Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

🙄

Sometimes though - there literally only is the option of just leave.

I did it nearly 10 years ago with two holdalls. I thought I had alienated all my friends following my disaster marriage. Controlling husband who made it very hard to go out for an evening with out a row.

When I had to leave following police involvement - friends who I hadn't seen for a long time did help. A friend of a friend gave me her spare room.

When I got my first rented room, people let me stuff to get up and running.

I don't know your situation but you might be surprised who can help?

Thank goodness for that, Picle.

Another poster suggested you contact women's aid and I think that is a good idea, they will be able to properly advise you.

It may be your husband who has to leave but something will be sorted out. Talk to them tomorrow, bide your time. I am so sorry you are in this dilemma.

Yeah I did exactly that. With a 1 year old. Got a loan beforehand and signed up for the rental beforehand. Because i had proof of income. Then left with whatever I'd managed to hide away in the car over a few weeks. Used the loan to pay the deposit on the flat, and refurnished it. Signed up to universal credit. And started again.

Honestly, it's surprisingly easy. You think of everything you had to give up, one thing that was a real sticker for me was a painting I had. But you remind yourself that if someone said "ill give you this, but then I'll kill you." You wouldn't take it. Your life is worth more than your things.

I left over 2 years ago. I have been very lucky with new DP. Literally an angel sent from heaven. My life is bloody bliss. I was worth it a thousand times over. I don't have alot of money. DS has clothes bought in bundles second hand. Holidays are butlins/haven rather than the Maldives, I have a little battered 12yo hatchback instead of a brand new big ass black SUV. But fuck me. I have a will to live. And my young boy will not grow up thinking the way his father behaves is acceptable or normal. He is growing up in a household of respect and love and laughter and he will grow up with a healthy respect for women, for himself and others, he will learn that being upset or angry does not entitle you to shout or hurt people, he will learn how to be a good man. I could not bare my son to grow up to be like his father.

Good luck getting Women’s Aid to answer the phone

There was a woman on here a few years back who was planning to ‘just leave’. She said she was going to present herself at a police station a few hundred miles away (picked randomly) and ask for help. She seemed to think she would immediately be housed, protected etc.

I and a few others tried to be supportive but also explain that the police would give her the number of social services / a DV charity and at best offer to take a statement against her ex which might or might not result in him being charged and if he was might or might not result in him being remanded in custody.

It’s one of those threads I still think about and worry about what happened to the poster if the police turned her away.

With all due respect op, the trick is to accept that you'll be losing everything, but you will be gaining your freedom and peace. With time you can rebuild the rest.

The main question is does he control you financially or are you able to put some money aside every month?

I understand OP I really do

Sending love @Picle, call WomensAid they may be able to help you x.

Pets are often a barrier to women leaving. There are several charities that provide foster care for exactly these circumstances. Here is just one example https://www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk/

Are you in a DV situation?

This isn't applicable for everyone obviously but one solution that can work for many women is to find a live-in job. Housekeeper, Nanny, Carer or Hospitality are the most obvious ones that often come with own accommodation.

Sorry for your circumstances OP

1. phone- get a new sim only deal in your name and buy a cheaper phone outright if you can.give a neighbours address or call WA go see if you can use a office address for bill.
2. car- yes a loss but can you make do with public transport or cycling?
3. home- start speaking to WA and see if you are eligible for a refuge place. Or look for a room in a shared house to start you off.
4. the business- this is complicated can it move with you? Is it a skill? Yes it be hard but not impossible.

Now make a list of all the things you'd gain and put your life as number 1.

If it’s any motivation OP, I have a photo somewhere of my little battered old Smart Fortwo absolutely packed to the brim with all the clothes and belongings I could fit into it, parked outside the tiny bedsit which was all I could afford to rent (agreed over the phone, via a video call with the agent, because I couldn’t view it in person) on the Holloway Road on the day I left ex-DP in Scotland and arrived back in London.

I remember opening the door to that bedsit and breaking down into uncontrollable tears: because it was a drab room with a kitchenette in the corner and a tiny shower room, and I’d left behind a big, glorious five-bedroom period conversion property in rolling countryside. We had lovely, stylish furniture and creature comforts - but I found myself furnishing that bedsit with mismatching odds and ends from the local BHF charity shop. I sobbed for days - because I didn’t know if my life was ever going to feel like my life again, if I’d ever make any friends, if I’d regret leaving what I’d had behind, how I was going to manage financially, paying both my rent and my half of the mortgage on the house I shared with my ex.

