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Original poster

To wonder how the hell my dd has done this?

242 replies

MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 13:36

Posting for traffic and I need some iPhone tech help!

Last night my DD age 14 was severely in the dog house and one of the punishments I have given her is to remove her screentime. Unfortunately after I’d retrieved her and dropped her home, I had to leave again for work and I won’t be back home until this evening. Adult DD was also home so she wasn’t alone.

I’ve set her screentime so that it’s basically switched off all day, every day, and her phone is blocked. But I’ve just had a look and somehow the little shit has been online for over 4 hours today (I turned her screentime off around 9pm last night). She will still be asleep now so presumably she was somehow on her phone from midnight until 4am for her to be online today for 4 hours.

I am planning on physically taking her phone away from her when I get home but I’d like to know how she’s getting around the screentime thing.

To wonder how the hell my dd has done this?
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Glittertwins · 26/01/2025 15:47

@Tinkerbell5578 - it doesn't appear to be anything they are doing. I've set it on and watched their phones still allow it. The whole functionality is hot and miss.

Oldwmn · 26/01/2025 15:42

MrsSunshine2b · 19/01/2025 17:15

I'm sorry but it's ludicrous. A child being able to happily make their way around the local area, meeting up with randomers from the internet and hanging out in town centres, but not able to manage school. Of course she finds spending a day in a structured environment hard when she's spending nearly all of her waking time glued to a device, no wonder she's suffering withdrawals when she can't spend all day scrolling. 20 years ago, if you said you didn't want to go to school, your Mum said, "That's nice dear, now get your uniform on or you'll be going in your pyjamas." And that was the end of that.

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During the war.....

Tinkerbell5578 · 26/01/2025 15:27

Glittertwins · 26/01/2025 12:31

App limits are useless - well they are on both phones I put them on here.

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That’s strange!
my kids don’t seem to be able to bypass this! They can do “one more minute” on every app (which could soon add up!) other than that they have to request more time.
whereas screen time can be avoided by changing their time zone!

Glittertwins · 26/01/2025 12:31

Tinkerbell5578 · 26/01/2025 09:51

Set app limits as well, this seems to be harder to get round unless they know the passcode

App limits are useless - well they are on both phones I put them on here.

MNersSufferFromContextomy · 26/01/2025 11:16

MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 13:49

My understand is that if you set it to be blocked during downtime the apps themselves are blocked, so wouldn’t be updating? I also have an iPhone and I have my apps set for automatic updates, but I’d say my own screentime graph accurately reflects the time I was actually using my phone.

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I have this same issue. I don't think the iphone screen time setting are always reliable. I've been as baffled as you.

Sometimes you need to also block individual app as well as the usual screen time tally. I remember blocking Tik-Tok or Youtube once and then they managed to access them through safari instead. It didn't make sense to me, but seemed to work when I then separately blocked safari.

Also, does she have a 2nd device, like an iPad. I have also noticed that sometime the ipad works once the phone is disabled, so check on that.

I don't trust the settings so, yes, physically taking the phone away would be th best solution.

I think iphones and ipads are the real little shits!

Tinkerbell5578 · 26/01/2025 09:51

Set app limits as well, this seems to be harder to get round unless they know the passcode

LouLuBelles · 26/01/2025 06:40

Check both the Always Allowed - lock that down to bare essentials - and also App Limits. App Limits are harder to get around. Although Downtime resets at midnight I believe so don’t leave devices available overnight.

AlexStocks · 26/01/2025 02:52

MamaConchy · 19/01/2025 13:36

Posting for traffic and I need some iPhone tech help!

Last night my DD age 14 was severely in the dog house and one of the punishments I have given her is to remove her screentime. Unfortunately after I’d retrieved her and dropped her home, I had to leave again for work and I won’t be back home until this evening. Adult DD was also home so she wasn’t alone.

I’ve set her screentime so that it’s basically switched off all day, every day, and her phone is blocked. But I’ve just had a look and somehow the little shit has been online for over 4 hours today (I turned her screentime off around 9pm last night). She will still be asleep now so presumably she was somehow on her phone from midnight until 4am for her to be online today for 4 hours.

I am planning on physically taking her phone away from her when I get home but I’d like to know how she’s getting around the screentime thing.

