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Original poster

To wonder how the hell my dd has done this?

242 replies

MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 13:36

Posting for traffic and I need some iPhone tech help!

Last night my DD age 14 was severely in the dog house and one of the punishments I have given her is to remove her screentime. Unfortunately after I’d retrieved her and dropped her home, I had to leave again for work and I won’t be back home until this evening. Adult DD was also home so she wasn’t alone.

I’ve set her screentime so that it’s basically switched off all day, every day, and her phone is blocked. But I’ve just had a look and somehow the little shit has been online for over 4 hours today (I turned her screentime off around 9pm last night). She will still be asleep now so presumably she was somehow on her phone from midnight until 4am for her to be online today for 4 hours.

I am planning on physically taking her phone away from her when I get home but I’d like to know how she’s getting around the screentime thing.

To wonder how the hell my dd has done this?
OP posts:
RandomButtons · 19/01/2025 15:59

MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 15:52

Also I will accept criticism regarding this from anyone else with a PDA ASD child who might have helpful ideas, but if you don’t have one then I’m afraid you’re not in a position to judge.

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I do, but I’m not pretending they are the same age. We’ve set very strict screen time limits from the start, in the hope that it helps them long term. Screen time has always affected their behaviour terribly. That’s not particularly helpful for you right now. Outdoor pursuits have helped ours massively.

What you need to do right now is totally reassess the way you are approaching screen time. There need to be much stricter limits and I suggest you get her off apple devices and onto other devices that are much easier to actually manage. Also look up the SIM cards that are designed to restrict kids access, there’s two new ones on the U.K. market but we’ve not trialled either.

Get on the facebook group parenting in a tech world and ask for specific advice on there.

Whilst you’re at work is your daughter on her own? Left to do whatever she wants.

ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:59

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Original poster
MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 15:59

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At what age do I stop watching her 24 hours a day? And how do I afford to live while I’m doing that? She hasn’t done anything like this since she was 11, in fact she’s been great to be around (most of the time) for a long while, so it’s a bolt out of the blue. She’s 14, yes she had SEN but she has to have some opportunities to socialise, especially as she’s not in school. She was allegedly meeting a friend she knows well in a place she knows well. I had no reason to doubt her.

OP posts:
ekk100 · 19/01/2025 15:58

I have an Android, so no idea if an iPhone is the same, but it also double counts time if you have multiple apps running. I often use picture-in-picture to watch stuff whilst I'm also checking emails etc and it counts both app as being X hours of usage. Makes my screen time look much more than it actually is.
Can you not check the number of phone unlocks to see if she was actually using it?

ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:58

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Nanny0gg · 19/01/2025 15:58

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So what would you do, given the OP is HAVING to work?

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2025 15:57

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What would you do then?

HeadacheEarthquake · 19/01/2025 15:56

MyrtleLion · 19/01/2025 14:46

Do you reward her when she's lovely at all? Or just punish her when she's being as you say, "a little shit"? Perhaps if you thought of her behaviour as a little shit rather than her personality, you'd get a better response.

You said you're pissed off at her, which is about your reaction, not her behaviour.

Punishment without rewards for behaving well, will result in more bad behaviour because she will get resentful.

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Fucking hell, not only are you completely missing the point of the post, you're showing yourself up.

Lots of people call their kids all sorts. It's completely in jest - you need to get out more and lighten up!

Original poster
MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 15:55

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Not really. She does a vocational college course one day a week, and that’s it. She cannot manage mainstream, the LA wont assess for an EHCP for specialist education, she doesn’t respond to HE at all well, if you have a solution please let me know because honestly I’ve tried every avenue. There are so many kids like her in this situation, just look on the not fine in school fb group. The country is bankrupt and there’s nothing out there for them.

OP posts:
ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:54

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ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:53

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Original poster
MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 15:52

MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 15:50

She’s not home educated. She has ASD and she’s PDA profile so I have to keep my demands very minimal with her. I tried doing work at home with her but she literally won’t, and I have to pick my battles with her very carefully. Also I am a lone parent and if I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads and can’t afford little luxuries like food.

Also I will accept criticism regarding this from anyone else with a PDA ASD child who might have helpful ideas, but if you don’t have one then I’m afraid you’re not in a position to judge.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 19/01/2025 15:52

Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2025 15:46

You know its unlikley OP's DD is actually reading this and knows its about her don't you?

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That makes it ok to call an autistic kid with PDA a shit? Sure thing.

ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:52

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Original poster
MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 15:51

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Yes. Well at least she was on her way to meet him but got intercepted by the police before that happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 15:50

She’s not home educated. She has ASD and she’s PDA profile so I have to keep my demands very minimal with her. I tried doing work at home with her but she literally won’t, and I have to pick my battles with her very carefully. Also I am a lone parent and if I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads and can’t afford little luxuries like food.

OP posts:
ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:48

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Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2025 15:46

RandomButtons · 19/01/2025 15:31

Yeah my mum said it to my face regularly so I’ll judge anyone who openly says it about their kid in such an open forum. Words can be very hurtful.

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You know its unlikley OP's DD is actually reading this and knows its about her don't you?

ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:46

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ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:45

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ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 15:43

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RandomButtons · 19/01/2025 15:40

adviceneeded1990 · 19/01/2025 15:36

That’s awful, I’m sorry your Mum was like that and I totally agree words hurt. Wouldn’t it have been better for your Mum to vent to friends or online than to say it to you?

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Oh don’t worry, she did that too, and I could hear her even though she thought I couldn’t.

Calling a kid a little shit is horrible whether they can hear it or not.

TequilaNights · 19/01/2025 15:39

You can also turn it off and on for certain apps, so check all apps are locked, use a pass code not easy/that you use everywhere else.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/01/2025 15:37

Might she have another device that you're not aware of? One she could put her SIM into but not her phone? An older model handset perhaps?

Newusername3kidss · 19/01/2025 15:36

MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 14:59

I do my best! I’m not perfect and winging it like everyone else but I do try.

I took her to a school open day yesterday (I’m trying to get her back into school), which was really positive. She then said she wanted to meet up with her female friend in town (about a 15 minute bus ride from the school we were looking at). She’s done this solo lots of times and it’s never been a problem. So I said that was fine and gave her some money for transport and lunch etc. I said I had to get back to work but to let me know if she had any trouble getting home, trains are a bit all over the place at the moment.

Anyhow, when I hadn’t heard from her by about 6.30 I tried ringing to see if she’d made it home. She ignored me several times but finally picked up after I sent a very direct text to her. Long story short, she’d never gone to meet her friend in the town she said she was going to, she’d actually been to the house of a boy she’d been talking to online but never actually met before. Cue me having to leave work and doing a 65 mile round trip to collect her and drop her home.

She did something similar about 2.5 years ago, at least I didn’t have to involve the police this time to find her I guess!

The stupid thing is I am really not a strict parent at all and of course she’s going to want to meet boys at her age and I have no problem with that, there was no reason at all to lie to me (although obviously I wouldn’t have been ok with her going to his house without having met him or his family before).

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maybe you do need to be a strict parent with her - if my children told me a lie this bad they would have absolutely zero privileges (included phones) for at least a week. My 11 year old was cheeky to me yesterday and didn’t get off fornite after me telling him twice. That’s no fornite for a week. No negotiations. Kids , especially teens, respond to firm rules. They might argue against it honestly it is the best thing for them, even though it makes life harder for us in the short term

calling her “a shit” is pretty vile