I recounted this story at my hen weekend just over a year ago, eating dinner surrounded by 12 of the most wonderful, brilliant women I could ever have hoped to have met and call my best friends. I created a new life: the stop-gap job I took just to get out turned into the best move I ever made; I went from strength to strength in my career, bought another house in London which makes me just as happy as the old one, replaced all those left behind belongings with ones that were mine and only mine, had an absolute ball getting out and doing all kinds of things I’d never dreamed I’d enjoy doing, made dozens of truly amazing new friends, dated loads, and eventually met my now-husband.

That was in 2013. My packed Smart car and that bedsit have become just another part of my story. My ex finally accepted in about 2016 that I wasn’t coming back and agreed to sell our house. Those were tough times: I’d been paying both my London rent and half the mortgage on the house, which was a struggle. It took us until 2018 to actually sell the house and for me to properly be able to move on. I know it’s hard, and difficult to see the wood from the trees when it seems like you have so many instances in front of you - but you can start taking the first steps with the advice you’ve had on this thread.

I left with nothing except for my son in one hand and one bag for life containing a change of outfit each into emergency accommodation then temp accommodation and one year on and we’re just fine! It’s very very very hard starting completely from scratch but I’m here to live the tale and so so happy I left. If I can do it you can too OP! There’s lots of organisations that will support you, the weight off your shoulders for leaving really outweighs the attachments to everything else you left behind. It isn’t as easy as ‘just leave’ but if you have time to make some kind of plan then great (If you aren’t in danger). If I didn’t have a baby at the time I’d have moved into a house share temporarily aka cheaper rent/bills. Maybe an option for the interim? Stay safe OP sending hugs 💐

In what way would you lose your business?

Does he not give you any money/check all receipts?

It does annoy me when posters tell posters to leave that same day, not thinking where they would go etc

But most women can leave they just choose not to.

Does he check your internet history?

Get a library account (it gives you free access to the internet).

Create a new email account and email yourself all of your contact details.

Try and save up at least £30.

Once you have those things, then ring WA and leave.

Once you’re out, then buy a £10 phone and go to the library to get the numbers that you need.

Yes I agree, it was the nineties so different times and all that. So now it would take longer to save enough and get ducks in a row. But my main point is that you can let go of some of the stuff you shared in order to start a new life. My mum has been happily remarried now for 30 years so starting over worked out for her.

Kudos to your mum for doing that... One issue nowadays is that it's actually really hard for single parents to private rent and very difficult to get social housing...many mums would be forced to live in temporary accomodation miles away from their kids schools

I went on the school run one day and never went back. I had prepared a bag with mine and the kids important documents, I brought their favourite cuddly toys and a change of clothes in the nappy bag. I dropped my dog off with a trusted friend, and I walked away from my job, my home and everything I owned, and went into refuge in a town I had never been to before, with 3 kids all aged under 6.
It was 10 years ago and 100% the best decision I have ever made.

Walking away is indeed possible. It probably saved my life.

Do you co-own the house?

Why would you lose the business?

Do you have business premises where you could sleep for a bit?

My "just leave" finally happened when, after a terrifyingly awful attack, I lay in bed fantasising about finding a weapon so I could "finish" either him or myself in the night, just so that it would be over. And I knew I had to get me and the kids out before it was too late.
I had no family and no money, and I was lucky enough that a friend took pity on me, but if I hadn't had them I was prepared to just go to the police and throw myself on their mercy in the dead of night.
It was really, really hard, and it took a long time for it to be good again, but it was better than the alternative.
Don't look for an option that will give you all the things you still have now, just find an option that keeps you all alive and safe

You have a business, can you support yourself with it (not clear why you'd lose ot if you left, can you explain)? If not then the best thing would be to get a job so you can support yourself, then you could rent somewhere to live when you leave.

Unbelievably insensitive post that demonstrates complete lack of insight/understanding

Hidden, if necessary 👍

I think by 'just leave' people aren't saying get up and walk out the door right now - but make the decision that it is over and start planning to leave and when plans are in place and you've had the time to exact them- then leave.