The big issue I see is you calling her a name. These things don't generally impart any sense of respect or quietude, which presumably you want.

Original poster
MamaConchy · 26/01/2025 00:52

Thank you both, I agree that phones are a normal part of teenage hood these days and the way teens socialise has moved on since I was one in the 90s. And she’s not getting the social time at school either.

Things are still good, I think it’s a relief for her to have been found out and not having to sneak around, in fact it’s gone a bit far the other way, the lines of communication are well and truly open, I feel like I go on mastermind with DD’s new bf as my specialist subject 🤣. She met up with him again today, I’ve spoken with his parents who are lovely. I’m glad that after a bit of a rocky start she now feels that she can talk to me about stuff like that, I remember when I was a teenager, the last person in the world I’d want to discuss boys with was my mum!

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Mmc123 · 25/01/2025 19:25

I haven't read all the posts but used to work in SEN, I can only imagine how hard work life must be for you at the moment. I understand you wanting to take/limit her phone use but will she really understand why? Only you will really know what she comprehends. I know just how important phones are to them today so If not you could drive a further wedge in between your relationship & just make her sneakier about what she's doing & when. Thats an even worse situation to be in. Could you get the police to talk to her about how dangerous her behaviour was ( to get the message home) and maybe get stricter/check up more on who she's meeting for a while .. check with their parents, make sure you see them actually meet up or she stays in. Thank god she's safe it doesn't bear thinking about 🙈 x

Arran2024 · 25/01/2025 18:58

I haven't read all the posts but I do have a daughter with PDA (formally diagnosed twice btw, once by a paediatrician and once by CAMHS).

My advice is to think big picture and not get tied up in details. Main things are to focus on keeping her safe and maintaining your relationship.

Other stuff is irrelevant imo. If she is safe on the phone, well that's better than her going off to meet boys. Like you said, you have to work.

My daughter was obsessed with her phone. It was her way of self regulating and I allowed it. She understood that I understood and it made our relationship stronger - and it made her feel like when I did need something doing, it was important.

Just concentrate on your daughter getting through to 16 when she can reset at college.

GreatUser80 · 24/01/2025 09:15

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Original poster
MamaConchy · 24/01/2025 09:11

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Yes I get DLA for her but no she has never been at all interested when I’ve suggested private tutors. The school she’s starting at is well used to kids like her, just about everyone there is there because they’re not been able to cope with mainstream. Will have meetings before she starts to formulate a plan but as it stands, she’ll start in the correct year, possibly part time to begin with. If by the end of the year she’s still very behind, and I manage to get an EHCP sorted by then, then she can repeat year 10 next year.

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GreatUser80 · 24/01/2025 09:06

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Original poster
MamaConchy · 24/01/2025 09:02

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Reconsider? So just don’t send her to school at all?

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GreatUser80 · 24/01/2025 08:56

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Original poster
MamaConchy · 24/01/2025 07:58

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Yes she will be. The only way she can be retained into the year below is with an EHCP, which she doesn’t have, so she’ll have to start in year 10.

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GreatUser80 · 24/01/2025 07:15

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BrightYellowTrain · 23/01/2025 11:15

MamaConchy · 23/01/2025 11:09

When I’ve spoken to sendias they’ve said because she’s on roll at school it’s only the school that can provide AP 🤷‍♀️. Anyway, she’s starting the other school soon and won’t be going to college anymore so I guess I’ll have to see how that works out, hopefully she’ll cope a lot better there as it’s so much smaller and more hands on.

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SENDIASS lied to you. IPSEA and SOSSEN are far better for accurate lawful information. See this page. Section 19 of the Education Act 1996 is clear.

Original poster
MamaConchy · 23/01/2025 11:09

BrightYellowTrain · 23/01/2025 10:18

Under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, it is the LA who is responsible for ensuring DD receives a suitable full-time education (1 day at college &/or 2 hours AP is not a suitable full-time education). Ultimately, it is not the responsibility of the school to fund provision for DC unable to attend school. Send IPSEA’s model letter to the Director of Children’s Services at the LA. If they refuse, delay, or ignore you, you need a pre-action letter. Then, if this fails, judicial review proceedings will resolve the situation.

It isn’t too late for an EHCP to be useful. EHCPs can last until 25, or 26 in some cases. So if the LA refuses to issue, appeal. And if they fail to adhere to the timescales, you can enforce them, via JR if necessary.

