Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

Helpful

Spot on

Blimey.
When those thoughts come to mind just look around you and breathe in the peace that you created by yourself 💖
Well done

You have said you want to leave but haven’t mentioned abuse.

Cars and phones in his name can sound controlling but was it purely a move as easier for him to get checks because your self employed or a valid reason such as you having a poor credit rating. I’m assuming you need your car for work, is your work not portable at all?

Cats can be fostered, lifeline a cat charity will assist people escaping DV.

For some mentally it’s just not possible and even in the worst cases of DV where the woman is ultimately killed they would never leave. I volunteered in a DV setting and we obviously had training and met many women. So dependant on help available through agencies will depend on if there is abuse. The op may not be willing to share her starry and that’s fair enough or it could be economic dependence rather than abuse. She actually hasn’t said. the advice though similar would be different depending on which it is.

I'd also add that i wasn't on mum's net. I thought i was totally alone. So whilst you have a few plonkers contributing you have loads of amazing advice. On line Goodwill won't put a roof over your head but it's nice to know that it's there.
Crossing everything for you. When your future looks brighter - and it will- please return and update us

This was me.
He was an abusive alcoholic, sounds dramatic- it wasn't. Most of the time it was just miserable. I didn't feel my life was in danger but could imagine things escalating
I first saw a solicitor for advice.
Then I started a long term plan and a shorter term plan (just in case)
It was hard to put money away but even saving bits made me feel better.
I gradually sorted belongings into essential, desirable and irrelevant
I got the details I needed such as documents and also details of his national insurance number and pension - worthwhile as we were married and he lied comprehensively about his pension.
I ensured I had all details such as phone numbers or anything stored in my phone duplicated elsewhere. I had a little notebook in my handbag.
I stopped accumulating material things - even posh face cream and handbags. I developed a "capsule wardrobe" . Stuff is just more to move and its better to save the money.
Make sure you have all the documents and info such as passwords/rescue email for accounts stored and changed so you can operate without him
I started to change small things like the access to my email, phone, lap top and ensured that I'd wiped stuff from lap top, that left any clues and also put all the info- it'd be apps nowadays- that I used on my phone.
Sadly, it blew up early on me and he was arrested anyway but I was so thankful that I'd at least prioritised stuff, thought about it and had started to do stuff. It was about having given it head space.
In terms of pets, it was hard and again I had to prioritise, re home stuff (llama, horses etc) managed to keep one cat and dog but that made it difficult to find accommodation. Difficult but not impossible.
It was very hard for several years but the main thing is that despite rebuilding from scratch, I was so much happier from day one because of his absence from my life.
That was 17 years ago, there are still minor financial impacts, mostly when I think "this is where I'd be now if I'd not lost everything" it's a huge thing to do but I'm so much happier and so glad that I moved on.
You may have to rethink and accept that somethings have to go, whether it's animals, friends, renting rather than owning something (house/car/phone) but if this is your priority you can do it.
Wishing you really good luck

Unless you are supporting someone (could be a friend, family member or as a professional in your role at work) or you have experienced domestic abuse yourself, it's an incredibly difficult and complex topic to understand.

Which unfortunately means that lots of people victim blame when you reach out for help.

"just leave"
"it’s important to have your own money, independence, support network, etc"
"if it's that bad why don't you just leave?"
"I would never allow anyone to treat me like that!"

I genuinely don't think victim blamers mean any harm, they are just uneducated on DA so don't know what they are talking about or realise the damage they cause by their unhelpful "contribution" when you ask for advice.

Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we replaced victim blaming with perpetrator blaming?

"why doesn't he stop?"
"why does he do that"
"what's stopping you from leaving?
"how can I help?"

Anyway answer to your question

Sadly with great difficulty :-) It's a real struggle

You will need to accept that it's going to cost you dearly but you simply have no choice - if you stay it will get worse - abusers don't change, the more controlling they are the more dangerous they are, and if you stay you will lose more of your life - which simply you can't put a price on.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp there's some quite amazing black and white thinkers out there who think everyone who finds themselves in an unfortunate position is somehow stupid- sometimes things come along and kick you in the teeth right out the blue regardless of how sensible you have been .

Have some bloody empathy you patronising sod!

Business - probably because it's based where she lives with husband and if she leaves him she can't remain nearby

She can't transfer the phone number if its not her phone. She needs to buy another phone and steady transfer from the old to the new, especially as she's running a business.

There are many reasons why you could lose a successful business - successful can be someone earning £40k - but still struggling to rent purely in their own name given the hoops you have to jump through these days on automatically scored systems and it may be her business isa service one that works with the fact its 'local clients' and she can't afford to stay in area on her own so the business isn't portable to move somewhere much cheaper ( don't discount flat shares OP if that's the case- regardless of your age- I had a friend did this at 57 and got a great flat share with another mature lady who wasn't actually there much) - found it on 'spare room-' has worked out well-

It may be it's a business that her partner is involved in - so it's actually 'their' business.

