To wonder how the hell my dd has done this?

Thank you. I'll check that out.

This.

That screen time is horrific. Most of her waking hours. My daughter same age is limited to 2. How do you not have any limits on her screen time? Wake up OP and give yourself a thorough shake.

Yes and no.

An autistic child watching their favourite Cbeebies on their iPad to regulate themselves, fine.

An SEN 14-year-old having unrestricted access to the internet on their phone, and watching 10-15 hours of TikTok day? No. It’s wildly irresponsible parenting, it’s literally destroying her brain.

OP, you actually sound like a great mum who is doing her best. But children and teen access to smart phones (esp watching hours of seven-second videos on TikTok) will be the major health scandal of our time. Just google “Tiktok damage to teenagers brain” and have a read. She is fourteen years old, you can take away her phone and replace it with a dumb phone that only has text and calls. It’s hard, but she will likely thank you one day.

For the poster who snarkily said “what else will she do all day?” Literally anything else is better. What did we do when we were teenagers? Watch tv, read books, talk on the phone, go to clubs. TV actually is loads better than phone screentime - watching films/series is fine, not overstimulating stuff that’s been edited into seven-second bursts.

My DC got round it at the same age by setting up and using a new Apple ID in secret.

Calling her a little sht doesn’t really make you look good here*.

This comment doesn't make you look good here so I guess it's catching

It’ll be one of two things - she’s changing the time on the clock - you can stop that but I can’t remember how.

Or you haven’t got the bit highlighted that blocks at the end of the limit. Go to app limits, then select the thing you want to limit, then make sure both app limit and block at end of limit are highlighted.

I'm in this one Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Support Group

There are 50k members, and quite a few are in the US, so sometimes you need to check where the poster is from because advice isn't as helpful in those cases, but I find it quite balanced with regards to expectations vs ability. I'm not in any other general ones, just one for Home Ed and then Newbold Hope.

Could you recommend any of the PDA support groups on FB? I joined the Gentle Parenting Autism/ adhd/ PDA one: it's useful, but I find lots of the posts & comments don't help with the boundaries we need to lay, & many are sort of 'Us against society, we're so misunderstood & want to exist outside of it' which we just can't do.

My boy is also almost 13, & it's a tough road already.

She will I suspect either have changed the time on her phone to get round downtime or switched the phone to airplane mode

It's SO bloody tough. All we can do is support each other. Some members of my family have zero.idea (despite being loving & concerned), so ignore randoms on the Internet.

Hats off to you, as I don't know what I'd do without tag-teaming woth OH. He leaves tomorrow for work until Thursday (never happened before, but he can't avoid it) & I'm already dreading it. I'm practising my deep breathing 🙏.

Love your update, OP.

Fellow PDA Mum here, though mine isn't quite 13 yet.

I echo PP's advice about support groups on Facebook. There's Newbold Hope, which is great for when they're in crisis (really good support), and there are various PDA support groups.

It's hard, because traditional parenting doesn't work at all, and working out the collaborative approach that often works means a lot of false starts. And it's extra tough when you're on your own.

Sounds like you're doing great, overall, since she knows how to make amends when messing up.

Hope you enjoyed the hug and the clean sheets OP Sometimes they are lovely and sometimes they are little shits. Mine are aged 39 -23 currently the 30 year old and the 36 year old are little shits, the rest are just meh, only the Grandchildren are lovely.

You call your child a ‘little shit’, wow. Good luck to her.

iPhones aren’t actually easily hacked at all which is one of the key reasons I have one. They’re actually known to be more secure than Android phones. Just wanted to point this out in case anyone was worried!

@MamaConchy That's a great update. I have a 16 yr old and 13 yr old. I would block Snapchat and tiktok. They are not safe. Your daughter can speak to her friend over WhatsApp. Honestly if you haven't been checking her phone (as shes been talking to this boy for months without you knowing) then she will be accessing things that are not good for her. It's a bloody minefield having teens in 2025. I have huge sympathy for you. Best of luck

Brilliant update, OP. She's so clearly well-loved, & she's figured out herself that she's seriously crossed a boundary. You've got this. 👏

The image of me wrestling my DS out the front door in his PJs is a good one 😂😂😂 He's 6 foot bloody 3 and I'm 5 foot 9 what would I do when I reached the car?! Open the door with my foot?!!!! Fold him in like origami??

I love your update @MamaConchy ! I've got a nearly 15 year old with additional needs who does all sorts of stupid shit (and who i call a little bastard frequently) and if I go toe to toe with him it ends up in an enormous mess. I have to pick my battles and it's taken a long time for me to work it out.

Sounds like you're doing a lovely job with her and how sweet of her to really try to make it up to you 🩷

There are a million ways to get around it - not necessarily because it’s easy but because children’s determination and imagination know no bounds when it comes to their phone and YouTube and social media are full of the hacks.
Most likely though she knows your passcode from watching you or has used your phone in a 1 minute space when you’ve put your phone down briefly, gone out of the room and before the screen locks to turn off screen control or add her fingerprint so she can access your phone.
You have to take the phone - and keep it with you or hide it really well, preferably after draining the battery so they can’t use ‘find your device’ to locate it.
And are you sure she (or you) doesn’t have an old iPhone anywhere she could be using?

I put a time limit on my DD's iphone, she showed me how when she hits the time limit it asks her whether she wants 5 more minutes or whether she wants to ignore the time limit for the day.... Not sure how to fix that. It's an iphone 11