If the LA issued your friend’s DS an EHCP that did not have a suitable school named, have they appealed? And if he isn’t in school, have they requested an expedited hearing?

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When I’ve spoken to sendias they’ve said because she’s on roll at school it’s only the school that can provide AP 🤷‍♀️. Anyway, she’s starting the other school soon and won’t be going to college anymore so I guess I’ll have to see how that works out, hopefully she’ll cope a lot better there as it’s so much smaller and more hands on.

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HamptonPlace · 23/01/2025 10:53

Pinkl · 19/01/2025 14:02

My daughter manages to get around downtime in the evenings by setting the IPhone clock to manual and changing the time. Now I have to take her phone away to be sure she isn’t online.

clever!

BrightYellowTrain · 23/01/2025 10:18

MamaConchy · 22/01/2025 23:22

Yes, she had 2 hours AP a week last year, but the school wouldn’t pay for that and the college course she’s doing this year so it stopped. 2 hours a week was all the school could afford, without an EHCP.

The refusal to assess was because they thought the problem might have been specific to the first secondary school she was at, and she’d be ok at a different school. She wasn’t ok at a different school. So now I have that evidence maybe they’ll assess but tbh even if she gets one, at this stage it’s going to be probably too late to be much use for secondary, I have a friend whose son was granted an EHCP over a year ago and the LA still haven’t agreed on a suitable school for him. I know the heel dragging is deliberate to save money.

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Under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, it is the LA who is responsible for ensuring DD receives a suitable full-time education (1 day at college &/or 2 hours AP is not a suitable full-time education). Ultimately, it is not the responsibility of the school to fund provision for DC unable to attend school. Send IPSEA’s model letter to the Director of Children’s Services at the LA. If they refuse, delay, or ignore you, you need a pre-action letter. Then, if this fails, judicial review proceedings will resolve the situation.

It isn’t too late for an EHCP to be useful. EHCPs can last until 25, or 26 in some cases. So if the LA refuses to issue, appeal. And if they fail to adhere to the timescales, you can enforce them, via JR if necessary.

If the LA issued your friend’s DS an EHCP that did not have a suitable school named, have they appealed? And if he isn’t in school, have they requested an expedited hearing?

Original poster
MamaConchy · 22/01/2025 23:22

BrightYellowTrain · 22/01/2025 21:09

This isn’t the case. There are other options.

In case you didn’t see my pp, if DD can’t attend school, have you requested alternative provision under section 19 of the Education Act 1996? On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. This is separate from the EHCP process.

When was the LA’s refusal to assess? Did you appeal?

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Yes, she had 2 hours AP a week last year, but the school wouldn’t pay for that and the college course she’s doing this year so it stopped. 2 hours a week was all the school could afford, without an EHCP.

The refusal to assess was because they thought the problem might have been specific to the first secondary school she was at, and she’d be ok at a different school. She wasn’t ok at a different school. So now I have that evidence maybe they’ll assess but tbh even if she gets one, at this stage it’s going to be probably too late to be much use for secondary, I have a friend whose son was granted an EHCP over a year ago and the LA still haven’t agreed on a suitable school for him. I know the heel dragging is deliberate to save money.

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BrightYellowTrain · 22/01/2025 21:09

MamaConchy · 22/01/2025 18:10

Sadly in the UK there’s approximately nothing available. It’s either go to school or not go to school. There are a few home ed parent-run groups and activities in the area but they’re all aimed at younger children.

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This isn’t the case. There are other options.

In case you didn’t see my pp, if DD can’t attend school, have you requested alternative provision under section 19 of the Education Act 1996? On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. This is separate from the EHCP process.

When was the LA’s refusal to assess? Did you appeal?

Original poster
MamaConchy · 22/01/2025 18:10

Sennelier1 · 22/01/2025 15:22

I have absolutely no idea of the situation where you live, but I'm in Flanders (Belgium) and we have day-centers where children like yours can spend some time, talk with people, do some clubs like arts&crafts etc.etc. Always professional carers close-by. So no school but still a way of socialising? Would that be possible for your DD?

Sadly in the UK there’s approximately nothing available. It’s either go to school or not go to school. There are a few home ed parent-run groups and activities in the area but they’re all aimed at younger children.

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