To feel abandoned by my Mum

Yes, you are being unreasonable. It's her life, not yours! You sound so immature, grow up and sort you're on child care out and if you want more of a relationship, fit in with her busy life. I hope she is able to retire soon and enjoy life with her partner, rather than having to be at your beck and call !

So many older people don’t want other to know when they’re retired or on reduced hours as there just becomes this HUGE expectation for childcare and errands and hospital appointments.

especially women. Family members making continuous plans for your free time.

But you don’t want her to give up work to have time for herself. You want her have time for you and LO. So when you come to her about it, regardless of wether you mean to it just looks self serving.

maybe she doesn’t feel ready to retire no that it’s here, or doesn’t want to have less money etc. it’s a big step, let her get there in her own time.

I think you might need to organise some paid childcare even one day a week. Stop waiting on your mum to retire , be proactive.

I imagine she’s keeping the job as it means she has control over her own life. If she leaves then she has to be at everyone’s beck and call as Mum and Grandma.

Sometimes you get to a point where you’re exhausted from being needed for decades and just want to be a person in your own right, if that makes sense?

I feel so sorry for you as you sound like you really love your Mum and you're missing her. I don't know what the answer is other than to keep up the communication, even if it is one-sided, and be open to her fleeting visits.

Meanwhile, others are right to encourage you to build your 'village' with friends. My own mother wasn't great with young children so I developed strong friendships with people my own age and we helped each other through hard times and enjoyed the good times. My two best friends (of over 40 years now) didn't have close relationships with their mothers so we were well suited.

Look after yourself and don't feel guilty for wanting more of your Mum's company or involvement.

To be fair if my kids expect DH/I to retire before we medically need to (like everyone our age, we could, but why???), I’d think they were one roll short of the dozen. If it’s so we could help with kids etc I’d be less than impressed. We never had help as no relatives closer than several hours drive away and most a flight. We just pulled up the big people pants and got on with it, including some kids with SEN and physical disabilities. Hard but doable. When we retire it will be because we are no longer physically or mentally capable of working as we have that work ethic.

I’m sure there will be a brigade arriving saying hope you never need help/expect anyone to visit you later in life then. Personally, I think that’s quite ingenious in a way. Making sure kids have exactly what they need educationally/pastorally including paying private school fees if that was what a child needed, paying for expensive sports/hobbies throughout childhood/teenage/uni years, paying to put them through uni, paying privately for reduced waiting times for required surgeries, supporting them to get on the ladder in a tough housing market etc. Somehow it would all count for nothing should you not quit your job and commit yourself to assisting your grown children look after their children. Tis the way Mumsnet works.

Very good point in the final paragraph here. @Lovelamp you’ve also said that you’re not using formal childcare, which as others have pointed out is not ideal as you’re not doing either role (work/ childcare) fully. This will be adding to your stress, especially as you say in another post that your DP is away Monday-Friday.

Another thing to mention is that if your sister is several years older than you, your mum probably had more energy at that point for helping with childcare/ babysitting. Combine that with how much she’s working, and it’s not surprising that she doesn’t have much time to spend with you, as disappointing as that may be.

Yes, but unless the reason they haven't got a mum is that she's a nightmare and they're no contact, they would be entitled to be sad about it.
I don't think having a mum who makes noises about spending time with you and then pretends she didn't say it is that much better.

Perhaps she likes working. It's not for you to put pressure on her to make different choices.

This is your husband problem to help with and not your mum's

What do ppl do who ha ent got a mum they just get on with it.

I agree with the formal childcare too. Me.and my partner worked full time while my 1st was at nursery part time and the days she was home with us when we were wfh, trying to split the day between us, were really, really, really rough. Always feeling like you're failing at everything f because you can't give your all to anything, always needing to catch up for lost hours in the evening and in the weekend, very little time left for freetime. It was quite miserable.

This. You are imposing your own expectations on her based around your need for support. Of course she doesn't have lots of time to chat on the phone if she works 6 days a week.

Perhaps she enjoys her work and this is part of her identity. She should retire when she wants to and you need to stop banging on about it.

She has got a life - she’s living the life she wants to 🤷‍♀️

Shes done all the child rearing, doesn’t want to get involved, and now she wants life to be more about her.

Perfectly normal. 🙂

She sounds like a workaholic?

Why is she working 6 days a week at 66 in receipt of her state pension?

Could she be being domestically abused by a controlling partner?

Re your situation you need formal childcare both for you & LO.

My MIL raised 3 kids, and then had her daughters children regularly and for weeks on end during school holidays etc.
By the time me and DH and BIL and SIL had kids, she was having none of it, just had enough of little children I think!
It’s a shame as she’s not as close to the younger kids, but it is what it is, poor woman was just exhausted I think!
If she’s not just bored of babies, maybe your mum enjoys working more than you think? Or maybe needs to work financially more than you realise.