To feel abandoned by my Mum

Dear OP I fully understand where you're coming from and ignore the judgy harsh comments. It's not entitlement to want to spend more time with your mother and also have her spend time supporting you with her grandchild. You're not asking for a daycare service. You're also speaking from how your family dynamic is and when your dynamic is a certain way you expect things to be a certain way. You honestly can't win on the Internet these days. Speak to her and tell her all these things and how her busyness is affecting your relationship and others around her and even herself(6 days is a lot near retirement). If she doesn't oblige I would just heal and release any expectation. Hopefully she'll come around but if not the village you need will eventually be there, sometimes you have to look for it or create it.

Firstly, stop expecting more from your mother than you do from your own partner, the father of this child. You seem to accept he can disappear 5 days a week because you like the money it brings in, well maybe your mum likes the money her work brings in too. If you need more support, he needs to change his working hours, as its his company, he's able to do this.

I know you want to see your mum more, but it's not reasonable to expecther to work less in order to facilitate that.

Secondly you seem to have a worrying lack of empathy for your mum, it's all about your picture, what you want to see. This is a woman of retirement age still working 6 days week and drinking on her day off. That does not scream happiness. She may also be nervous of retiring, it's big life change, many people feel useless once they retire, she may be scared of this, which you don't seem to have even considered.

Maybe she loves her work? For some people their work is very much a big part of their lives. I'm very fortunate to love my job and even if I could retire wouldn't.

You come across very entitled. In no way are you abandoned and you mustn't insist on your mum stopping working unless it's damaging to her health. Any other reason is an unfair pressure on her, imo. She is her own person capable to making her own decisions. You can be disappointed in them, but that is on you entirely.

"We have had a tough few months with work since LO was born and I've had to work a lot without childcare help. It has been v stressful"

This is why you need childcare. Not having it is having a negative effect on all of you.

Good point.

It sounds like you are making all the moves to see your mum but she’s not able to prioritise you.
Have you tried reaching out to your sister and her children more?

Although you say it’s not, it’s obviously to help with your LO as you are working part time and have no childcare and expected your mum to help out. You don’t like the responses from people are now trying to change it to you wanting to spend time with her.

Pay for your own childcare and let your mum live her life. Stop being entitled.

@Lovelamp
You write that your in laws live an hour away . How often do you and your family see them? There is a tendency for some Mums to cut out their husband's family. Many in laws are desperate to be asked to help. My sister's son had a baby six months ago. She lives an hour away but will be doing a day a week childcare even though it will mean a very early start and late finish.
Your husband is clearly working long, long hours and he can't easily visit his parents. Might you invite them to do a day a week childcare? They might well be thrilled.
I found the Mums who always had their own mothers in tow were very often claustrophobic and exclusive. The playgroups I go to often have the same pairs of mothers and grandmothers who sit apart from others. Most new mothers are up for making new friends and these can be some of the best friends you will ever make. Be open to having fun meeting other mums. Ditto, explore the opportunity to befriend and make use of your in laws. You might surprise yourself at the strength of these new relationships.

You say you want her around more to spend time with her, but mention help innumerable times.
As you pointed out, your sister is older and had young children some time ago.
Your Mum's working, not gallivanting around.
Stop pressuring her, arrange your own childcare and make the most of what time you do have with her.
She'll have her reasons for working 6 days a week, so let her be.

I can reassure you on one issue, @Lovelamp -

My children saw my parents about once every 6 weeks for the first 5 years of their lives and slightly less after that as weekend commitments ramped up because we live over 2 hours apart. They couldn’t have been closer to my parents, their relationships were absolutely lovely.

DS1 would ring to tell my mum terrible jokes every time he heard a new one, DS2 would talk to them for ages the night before each birthday as a Last Night As An X-Year Old tradition, DD insisted on every picture she drew or thing she did be photographed and WhatsApped to my parents so she could chat about it on Facetime later. They had in-jokes, shared special things they did together, and they loved each other very much.

An hour a week is way more regular than 6 weeks. Your child at 7 months is too to notice much but as she grows she can easily have a strong and loving relationship without being in one another’s presence all the time.

