my life these days but the slow change of perspective means I've thought about it a lot. I only know his first name and the city he lives in so no chance of any consequences!

Were any laws actually broken here?

What a nasty piece of work. He knew exactly what he was doing, but tried to absolve himself.

I had the same experience when i was 15/16. Met a guy on yahoo chat, lived in america in his 30s. The talks never got sexual as I wouldn't have even known what to type and since it was early days mobile phone with no cameras, we never exchanged pictures. He had me convinced he loved me though and i would be chatting to him at all weird hours because of the time difference until he ghosted me. Weird experience to look back on

Thank you, Anon.
Sadly it was very common- so many female friends had similar experiences- Both in UK and Europe!

Children now are educated a lot more about ''appropriate behaviour'' by adults, and are advised to tell a trusted adult- But these creeps pick their victims.

They know a vulnerable child when they see one.

The very fact that it is playing on your mind still, means you know it was fundamentally wrong on his part.

These creeps are amongst us.

I have a son {now adult} but when he was growing up, I warned him so much about inappropriate behaviour from adults and older children around him.

There was a Group leader who wanted the young boys to do wrestling in a vest and shorts- I absolutely said no to that.

It just made my hackles rise. {It wasn't a wrestling or martial arts club}

Oh @Anonymous2003 he was a definite groomer- vile man.
NO man in his thirties should be corresponding with a child - which you were, even though 16 is the legal age of consent, it's too large an age gap.

I was SA at 9 by two men, one absolutely ancient - like a grandad {but not a relation}
These men are very sly and cunning.

I wish I''d told an adult about it at the time, but the groomers and abusers are clever{I won't say what they said as don't want to give any hints to any child sexual abusers who may be reading this.

I know exactly what you mean. I was about 15 when I was chattering away to some 30 year old sports journalist. He tried to convince me to meet him in the park near my grandma's house - thank god I didn't love nearer or I absolutely would have done. I was at boarding school and when we visited my gran I never went out alone so it would have been dead obvious.

I don't particularly care he 'got away with it' just count myself lucky I got away with not being murdered. I tell my teenagers this story now to make them aware that I know teenagers do stupid things but they can always talk to me no matter how much hot water they get themselves into.

You were just a lonely teenage girl, my love. It's all on him, not your fault at all. I know that I would have been flattered by the attention too, at that age x

That's exactly what they're aiming for. To mess with your head to the point where you might initiate. It can feel exciting and validating for a teenager. That doesn't make it any less wrong on his part.

He probably would describe himself as a really good guy
'It's not like I had sex with her.' 🙄

I totally understand why you're feeling confused, OP But he wasn't your friend. He was a creep. Any normal man would know that the age gap made it totally inappropriate.

Also, you could self-refer to NHS talking therapy services in your area, to give you someone to talk through the impact this has had on you:

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

I had an online friendship when I was 15 with a man who was in his 30s. It was never sexual but in retrospect was such a strange thing for a man in his 30s to be doing. I can't remember how we met. He used to post me letters full of jokes. So odd. I think in the 90s things were a bit weirder in general.