Let's just take OPs situation as she's written it .she's clearly an intelligent lady and knows the score.

@daliesque yep - whilst some guys are tossers early on - plenty just grow into being tossers - be it 5 years, 15 years, 25 years and it's not always as simple as just leaving and just renting somewhere else given the situation as it is with renting -

Call Women's Aid, they will give you the advice you need and support you 100%!!

The material stuff you can get again but if anything is of any kind of value to you and you cannot leave without it, make sure it's close by because when the time comes, you'll need to leave right now.

I'm glad there's no children involved; my friend went through the above (that's why I advocate Women's Aid) but that doesn't take away from the emotions you feel. I'm sorry you're going through something xx

A lot of great advice here. I'd like to add- Please speak to your GP- they can confidentially refer you to the local DV/ DA service, and can even hide your medical notes so it's not visible to everyone. Also talking to your GP will act as evidence in case you need to go to court later. They and all Surgery staff get regular training nowadays on DA/.DV.
Best wishes and stay safe.

You can come move in with me and my parents if you're nice

@nodramaplz

"Yes yes yes
Love my hubby, got such a good one.
However, I earn my own money, have my own car, my own phone, everything.
I owe no one anything.

I don't get why anyone lets anyone else be the author of their life."

Wow.

The council have a duty to you if you become homeless. It's a long process through hostels, temporary housing and waiting lists,

Not if you don't have children.

Don't listen to the smug "I would simply never let a man....." posters.

30 years ago I would have said the same.....but they unfortunately don't come with a flashy neon sign saying "I'm an abusive bastard". By the time you realise it's not normal, you've been gaslit into thinking it is - bit garbled, but hopefully you see what I mean.

I'm an educated, intelligent woman and when I was married to my abusive ex husband I was a full time junior doctor who had spent time in A&E and saw the consequences of physical violence and heard their stories....still I didn't link their experiences to what I thought was my stressed out grumpy, husband who easily flew off the handle at nothing and who I was constantly treading on egg shells around.

You can. Just go.

"Just leave" sadly can't always be immediate (unless you're in danger in which case you may have to run to a shelter)

You make a plan, squirrel money away, work out how much you need. Look for people to confide in. Create a "go bag" copies of important info, your passport, couple of tops/knickers/pair of jeans basic toiletries so if it ever came to it running was an option.

Keep a notebook of incidents, photos for evidence. Create an email address and use it for nothing but receipt of your own notes and photos. Which you may find you need to share with the police. Include bank evidence of you paying towards the house so you have the option of staking a claim to a share.

Look at options for moving your business to another place. Look for other jobs.

Speak to a DV charity. Get support. If you aren't ready now, don't be hard on yourself but have a plan so when you are ready nothing prevents you.

There's no way to pretend getting away won't cost you. It will be hard. But staying is already hard. And whatever it costs you may still be a bargain. Best of luck

No you really can't.

You don't just leave, not unless your life is at risk. Most of the people posting that advice are doing so kindly, but in truth have no idea.

Same with the people saying you should have your independence blah blah blah. Hindsight js a wonderful thing and no, you don't know that the violence or the abuse is going to happen when you got married/had kids/set up a home and a life in a way that suited you at the time.

So you plan. It means you have to live in that situation and endure it for a bit longer - unless of course he does threaten your life. You squirrel away money where ans when you can, even take out a loan or credit card in your own name if need be. It's easier now as things can be done completely online.

You keep your gob shut and put up with the comments because provoking him now could lead to him being dangerous. You become the wife he thinks he deserves because otherwise you provoke him. You do not ever show your hand until the time is right.

You cultivate friendships or admit to friends and/or family what is happening. If you can find someone you can run to if you have to leave the house quickly and do not ever leave your animals with him, so that someone needs to know you come with pets and accept that.

Nearer the time you buy a few extra bits of toiletries and a small overnight bag. You put a few bits of clothing each week in that bag and if he mentions anything say you threw it out. If you can and have your own bank account that he can't access, you buy a few bits and put in your bag each month. You add a few extra bits of cat food to the week,y shop and put those in your bag. Make sure you know where the cat carriers are and put them where you can grab them easily.

You put all your documents in your handbag. This could start alarm bells ringing so you may want to do this near the end.

You find a new job somewhere else and, if you are lucky enough to work in an industry that does it, use the relocation package to rent a flat or house.

Then you go. One day, quietly, with no drama, you walk out of the house with your bag and your cats and you get in your car or a taxi or a bus and you leave him.

It took me a year.

Sometimes leaving is a process and yes it can take a long long time. They call it “getting your ducks in a row”. But the sooner you start, the more preparation you do and the more well thought out your plan is - the sooner you’ll leave on something like your own terms.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I'm not talking about houses, businesses or money.

The op - has nowhere to go and an unsupportive family.

@Loyalwomansfriend - went to her parents.