I’m sorry you are lonely. I’m sorry your mum has to work so hard and can’t keep on top of other things in her life.

It does get easier.

I'm also not sure how you feel abandoned when you see her once a week sorry.

So you don't work? Apologies if you've already said that and I missed it.
Totally different in that case. She is working 6 days a week and has 1 day off. You might find she doesn't have the most positive feelings towards you not working and still wanting more from her!
I work 5 days and as a PP has said it's nigh on impossible to fit everything into your short time off.

If ever you need to go back to work fulltime OP, you will then realise just how difficult it is to maintain relationships with others. It’s really hard. I’m a new grandparent, and work fulltime. I do look after my granddaughter overnight once a month, even though she’s still quite young. But it comes at the expense of not really having time for myself, or me and dh as a couple, as other weekends we also set time aside to meet up with my dd and dgd. I also have to make time at the weekend to take my elderly mum shopping, and have two dogs to walk and housework stuff. Your dm probably would love to be in a position to spend more time with you, but there’s only so many hours in the day.

If I have understood you correctly, you see your mum at least once a week? Yet you feel abandoned?

It just doesn’t make sense.

If your mum is state pension age then it is possible she is reaching a point where she is expecting you to start supporting her.

It sounds like you have had children fairly late if she already became a grandma at a young age and is now at state pension age.

You say that she needs to work to keep afloat financially and that even with her state pension kicking in she'd still need to work. You say she doesn't have time to clean her house or keep up with friends.

My ExH and his new wife have just had a baby. His parents are absolutely not supporting him emotionally or financially or any other way because they are old and have some health concerns. Equally, they now need support - his dad just had an operation and needed carers to come in and people to drive him around.

You've had a baby at the point the parent- child relationship starts to change from parent emotionally and practically supporting the child to the adult child supporting the starting to worry about infirmity and ill health parent.

From what you've said your mum is not in a position to support you. Needing to work despite getting state pension is a very financially vulnerable situation to be in and she may have been hoping you would start to help her out.

Obviously with a small baby you won't be helping her out anytime soon.

I totally understand what you are saying, you aren't unreasonable to feel disappointed by the situation.

I spent years trying to get my mum involved in my children's lives (not childcare) but she always had an excuse as she worked full time and was tired which I understand. By the time my younger brother had kids she was almost retiring and bent over backwards to be there for him and now does regular childcare for them. My children are still asleep primary school and she could do the same for them but she doesn't want to. I understand that my children came along at a different time but she hasn't made any effort to bridge the gap if you like.

It breaks my heart when we are together as a family and I see how she is with my nieces, she knows them so well and is very much a part of their lives. I have went LC as I find it too hurtful as she just doesn't know my children, especially my youngest well at all.

Visun

That's hurtful if she made the effort for your sister. There's nothing you can do about it though. I would just lower my expectations of her and prioritise yourself in future. The village works both ways. Make sure you are too busy if she needs you in future. She can hardly complain when she didnt offer support to you.
Is moving closer to your in laws an option?

This sounds like a quick route to a broken family and even more bitterness!!!

Op I’m sure your mum isn’t trying to leave you out. we all say well try harder to do things but that isn’t really so easy when it comes to practicalities. Most people don’t have a lot of support/ childcare as their parents are older/ working etc and babies are tough!! Try and stop seeing it as you do and just talk to her when you can and ask her to visit more. Tell her you miss her
And arrange a nice night in/ dinner or something fun

I think I'm probably older than you and younger than your mum...but when I look forward 10 years or so to when my kids might have their own kids, I'll definitely still be working! Life is expensive, mortgages have long terms...I will absolutely not be retired at that point no matter how much I'd like to be, or even reducing hours. Do you know for sure it's even an option for your mum?

YANBU. Is your child her first grandchild? Some people can't face aging and having to fulfill other roles associated with "old age". Becoming a grandparent can be a great psychological shock to people who lack awareness of their age/stage of life (or self awareness in general). The same is true for many people when becoming parents.
She may not be "abandoning" you on a conscious level, but she certainly seems to want to run away from the new situation.