Time off for GPs death

“Seems like they are taking over, I'm not comfortable.“

Not really about you though, is it? Weird statement to make. Your comfort doesn’t really matter in this scenario.

My dad died awhile go and my DS (teen) and my eldest niece (late 20s) were particularly badly affected but my DF had been my DS's main father figure since he was a baby (doesn't see his own)- used to see him nearly every day and my DN was very close to him also- again had seen him nearly every day growing up and was closer to him than to her own dad.

Unusual unless the grandparent was a surrogate parent but often it is the direct parent you’re supporting rather than just grieving the GP.

My work have a 2 week bereavement leave policy and don’t specify who it has to be - just “close”. Too right, as I have been horrified in the past when someone has been interrogated on who has died and how they are related, that’s not how family and close friend relationships work.

To be fair to your SIL, just because your DH feels left out, it doesn't mean anyone is actually leaving him out. His expectations are probably skewed because he's used to his visits being all about him visiting and this dynamic is different.

It sounds like their lives are just more entwined, due to proximity. If you don't have relatives you pop into weekly, you aren't in a place to judge.

I don't think you should join in when he complains about SIL and her DCs, just reassure him it's not personal and everyone grieves differently. Longer term, it's in his interests to get on well with his wider family, not fall out because they didn't behave as he'd hoped at a difficult time. It's unlikely he's behaving exactly how they'd hope either - time to put "live and let live,' into practice.

One of my aunts said that I shouldn't be involved in arrangements. She was quickly shut down by my mum and GF who said I was the one who had done most of the care for GM over the past year. My aunt had only visited a few times. As you think the link may have gone due to location could it be that the grandchildren were actually there a lot more than you are aware and were providing care and support to the grandparents?
I had no hard feelings towards by Aunt but I know GF was annoyed that she hadn't been there for my GM enough. Maybe that is what is leading to DH being pushed out?

I was very close to my grandparents. I had almost 2 weeks off when my GM died, I was by her bedside for her last 2 days, sleeping in a chair next to the bed. I was heavily involved in arrangements and supporting my GF. I couldn't have focused on work at that time, I was distraught. My grandparents were no less important or significant to me than my parents or siblings. I don't think people who didn't have that close of a relationship with their grandparents really appreciate the significance of that loss for grandchildren who did have a very close relationship.

It's not excessive. It's how they feel.

When my aunt died 20 years ago, my grandmothers sister travelled from the north of England to the south and stayed for three weeks. We didn't stay but did go back and forth frequently during this time.

We barely knew them before that. It changed (improved) the structure of our family - relationships still strong- and also, I'm not sure my DGM could have gotten through it without them as her own DC and us grandkids were completely absorbed by our own grief.

A few years, there was a young man in my team who wanted compassionate leave to attend the funeral of his partner’s 90-something old grandfather who lived in the USA. I wouldn’t let him have compassionate leave, other than for the day of the funeral, although was happy for him to go and use his annual leave. He appealed over my head to the director and it was granted.

Poor MIL. Surely she can do without a house full of people all jockeying for position as chief mourner? Her two children, yes, but the grandchildren there all day every day?

I'm really surprised that they can get all that time off. I think I was entitled to a day plus the funeral for my grandparent.

Sounds like you need a new motto.

It could be an age thing.

Completely anecdotal but ( unless for very close relative) I find most people in their 40s and 50s are grateful to get the day of the funeral off and use some annual leave around it if needed for travel or to help with admin. Most in their 20s are taking a week or more compassionate leave plus additional time signed off with stress, and this is for grandparents, great uncle, aunt by marriage (all recent ones).

There's no set amount of time, nor should they be.

I used to work somewhere that gave you a standard week of compassionate leave for the death of "distant" relatives like grandparents, aunts and uncles. You got an automatic two weeks for immediate family. And of course you could always go off sick if you needed more. Now I'm self-employed I would take as little as I could as I can't afford not to.

I'm not sure it's your business how long other people choose to take off, tbh. It's a shame your DH feels pushed out but I'm not sure it's fair to blame bereaved grandchildren for that.

It's a shame that your DH feels pushed out but it's not your place to feel "comfortable" or "uncomfortable" with the amount of time anyone outside your immediate family is taking off work. Those are two separate issues. You sound extremely judgy.

This isn't about you, to be honest.

They can do what they need to do. You're coming across as quite judgemental.

I was really confused by the OP. I thought she meant that her General Practitioner had passed away.

GF died 2 years ago and I zoomed his funeral as DH was in hospital. GM I had the day off as I Iive a couple of hours away. They all sound like they're winding each up in the grief stakes. You do right by staying out of it.

It does seem excessive but not unusual to have one sibling take over all the arrangements. If DH has some specific requests for the funeral he should make it clear and if possible attend a meeting with the funeral director with his sibling/s. The GC really don’t need to be there. Sounds like they are milking the drama.

when my GM died I took the day off for the funeral which was around 11am. My manager asked if I’d be back in for the afternoon!!

I imagine your husband's mother is quite close to her daughter both emotionally and physically. His mother may have wanted this and not to be alone in the house . The GCs may take turns to be there while someone else is taking care of arrangements, etc. They can also be there for practical things. Unless there are some bad feelings I am sure they don't mean to exclude your DH . It's just that there is perhaps no task he is needed for atm . He may be asked his opinion on funeral readings etc or his mother may just make her own decisions.

There's no set standard surely? I had 3 weeks off when GF and GM died as we were so close it was devastating. This included before and after death. When DF died I had the day of his death and the day if the funeral off. Unfortunately for your DH the family all geographically close will 'take over' because they see them all the time. That's sad but physical,presence makes the closest bonds. Either DH speaks up or leaves ut up to him really.

Can we type out who is who rather them ‘D’something - I can’t be the only one who finds it confusing when there are so many variations in a post!

there is no one size fits all to grief. I wouldn’t be passing any judgement on this.

It’s unusual that employers would give a week of compassionate leave to grandchildren but if they have got supportive employers I don’t see why they shouldn’t be there to support family. They are old enough to undertake some of the death administration, even if it’s just making people aware of funeral arrangements or making sure people are still eating and drinking. It would be quite selfish if adult grandchildren that were perfectly capable of pitching weren’t and leaving it your SIL and DH. They are also old enough to have a say. It’s not just your DH’s loss but theirs too.

If they need the time off, they need the time off. You’ve suffered your fair share of bereavements so you know that no two bereavements at the same and there is no standard way to deal with a bereavement. There isn’t a set number of days that you are suddenly OK.